Swimming Pools and the Monster

I had a dream about a week after It happened...

I dreamt that I was in a resort with many swimming pools. I walked around and did not feel the urge to get in any of them. I just wanted to… look around. Some pools were weird. One had strong waves. One had green water. One had someone cleaning it. I got lost looking around this resort with weird pools and I started to panic. That’s when I woke up.

I searched for “pools” in my go-to dream website and it said, “To see a pool of water in your dream indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.” (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/p4.htm)

After It happened, I was trying really hard to contain my emotions and compartmentalize. I’m very good (expert) at this so I was confident I could handle it. I had to put my feelings away because I had to function normally. But no matter how I secured and locked my feelings into a box, the monster kept trying to creep out.

It's surprising and overwhelming how this particular monster easily escapes my heavily guarded box and manages to show itself when I'm in meetings, in my car alone, in bed before I sleep, and in my dreams.

One of my close friends asked me, “Is this your first heartbreak?” My answer was, “No. But this is the most in-your-face-you-NEED-to-get-hurt-and-FEEL-it heartbreak ever.” Everything happened so abruptly. It felt like a bad car crash. I guess this is what I get for wanting to get to my destination as fast as I could...

It’s been more than a month now since it happened and I still see him everywhere. I hate how my sacred me-times have now been compromised. For some reason, he only shows up when the memories associated with him are good ones. I think when your heart is crushed and beaten, your brain automatically focuses on good memories instead of bad ones to comfort your breaking heart. Or to probably try to make sense of everything that happened.

There were numerous red flags before it ended. But it was so easy for me to ignore them because… I liked the company. I liked being picked up from work. I liked having dates. I liked that someone liked to be with me. I liked how I was liked… finally.

As I gain my rational self back, I’m slowly realizing how bad those red flags were. It amazes me how your brain can get hi-jacked just because your heart beats a little faster and your stomach occasionally flutters. I see those flags clearly now and it makes me sad because they invalidate the moments and the feelings they come with. It makes me doubt if everything was real or... made up.

I’m starting to think that the main reason why the monster is able to escape from my secured box is because… I let it. Sometimes, all the monster has to do is knock once. Then I find myself scrambling for the key to let it out. When it starts to hurt me, that’s when I try to brutally wrestle with it and push it back in my secured box. Then I cry myself to sleep because… I’m exhausted.

There is some lesson to be learned here, I know. But right now, I’m just trying to ignore the knocks from my box. And maybe after a while, it will eventually get tired. Maybe after a while, when I finally decide to open the box again, it won't try to hurt me anymore. Maybe after a while, it will be my friend (CLARIFICATION: the monster not him).

Maybe after a while, this monster will help create a new me. A new me that is again... liked.

Hangovers and Makulay na Daster

Things that happen after reading a Murakami or Kundera book, watching a Pixar film that poses as "for kids", or going to a gig of your childhood-favorite band... while drinking cocktails and 3 bottles of beer.

"Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay."

Ebe Dancel had a small gig in 12 Monkeys. He promised to play all Sugarfree songs. SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE.

The last time I watched Sugarfree play was the night they disbanded. And as if the sky knew what was happening, it rained pretty hard. I remember it clearly because while I was soaking wet jumping up and down, I stepped on shards of broken beer bottles. With my bleeding foot, I continued to sing along because... SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE.

I can't remember watching my first ever Sugarfree gig. I do remember following them around with my bestfriend when I was in highschool. We used to make Ebe, Jal, Mitch/Kaka sign our [very cool] phone cases...

because we honestly didn't have enough money to buy their actual album and have them sign it.

I remember how their songs spoke to me when I was going through things (a.k.a. puberty). I remember listening to all of them thinking, "P*cha, ako ba kausap mo? Sapul eh."

(FUN FACT: My favorite song is Cuida.)

And that's why I didn't care that I stood for 3 hours at 12 Monkeys that night. I didn't care that I was singing out loud while people on their prestigious tables were staring. "Kung pag-aari ko lang ang lumbay, itatago ko siya habang buhay." I mean... SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE!

And then I received a text from my sister...

At around Ebe's 5th song, I found out my grandmother (on my dad's side) passed away. She was gonna be 91 years old yesterday.

I immediately thought of my dad. Mama had been sick for months. She's in the States. Last February, my auntie asked my dad to visit them there. "Para makita mo naman one last time," she said. My dad went there alone to check up on her. He stayed at the hospital with her for a week. The last thing he said was, "Ma, aalis na ako bukas ah. I love you," then kissed her on the forehead.

Goodbyes are very important no matter how difficult they are to say.

My auntie called the other night. She's the one arranging everything for the wake. She was telling my dad that she had no idea where to put all of Mama's stuff. She had a lot of clothes that no one wanted. I remember seeing her in her colorful dasters all the time. Her pajamas and church clothes are the best because they had to match. They had to be made using the same fabric. It was so funny and adorable.

Makulay na dasters and terno clothes. That's how I'll always remember how awesome she was.

Rest in peace, Mama. Have fun with Ang Kong!

(So please forgive me if I turned down any lunch/dinner invite. It's a bed/blanket-burrito weekend for me I'm afraid.)

Finally

Twice. I cried in the shuttle home twice. The first time was when I lost my phone for the second time. I hid behind my jacket while rehearsing the spiel for my mom explaining why I lost my phone again. When I got home, I just hugged her and cried my eyes out even more.

The second time I cried in the shuttle home happened this week. It was right after a night of stripping away my mask and ingesting my pride whole.

Pride is such a hard thing to swallow. It gets bigger and bigger as you feed it every single day until it gets humongous enough that you're unable to carry it along anymore. A few weeks ago, I finally took a bite off it so I can survive and live my life. And on the day I cried in the shuttle home for the second time, I finally swallowed it whole.

When expectations are already rooted in your head about how something is gonna go, you try your best to think of the things that would go wrong so you're prepared just in case. And no matter how your expectations and strategies meet inside your head, you never really know how things will end up. And maybe that's the reason why I got so upset. Even though my head knew how the night will go, the reality of it all was still the worst.

When someone special to you makes you feel tells you you're not, it really hits home. When you strip off your mask and show the real you and someone tells you to put it back on, it really hits home. When you love someone too much and he's incapable of loving you anyone, it really hits home. That night really hit home. That's why I cried for the second time in the shuttle home.

Everything went dark that night. Then it got quiet. That's when my head started to talk to my heart. That's when my head told my heart to calm down and stop crying. That's when my head comforted my heart for being so brave. That it was finally done. That we've survived. It's over. Finally, it's over.

Right now, it's still dark. Still quiet. But on the other hand, I feel relieved. It was so difficult to swallow my pride whole. Right now, I'm having difficulties digesting it. But I feel lighter somehow. Slowly it will all be gone and I'll finally be ready to... do it over again. This time, do it right.

Do it right because my head and heart have already been through a lot. Do it right because I finally deserve it.

Morning/Night Pages 082015

In the middle of August, I read something online about this thing called "Morning Pages". The rule is to write 3 pages every morning about anything under the sun. It doesn't have to be good. You don't even have to read it. Its goal is to eliminate what's blocking your creativity. What's blocking what you actually want to write. It gets rid of your word vomit so creativity can come out and slap itself on paper.

I started in the middle of August. Since it's now the 31st, I decided to read my word vomits for the latter half of August. I wasn't writing every single day (and I usually write every night) so I only had 16 pages to read.

I noticed that in between all the mess (word vomit), there were parts that really made a lot of sense. There were parts that rose above all the shit. There were parts that really hit home.


08-11:
My shit didn't seem as shitty as their shit. My shit didn't even seem like legit shit.

The person causing the problem, I thought, was also the cure for how horrible I was feeling.

08-12: 
...That day felt like his day. It was like he was controlling the course of my day.

I woke up the next day feeling all fucked up. Fucked up but wanting to continue the dream still because sometimes, I'd rather endure hell knowing that he'll be there with me.

08-13:
I always think about him whenever my world stops. Whenever I do the most boring and empty things in my life.

And it kinda slapped me in the face because while I'm forgetting about him, he's also forgetting about me.

And whenever you're breaking a person's heart, I've learned, you have to be cruel.

08-14:
I think at the end of the day, you just gotta love what you decide to do for the rest of your life.

08-15:
There's this birthday card that had resurfaced my desk because Tita Evelyn cleaned it... I actually don't know why I didn't send it... For some reason, I just didn't feel like it.

08-17:
...when your heart breaks, it also breaks your self-worth. It brings you down and crushes your confidence.

08-19:
I was just afraid he'd message me or something. We're doing too well for either of us to contact the other. Glad he didn't. Kinda...

08-31:
I hate surprises. I hate him just popping without notice.

When will the pain stop?! When will time kick in and start doing its job?

Whatever happened between us already makes sense to him. He already learned something from what happened. I'm still working on my lesson to learn from all this shit.


I'm now looking forward to making this a habit this September. Things that come out of these Morning/Night Pages are very interesting. By writing and reading them, I'm getting to know myself bit by bit. It's a start in piecing my self-worth back together. It's a start towards loving myself again.

And I promise I will have different topics to write about this time.

An Introvert's Journey to Adrenaline and Alcohol

"To the future..." started the toasts while immediately following up with, "but still thinking of the now!" *clink* "CHEERS!"

We have conquered Enchanted Kingdom (the happiest place in Laguna) today. A few of my quarter-year old highschool friends and I frickin' crushed Enchanted Kingdom! Who's #TitaOfManila now?! It was my first time riding Anchor's Away and I surprisingly liked it. After that, I didn't mind being the Official Bag Carrier of the group (because really, Space Shuttle? N-O_W-A-Y). Frickin' Anchor's Away, dude! I can do anything!

Before the trip, however, I was having mini-palpitations (being the abnormally anti-human/acute introverted person I have become lately) because I was gonna hang out with old friends I wasn't hanging out with for a long time. "What are the social norms involved? What exactly is the threshold of making 'too many' jokes? Does it even exist because what can go wrong with 'too many' jokes? Will they get annoyed and find out that that is how I calm myself and hide my anxieties? What is the appropriate distance between each other when taking pictures... unit of measure = inches?" These thoughts were running rapidly in my mind since yesterday and these exact thoughts were the ones that woke me up before the sun even rose this morning.

During the trip, after inducing a lot of caffeine, my normal-person self kicked in and I was on auto-pilot. I was still myself. But those insane thoughts going around my head got shut off.

Caffeine = 1, Acute Introversion = 0

I started having fun. Actually, have fun. Which was new since I've been feeling crappy lately. The most surprising thing was I was doing it amidst all these humans. These people. My friends. My close friends. My bestfriends. It was a weird feeling. Familiar, but weird.

Since it's a Sunday and everyone had shit to do tomorrow, we had to leave at 5pm. (This is a lie. We left early 'cause WE WERE TIRED. DO NOT JUDGE OUR AGEING BODIES!) It took just one of us to say, "Tara, isang pitcher lang tapos uwi na agad." to throw those shit to-dos in the trash.

Adrenaline took its toll on all of our ageing bodies, but none of us could resist the evil that alcohol brings in all of us. EQs were let loose and tensions were piled on the table like there's no tomorrow. Suddenly, "hugot" became an understatement. "Hukay," "Dukot," "Labas," "Hukot" (which is not a word) and even "Bet!" and "Floor Wax" had whole new meanings. Prides were exposed and confrontations happened. It was gonna be a crazy night and I was relieved that my EQ was still intact and my anxieties are already fast asleep.

Amidst all the tension, we also talked about real-world stuff like how to start a business, benefits of networking, not pressuring yourself to be your other quarter-year old friends who are more successful, etc. It was interesting to see how all of our outlooks changed compared to when we were still in highschool. It's funny how we have all grown up and still have a lot of unanswered questions in life. When I was in highschool, I imagined myself now to have it all figured out. I imagined that my life would be smooth and perfect without exerting an ounce of effort. But life is a joker. It fools you to think that you know everything, but then it suddenly changes the game and you're lost again. The hard part is... you still have to continue playing.

I'm not sure where I wrote it, but I still believe that all of us, my close friends and I, have magnets inside us. No matter what happens, no matter how many tensions, prides, egos, or just flat out shit are piled up on the table, we will still be pulled towards each other. That is just how it's going to be. We may drift apart due to time or distance, but at the end of it all we will always be drawn towards each other.

So friends, we have no choice. We're all in this together. Always.

PS: LIVE FOR THE JOURNEY! *wink*

New Year Goggles and Goals

Before I make crazy promises and impossible resolutions while wearing my New Year goggles, I wanna give the spotlight to 2014 first. Since my brain and sight have been compromised because of these damn goggles, I have squeezed what I learned in 365 days in just 5 categories. And here they are:

MONEY

I'm awesome when it comes to not spending a lot of money. I love budgeting and saving. (I have an Excel file to prove it if you don't believe me.) BUT, 2014 taught me that I'm not really THAT awesome.

Now that I have a stable income, one would think that I'll be able to save a whole lot with me bragging about my budgeting talents. But no! There aren't enough Forever 21s, Payless shoe stores, Starbucks, and Chinese restaurants out there to fulfill my desires.

2014 made me realize that having money means having more choices/opportunities. Having less of these, limits how you live your life. This is why I work my ass off because I love having a wide selection of things I can spend my money on. Whoever said "Money doesn't give you happiness," probably didn't have much to figure out how to use it properly.

I also love the fact that in 2014, I was able to help my parents with expenses at home. I believe this is my greatest achievement in 2014. Whenever I see the look on my mom's face when I give her my contribution for the house, it makes all the hardwork worth it. It feels really good to be the one helping them out this time. I'm not the breadwinner or anything, but it just feels good to have a major role/responsibility in our home. It makes me feel... included.

Money will enable your future self to live comfortably. (Given, of course, that you live a little uncomfortably now.) "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?" "Because it feels so good when I stop."

CAREER

January 2014, I quit my first job ever. I was given an amazing opportunity to see my future in that company and unfortunately, I didn't like it. It sucked that I didn't because I was having so much fun. Fun doesn't equal fulfillment/success though.

After I quit, I immediately revamped my resume. The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted. Research? Marketing? Advertising? Media? Publishing? Wedding singing? It was overwhelming. Then I hear my parents offering me a position in our family business. That confused me even more. I stopped sending out resumes all together.

I asked the Universe for a sign. "Please please show me my successful self in the future so I can make the right decision NOW!" And lo and behold, the Universe gave me a call. A company was looking for a Sales Trainer, immediate hiring. I had no other leads so I went to the first interview. To cut the story short, February 2014, I became a Sales Trainer. March 2014, I received my first pay.

I'm no Jordan Belfort or anything, but trainer! Training! When I was young, I would always enjoy being a little know-it-all and tutor my classmates who are having trouble in school. I loved explaining Math using animals and food. I loved making the complicated simple. I loved imparting knowledge! But I never thought of it as a career though.

I'll be forever grateful to 2014 because it showed me my path. I love training. I love teaching. I love explaining complicated financial concepts/terms to my trainees and switch their light bulbs on. Oh how I love seeing their light bulbs turn on!

2014 taught me that there's absolutely no pressure in finding out what you wanna do in life. Time is your bestfriend. Maximize it. Just make sure you don't stop until you find that one thing you wanna wake up for for the rest of your life.

LOVE

2014 taught me a lot about TRUE love. How it's not unconditional and it should exist between a giver and a receiver. If the receiver doesn't want the love the giver gave, then it's not TRUE love. Which means, unrequited love is not TRUE love. (Doesn't make it not real though.) It's probably in the Selfish or Unconditional love category. I have no idea if this is TRUE love's real meaning, but this is what makes sense based on my experience.

This 2014, I gave what seemed to be some kind of mutant version of "true" love to someone. (Which obviously was not true love in the first place. It being in its mutant state and all.) It went well at first because it seemed like he felt the same way. See, there were 2 versions of him: the real tangible one and the imagined intangible one that only exists in my head. I'm talking about the latter, of course. When it dawned on me that he actually didn't feel the same way, I was forced to meet the real tangible version of him.

The problem was, I was still hung up with the idea of my mutant "true" love that I had no motivation to shake the real tangible him's hand and introduce myself. I shut down and became a blackhole. I have lived in my imagination long enough that it was hard to snap back to reality.

Thanks to my friends who slapped and dragged me back to life, I was finally able to introduce myself to the real him. And... It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad at all.

I made 2014 all about that damn blackhole. In 2015, I'm making it about the twinkly stars around me. And when I say twinkly stars, I mean my friends.

FRIENDS

"Falling is a chance you give you friends to catch you." As I said, in 2014, I was in a blackhole. I got pushed over the edge and fell. I closed my eyes as I was falling and I expected to hit the ground pretty hard. I was surprised when I suddenly stopped falling. I opened my eyes and saw my friends there, all lined up to cushion my fall.

Selfish-me always thought that I was just a dumpee for all my friends' problems. That when it was my turn to be the dumper, they wouldn't be patient enough to be there for me and listen. 2014 proved me wrong. I gave my friends a lot of shit and they were there to deal with them all. And I will seriously forever be grateful.

I'm guilty of sometimes taking my friends for granted. 2014 made me realize that my friends are an integral part of my life. I've learned that life isn't like Friends or How I Met Your Mother where you can have coffee or beer at 2 in the afternoon with your friends every single day. It doesn't matter if we don't see each other all the time. Distance is nothing when you are committed to someone.

My friends are my gossip girls, slaps in my face, emergency contact people, coffee buddies, random trip/sleepover buddies, sisters, 3-hour phone pals at 3am, ETC! And I'll be the same things for them in a heart beat.

SELF

2014 served as a transition year from my childish, immature self to my... NOT SO childish, immature self. Maybe it's 'cause I turned 25 this 2014. I experienced changes in my taste of movies, books, food, coffee, etc. I found myself drinking tea, eating pineapples, reading 1984 (by George frickin' Orwell!), and watching Annie Hall. I got to know myself better and I believe that's one step towards self-worth.

Having gone through all these changes, 2014 also made me realize that some things never change. Some awesome things about me can stay unchanged while I grow. Like wearing colorful clothes (pink and green! #watermelonfeels), drinking coffee at 11pm (drinking coffee any time of day actually), hating kids but secretly loving them, singing randomly whenever I feel like it, and faking it until I make it (which REALLY works by the way).

Another breakthrough this 2014 is I actually felt more comfortable with myself. And with that comfort came a small amount of confidence. I was confident enough to sing in front of people in a wedding for crying out loud! IN A WEDDING! (I've always wanted to be a wedding singer!) Having confidence is something new to me. It feels nice. I think I'm gonna have more of it in 2015.

2014 was all about first steps of knowing and loving myself. First steps to self-worth. 2015 will not be about steps. It will be about soaring.

Having realized and learned all these things in 2014, my #2015goals are as follows:

1. Have short and long term savings. Short term for travel, emergencies, SCUBA license! Long term for condo!

2. Be an awesome trainer and have more patience with trainees. Follow dreams of becoming a motivational speaker (TED talk levels!)! Inspire and influence people!

3. Don't wait for those damn flowers from someone! Get some seeds, plant some and wait. Or just buy them yourself!

4. Pour out excessive, overwhelming love to friends! Do stuff for them they actually need. Make making your friends happy your priority!

5. Love self more by eating healthy (more pineapples and teas), exercising (Ayala Triangle, baby!), wearing earrings and heels to work (more confidence in 2015!), and sharing singing talent with other humans (preferably in weddings)!

Have an awesome new year, everyone! Let's soar this 2015 and kick 2014's ass! :)

The Dancer's Turn

The spotlight.

It was on her.

Finally, it was her turn.

She has been waiting and waiting.

For the spotlight to be on her.

She stood in the middle.

The light immediately found her.

She’s stunning. Beautiful.

Exquisite.

She walks gracefully.

She closes her eyes.

To savour the spotlight.

That was finally on her.

She danced and danced.

And the spotlight followed.

All around the stage.

All around, the light followed.

She finished her dance.

With a twirl in the middle.

She stopped. She waits.

Waits for the applause.

From the audience she waited.

In the middle.

Spotlight on her, she waited.

Silence.

The beating of her heart.

Her deep breaths.

Were all she could hear.

And louder and louder.

They vanished the silence.

She couldn’t see far.

The light blinded her.

The spotlight finally dimmed.

And slowly she caught sight.

She caught a glimpse of the audience.

No one was there.

No one was watching.

Emptiness.

Her elegant performance.

No one saw.

The spotlight.

The spotlight deceived her.

The middle of the stage.

All around, it deceived her.

The light, slowly dimming.

Gradually, it left the stage.

Before it disappeared,

She took a bow.

She took a bow and left with the light.

Darkness.

Closure

My gradeschool teacher taught me that there are 2 ways a star can die. [From what I remember], a star can turn into a blackhole or it can explode and be a hmmm some kind of dwarf.

I remembered getting scared because I knew (from the previous semester) that the sun is a star. If it died, it could suck all the 9 planets around it or it could explode and kill us all. When I told my teacher all my fears, he laughed at me and said that it won't happen for a million years. That didn't comfort at all.

Just recently, a particular star had died. It was very unique because it started being a blackhole for a while but then towards the end, it finally exploded.

Blackhole phase: Everything the star touched, it sucked towards its unending revolution. Everything the star sucked stayed around it until it was satisfied. The star felt guilty that it was drawing everything towards it involuntarily. It felt like the star had no choice but to feed off of everything around it. It fed off of everyone’s life, light, and happiness. I guess this was the star’s way of surviving death because a blackhole, you see, is not really a dead star. It’s dying. And no one knows when the blackhole will stop pulling everything towards it or if it ever will.

Explosion phase: Then something happened that made the star stop imbibing everything that had life. It finally got satisfied and exploded. It exploded hard and loud. It was strange because the star that was supposed to be dying, never felt more alive as it was exploding. Another unexpected thing that happened was the explosion did not hurt anything around it because there was no one, nothing. The star had already sucked everything. There was nothing to lose. The star, finally contented, had died.

Death phase: After the big explosion, everything was quiet. The star did not have the energy to shine and twinkle as before. It did not have life. At long last, the star’s life has ended.

Somehow, this made me sad. It made me sad because it was the end. It sucked and obliterated everything around it and in the end, it died. Finished. Now the star that once shone and twinkled for everyone is just a Thing in space. It has no contribution whatsoever to anyone or anything. A Thing that cannot do anything. A Thing that only 2 people on Earth will recognize as Something that was once amazing. Once was beautiful. But now dead.

Goodbye Sad Songs and Isolated Islands

My iPod and book JUST got stolen. My almost 10-year old iPod and my friend's (whoops. SORRY!) mangled copy of The Lord of the Flies JUST got stolen. My two bestfriends during my commute every morning and night. Now gone.

Every morning, I listen to my iPod to drown all the thoughts in my head. Thoughts that make me feel like a zombie again. They say time heals everything. It's been quite a while and I'm still here. I listen to music to make the time bearable. To trick my head that I'm moving along with time. It kinda works because before I know it, I'm already in the office. Without the memory of how I got there.

Every night, I read my book while waiting in line for the shuttle home. I read to transport myself to a world where you don't exist. Where I am just living vicariously with the characters in the book. Where even just for a while, I won't be in pain. I can conquer the world alongside the main character and forget you. For a while. I can't read in the shuttle so I close my book and you appear again. I miss you and I'm back from where I started.

The next day, I do the same. This has been my routine for almost 2 months. I'm tired.

One of my bestfriends (human one) asked me, "What do you want? What do you want from him? Do you wanna be with him?"

"No, I don't wanna be with him. Not exactly. I wanna feel that I'm actually worth an awkward conversation. That I'm worth the effort. Because I couldn't handle not being his favorite person. I want him to wanna talk about the real stuff. The hard stuff. I just wanted to be worth something to him, you know? I wanna say sorry. It was stupid how I broke down and didn't explain. I'm always ready to jump off a sinking ship without thinking who I'm gonna leave behind. I did what I did because I didn't wanna lose him. But I guess losing him was inevitable." is what I should've said. But the too-proud-inarticulate-not-wanting-to-explain me just said, "I don't know."

These are the thoughts that I have to drown every morning and night. Now I don't have anything to drown them with. To the hipster robber who stole my 10-year old iPod with all my sad songs and my friend's copy of The Lord of the Flies, there is a special place in hell waiting for you.

The Ultimate Game and the Zombie Apocalypse

After learning all the rules, I have become a good [enough] player in this game. A game that we play everyday. Sometimes, I play as white and you black. That means I move first, then you, then me again, and so on. From time to time, some snakes appear then I slip down. At times, ladders appear and you climb towards me then move three spaces forward. After that, you draw the reverse card, and suddenly it's not my turn anymore. I have to wait. Wait for everybody else to take his/her turn before participating again. Then unexpectedly, you're in jail and I have to pay or draw a card from the deck to bail you out.

I have mastered all the rules in this game we play everyday. I've gotten real good at it. I like playing it and I know you do, too. No matter how complicated the rules are, we like to play. I know we both like to play.

But there are times that I fail to keep up. That I fail to jump high enough to reach that flag. That I'm outside the game and you have already saved the princess. All along I thought I was the princess. Your princess.

And here's the real deal.

Just so you know, I'm not ok. It may seem I am, but I'm not. I'm a big fan of faking it until you make it. Hopefully, I'm convincing. I think I am.

I hope you understand why I did what I did. I'm trusting your judgment and assumptions on this. I hope you trust them too. I'm sorry for having this particular sickness. Sickness of hating being misunderstood but hating (or not knowing how) to explain myself. I hate not being articulate. I hate hating EVERYTHING.

I hope you get the exact time/moment I did what I did. Yes, it's confusing, but I left clues. I left breadcrumbs for you to follow. I know it's stupid. I should've just told you everything, but I, myself didn't understand it. Or maybe didn't believe it. Didn't WANT TO believe it. I'm confident that you get everything. You're just afraid to confront me. I wish you'd get mad at me. But I know, even that, I don't deserve.

I'm sorry but I can't play this game anymore. I've been addicted and I really think the logical thing to do is to turn the game off. Is it? I wish you can answer. But again, I don't deserve it, I know. And I'm really sorry.

I hate that the airs that were once alive are now dead. I hate that I'M dead. I walk every single day a zombie convincing everyone that I'm human. Sometimes, it's easy. I slap a smile on my face and a loud laugh to hide the sorrow in my eyes. Sometimes, it's hard. It's hardest when I'm alone. Because then, I don't feel the need to perform in front of an "audience". Then, all that shit I smack on my face disappear. That's when I become a zombie again. That's when it's hard to sleep at night.

It may not make any sense, but I know in time I will become human again. But right now, I have to fake it. Every morning, I have to dress up as a human and cover up all this zombie goo. I hope when I'm a real human being, you'll still recognize me. I will be able to explain everything then. I hope you'll be there to listen. Please don't forget me. Please wait for me.

Not so Quarter-Life Crisis

Lately, I've been having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. I've been keeping it on the DL though because I don't really have the luxury of time to actually ponder on these two things that bother me.

First, the ever-pressuring topic of Le Career. See, I graduated last October 2011. That's three years ago. Three LONG years ago. When our dean was handing me that diploma that I worked my ass off for, I believed that I would be someone somewhere I would be successful in in the future. Yes, my dreams were that vague. Maybe that's why the universe got confused and wouldn't prioritize me until I actually knew exactly what I wanted. Fast forward three years from that moment when it was honestly my first time meeting our dean, I still don't know what I want. Good thing I realized that there is no pressure in knowing what you want out of life.

Some people are lucky that since birth, their parents have inception-ed them to be whatever it is that they want to be. They had direction. And there are those people who had something amazing/traumatic happen in their lives that shaped what they wanted when they grew up. But me, everything was smooth sailing until I graduated from school. Suddenly, I was thrown into the ocean with the ability to float, but not the ability to swim. But I'm happy that through God's guidance I have learned how to swim even if I still don't know where I'm going. I'm gonna keep getting good at swimming so that when I find my path, I'm gonna swim the hell towards it. And I bet you that I will be the universe's priority then.

Second quarter-life crisis issue is having someone to share all these unknowns with. Having someone to give my love to. Who actually deserves it. I got this huge ball of feelings that are spilling out of me which I'm rapidly giving to just about whoever seems to want them. And I have come to know that this is just wrong.

I have learned that in order for you to love someone, to truly love someone, you must have self-worth. Self-worth is like being awake from all the naiveness that love may bring. Self-worth is being conscious. Hence, love in its truest form must be the synchronization of both your heart and mind. Raw love is the devil. We tend to worship it and the grand gestures/martyrdom it comes with. We fall in love with the idea of being in love. But being in love, I have learned, is for those people who are whole, not seeking for completeness, who have self-worth, and who can be with anyone anywhere in the world, but they choose to stay with each other. Maybe that's why it's called being IN love because you're either in it or you're out. It's your choice.

But who knows? In every phase of someone's life, love's definition may change. For now, this definition is what I can accept.

I think self-worth is directly proportional to time. In time, life will be able to introduce you to yourself then that's the only moment when you'll be able to truly love someone. When you can have someone that will spend his/her life with you with content and comfort. When you can both be journeying together conquering the world.

Then again, let's stop defining love and just do it. Make it.

[untitled]

It's one of those moments when a shitload of jelly comes out of my mouth instead of comforting words to make that person feel even just a tiny bit better. My brain shuts down for some reason and I mumble.

I'm sorry I don't know what to say. I'm sorry all you heard from that phone call was "fuck". [I'm sorry I curse a lot.] I hope I can take all the pain away. [Stupid cliche.] I can only imagine what you're going through right now. I wanna give you a hug so bad and it's not even because you need it. [Ugh, distance is such a bitch. I hope someone gives you tight one where you are right this second.] I just cannot think of anything else to do to be useful to you. I wanna be useful. What can I do?

It's also one of those moments when I like playing the hero. (a.k.a. when I make everything about me not about you; a.k.a. me being a selfish fucker) When I want to save everyone from sorrow. If I could turn all the pain into marshmallows I would. Just give all the shit to me so you won't have to put up with it. Put it in a jar and I'll steal it like that jar of cookies. Flaunt it in fucking Baclaran and I'll snatch it from you! Just give me the pain and I'll deal with it.

Obviously this is all bullshit because you can't do any of these. [Ugh, jelly.] I just pray to God to give you strength to deal with all this. I'm so sorry this happened. If it happened to me, I probably wouldn't even take your call. Anyone's call. [Thanks for taking mine. Thanks for not shutting me out.]

You will be okay. You will find out how to cope and you will do your best to do it because we will make you. Accept all the hands that will be given to you. Please don't shut us out.

For now, just be strong.

Putting All Eggs in One Basket

[Selects playlist. Shuffle. Go.]

(Now playing: Just a Little Bit by Maria Mena)
Just a little bit stronger. Just a little bit wiser. Just a little less needy. And maybe I'll get there.

I was carrying a dozen colored balloons. Pretty balloons. Full of air. Colorful. The sky got dark. It rained. It rained needles! All my balloons popped. All my pretty balloons. All my balloons full of air. All my colorful balloons.

[Next. Next. Next. Go.]

{Now playing: Always by Atlantic Star)
Come with me, my sweet. Let's go make a family.

Today, I met up with my friend who was pregnant with her first child. She was sleepy. She was ranting. She was tired. She told me all her husband did were hug her and tell her that everything will be ok. She smiled. She was ready to go to work.

[Next. Go.]

{Now playing: In Repair by John Mayer)
I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there.

Tornado. A tornado entered my room. I know I invited you over, but I have to clean my room first. I'm putting the Do Not Disturb sign on my door. Please keep yourself comfortable outside. It's pretty messed up in here. It'll take time to clean all the shit up. Tornadoes.

(Now playing: Your Guardian Angel - Acoustic Version by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

[Listens for a while.]
[Next. Next. Go.]

(Now playing: I Can't Make You Love Me - Cover by Adele)
I will give up this fight.

[Sings along.]
[Go again.]

(Now playing: The First Cut Is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow)
I still want you by my side. Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried.

[Tries to harmonize.]
[Shuts up and focuses. Go again.]

Last night, I saw someone crossing the street in the rain without an umbrella. I was standing across him with an umbrella in my hand and my bag on the other. I was staring at him. I wanted to share my umbrella with him. The rain was pouring hard. I felt bad. Guilty. I was about to cross when the cars came fast in front of me. I stopped. It caught his attention. He was frowning. He was soaking wet. He was pissed off. I smiled. He forced a smile a back. It was all we could offer each other. The rain finally stopped.

[Next. Next. Next. Next. Oh.]

(Now playing: Tulog Na by Sugarfree)
Tulog na, mahal ko. Nandito lang akong bahala sa iyo. Sige na, tulog na muna. Tulog na, mahal ko. At baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas at sabay nating harapin ang mundo.

[Go.]

(Now playing: Honestly by Bethany Joy Galeotti)
I'm so glad you're far away. Is that a terrible thing to say? Well, I wonder if you're okay.

As I open my eyes in the morning... As I commute to work... In the middle of the meeting... As I do my actual work... As I commute home... As I have my dinner either alone or with my sister... As I hangout alone in my room... In rainy days... Whenever I'm lost... Whenever I see others... Whenever I hear the fucking song, "Cable Cars" by frickin' The Fray... Whenever my bag gets way too heavy... Whenever I watch a movie about love... Whenever I have a bad day... I hear you whisper. But I can't understand. You're way too far away. Perhaps in another continent. Please speak louder. Are you there? Do you still exist?

(Now playing: Last Flight Out by Plus One)
Although it's hard and scares me so, a life without you scares me more.

[Battery empty. Charge. End.]

Chloe the Clingy Monkey

Chloe the Clingy Monkey loves to cling to lamp posts. Not trees. Lamp posts. For some odd reason, she always fails to cling to trees. She may be allergic to the leaves of the tree, or the tree may be way too tall, or she may be way too short, or she just plainly fails to reach the tree. She tries and tries to reach the tall luscious trees but her leap is just not enough. So she decides to settle for the lamp posts. The lamp posts that are comfortable. The lamp posts that give her light but are cold in the middle of the night. The lamp posts that she loves to talk to but don't always respond. The lamp posts that pretend to shade her whenever it rains. The lamp posts that are good enough for now. She settles for them. For now.

Bipolarity, Randomness, Sleepiness

TAKE ONE:
[I used to think I had nothing to say. That I could handle everything on my own. But I actually wanna scream. I wanna burst out in tears. I actually wanna talk. And now that I have something to say, I find myself talking to a wall. I've been talking to a wall all this time.]

TAKE TWO:
[I've been on this Merry-Go-Round (which by the way is my favorite ride in amusement parks) for so long now. I'm already very dizzy. I wanna get off so bad, but I wanna get my money's worth. But is it really worth it when I already feel like vomiting?]

TAKE THREE:
[I'm not gonna fall for that bait you're dangling. I'm gonna keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming.]

TAKE FOUR:
[It's funny when a dog chases its tail. It'll try to catch its tail around and around and around until it can't anymore. I like it when it stops and gives up. That implies that the dog learned it's impossible to chase your tail. I don't like it when it does the chasing over again.]

TAKE FIVE:
["CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" I hear a soft reply. Then I say even louder, "IS ANYBODY THERE?!" I can't quite make out the reply. I decide to listen very carefully as I screamed for the last time, "HELLO??!" I hear a faint, "Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello." Just an echo. No one's here.]

TAKE SIX:
[Jelly melly felly kelly celly nelly delly pelly. I wanna turn into jelly.]

(This is what I get for listening to Jason Mraz in the shower.)

I miss your THE touch. I miss THE hugs and kisses... I miss THE affection.

I don't know if it's just a sign of ageing or something, but I'm now feeling the need to have a "certain someone". The need for someone to hold me whenever it's frickin' cold at night and tell me that the storm will eventually stop. The need for someone who I can cuddle with and hold my hand all thru the night. The need for someone...

These feelings are at their worst every night. (I don't really notice them in the morning.)

I sometimes fantasize about you. (Not the ew-kinky kind of fantasizing.) I fantasize you lying down next to me. Talking to me. Holding me. Listening to me. Laughing with/at me. And then we eventually fall asleep together...

I fantasize that you're here, beside me. Not in another continent.

It's insanely crazy that I'm still hanging on to you. I can't even remember how you look like anymore. We barely even had time alone together. I don't know why I hang on to you still. Maybe it's 'cause you were the last one. Or the one after the last one. The very last one who made sense.

I wish I could go there. I wish you could come here.

Then again, you probably don't even remember me.


Love is blinding when your timing's never right
Oh but who am I to beg for difference
Finding love in a distant instant
But I don't mind


Oh love at least I tried, well I tried...

Because your love, your love, your love is my drug

I FINALLY had human (other than my family of course) contact today. It was such a relief when one of my bestfriends texted me to hangout. It's always exciting when we hang out together because we have "jonders talks". Haha! "Jonders talks" = mature talks about life, love, friends, and everything else. It's when we overcome our A.D.D.'s and all other mental disorders/deficiencies (an exaggeration OF COURSE) to analyze our surroundings. It sounds oh, so formal, but it SO is not. So when she texted me about the hangout, we immediately set the date and had it.

I found out just when I was on my way that my other bestfriend was also coming. That got me even more excited because the three of us rarely hang out. We could LITERALLY talk the whole day (I cannot emphasize the "LITERALLY" enough because we seriously already did.) about just one thing or just one memory. I bet we could have "jonders talks" for weeks.

So that's what we did (kinda). We hung out at a coffee shop and just talked about random stuff. Random memories. That made me subconsciously ignore my depressing self. Yep, I've been depressed for a while, and it's kinda nice to just stop and hear hilarious stories and fucked up ones. Also, I figured out that I wasn't only depressed, I was also lonely. I thought I would NEVER feel that. I'm a big preacher of "it doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone". I was always comfortable at being alone. I never knew how this felt. I guess you only feel it once you actually interact with people because then you'll notice the difference. The difference from having your bestfriends around to staying in your room reading an awesome book or watching movies (which I both LOVE to do alone). The difference between hanging out with my bestfriends and hanging out with my bedroom furnitures.

Then we went to the house of my bestfriend. The "jonders talks" got even deeper. I loved how they understood EXACTLY how I felt and knew EXACTLY what to say. I loved how they were also going through what's been fucking me up recently. We talked about the "curse", the pressure, the expectations, etc. And when you see your bestfriend cry, you shut up and just hug. Just hug to let her know that you're ALWAYS going to be there for her. That we're always going to be there for each other.

I cannot emphasize enough how I want this friendship between the three of us to last forever. I'm actually in the verge of tears right now because I really feel strongly about this. I'm always the peson who's very independent and who usually does not need anyone to live. But I've realized throughout our friendship that I actually need them. And that scares me a bit. It scares me that I might need them more than they need me. That I might love them more than they love me.

Only hangouts with them can make us forget that the world is actually spinning. Time stops for a while when we're together. We're completely indifferent with the things going on around us. Only all of us together can make us forget that the world is actually out there. That there will be a tomorrow. That we have to face reality again after tonight.


That the frickin' planet Venus just passed by across the sun a while ago.

Thanks for the rescue! :) ++

Just grateful to a friend who spent the weekend with me. I've been feeling like shit since last week so it was really nice not to wallow in depression and sulk for a change.

We didn't do anything special or whatever, but it's kinda nice to not do anything with someone. (Yep, I think I just slept the whole time.)

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On another note, I figured out that making two worlds meet makes me anxious. Two sides of me that is. Sides that are not as simple as just the good and bad. It's kinda like mixing ice cream with chowder. O__O

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On another other note, I'm going to Singapore on Thursday! :) We're celebrating my sister's birthday. Oh, how I miss traveling. Oh, how I miss airports. I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WAIT! Weee!

Suggestion Box

I don't ask. I don't know how. It's probably 'cause I, myself, don't wanna be asked.

I'm sorry for not asking. I'm sorry I'm not there. I wanna be there so bad. It's just that I kinda have my own shit too. I'm kinda stuck in this black hole and I don't know what to do. If you could just wait for me, that'd be grand. I hope I don't take too long.

For now, I can only offer my occasional presence, hugs and shoulder to lean on. I hope they do. For now.

I miss you. I miss me. I miss us... all of us.

The Tale of the Lost Remote Control

When you lose the remote control for the TV after watching a movie, it seems unbearable. In that particular moment, it seems so excrutiating to read the words coming from the bottom of the screen to the top. You start looking for the remote control and it feels like you've already wasted a whole lot of time. 2 minutes seem like forever. You are now angry and you turn your surroundings upside down. You are just about to stop looking and just turn the TV off when you finally find it. You start to calm down and flip through the channels. You find that in most of the channels, all you see are credits. It's that time of the night wherein every movie in every channel has just finished. (7pm/9pm/11pm) You decide to wait. Then you start getting impatient so you just settle on a documentary that interests you or probably the news. And then you fall asleep.

When you lose something very valuable to you, it is impossible not to miss it. Time may fool you and make you believe that you don't but there will be moments wherein that feeling of helplessness emanates. There's no way to completely get over it. You have to have some kind of a powerful memory to overcome that feeling. Or maybe another loss would do it.

Losing the remote control of your TV is much simpler because in the back of your head, you're 100% sure you'll find it. It's in the same room as you are. And that's the reason why you get so angry and impatient that you don't find it fast enough. It's so near but you can't see it. In a way, you need that anger and impatience to continue to look for it because you know you really need it to change the frickin' channel.

But what if you start losing more complicated things like people, inspiration, identity, or independence. The anger and impatience will be different. It'll be quiet and stagnant and annoying. That push to look for those things will be gone. No one will convince you to look for it. Maybe not even yourself. But the thing is, no one has to. You just have to realize that the thing you lost is in the same room as you are. That'll drive you crazy and only then will you be 100% sure that you'll find it.

And I swear, when I find it, I'm not just gonna fall asleep. I'm gonna watch the best damn movie and finish it.