Because your love, your love, your love is my drug

I FINALLY had human (other than my family of course) contact today. It was such a relief when one of my bestfriends texted me to hangout. It's always exciting when we hang out together because we have "jonders talks". Haha! "Jonders talks" = mature talks about life, love, friends, and everything else. It's when we overcome our A.D.D.'s and all other mental disorders/deficiencies (an exaggeration OF COURSE) to analyze our surroundings. It sounds oh, so formal, but it SO is not. So when she texted me about the hangout, we immediately set the date and had it.

I found out just when I was on my way that my other bestfriend was also coming. That got me even more excited because the three of us rarely hang out. We could LITERALLY talk the whole day (I cannot emphasize the "LITERALLY" enough because we seriously already did.) about just one thing or just one memory. I bet we could have "jonders talks" for weeks.

So that's what we did (kinda). We hung out at a coffee shop and just talked about random stuff. Random memories. That made me subconsciously ignore my depressing self. Yep, I've been depressed for a while, and it's kinda nice to just stop and hear hilarious stories and fucked up ones. Also, I figured out that I wasn't only depressed, I was also lonely. I thought I would NEVER feel that. I'm a big preacher of "it doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone". I was always comfortable at being alone. I never knew how this felt. I guess you only feel it once you actually interact with people because then you'll notice the difference. The difference from having your bestfriends around to staying in your room reading an awesome book or watching movies (which I both LOVE to do alone). The difference between hanging out with my bestfriends and hanging out with my bedroom furnitures.

Then we went to the house of my bestfriend. The "jonders talks" got even deeper. I loved how they understood EXACTLY how I felt and knew EXACTLY what to say. I loved how they were also going through what's been fucking me up recently. We talked about the "curse", the pressure, the expectations, etc. And when you see your bestfriend cry, you shut up and just hug. Just hug to let her know that you're ALWAYS going to be there for her. That we're always going to be there for each other.

I cannot emphasize enough how I want this friendship between the three of us to last forever. I'm actually in the verge of tears right now because I really feel strongly about this. I'm always the peson who's very independent and who usually does not need anyone to live. But I've realized throughout our friendship that I actually need them. And that scares me a bit. It scares me that I might need them more than they need me. That I might love them more than they love me.

Only hangouts with them can make us forget that the world is actually spinning. Time stops for a while when we're together. We're completely indifferent with the things going on around us. Only all of us together can make us forget that the world is actually out there. That there will be a tomorrow. That we have to face reality again after tonight.


That the frickin' planet Venus just passed by across the sun a while ago.

On wanting more...

I dreamt of you last night. We were talking. It was pretty serious. It kind of felt like we were in gradeschool again. At one point we laughed together. I miss that.

And then I woke up.

I immediately said to myself, "Why in a dream? Why not here? Right now?" And then I realized that can never be. But I just really wanna see and ask you why you left us.

I have NO idea why you affect me so much. But I seriously wouldn't mind you answering my questions in my dreams tonight.

See you...

The Fifth Fat One

People say that before a person dies, his whole life's memory flashes before his eyes. In a split second, he'll be able to see the memories in fast forward motion. He'll see all the good and bad ones. He'll see his regrets. He'll see the laughters shared with his friends. He'll see everything... in a flash.

People overlook the fact that this also happens to the people that person leaves behind. We'll also see all the good and bad ones, but tend to focus on the good ones. We'll also see all the memories and laughters shared. We'll also see everything. The only difference is, with him, he's only gonna see it in a flash... in fast forward motion. But us... we will see it in very slow motion for a relatively longer time. We think of all the jokes shared. All the episodes of Friends watched. The epic ballpen thrown to the Reading teacher. A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks. The seatmate. We will reminisce and reminisce until we can't anymore.

We will look back and try to understand what happened. Try to see if you left any evidence. Try to see what pushed you out of that hotel building.

I'm not gonna pretend that I know you inside and out. But we were really good friends back then. Now, I'm just gonna hang on to the memories of you in that white and blue uniform because those were the good ones.


To be honest, I don't know why you did it. Rest, Marc. Rest in peace.


You will always be the fifth fat one.