Swimming Pools and the Monster

I had a dream about a week after It happened...

I dreamt that I was in a resort with many swimming pools. I walked around and did not feel the urge to get in any of them. I just wanted to… look around. Some pools were weird. One had strong waves. One had green water. One had someone cleaning it. I got lost looking around this resort with weird pools and I started to panic. That’s when I woke up.

I searched for “pools” in my go-to dream website and it said, “To see a pool of water in your dream indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.” (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/p4.htm)

After It happened, I was trying really hard to contain my emotions and compartmentalize. I’m very good (expert) at this so I was confident I could handle it. I had to put my feelings away because I had to function normally. But no matter how I secured and locked my feelings into a box, the monster kept trying to creep out.

It's surprising and overwhelming how this particular monster easily escapes my heavily guarded box and manages to show itself when I'm in meetings, in my car alone, in bed before I sleep, and in my dreams.

One of my close friends asked me, “Is this your first heartbreak?” My answer was, “No. But this is the most in-your-face-you-NEED-to-get-hurt-and-FEEL-it heartbreak ever.” Everything happened so abruptly. It felt like a bad car crash. I guess this is what I get for wanting to get to my destination as fast as I could...

It’s been more than a month now since it happened and I still see him everywhere. I hate how my sacred me-times have now been compromised. For some reason, he only shows up when the memories associated with him are good ones. I think when your heart is crushed and beaten, your brain automatically focuses on good memories instead of bad ones to comfort your breaking heart. Or to probably try to make sense of everything that happened.

There were numerous red flags before it ended. But it was so easy for me to ignore them because… I liked the company. I liked being picked up from work. I liked having dates. I liked that someone liked to be with me. I liked how I was liked… finally.

As I gain my rational self back, I’m slowly realizing how bad those red flags were. It amazes me how your brain can get hi-jacked just because your heart beats a little faster and your stomach occasionally flutters. I see those flags clearly now and it makes me sad because they invalidate the moments and the feelings they come with. It makes me doubt if everything was real or... made up.

I’m starting to think that the main reason why the monster is able to escape from my secured box is because… I let it. Sometimes, all the monster has to do is knock once. Then I find myself scrambling for the key to let it out. When it starts to hurt me, that’s when I try to brutally wrestle with it and push it back in my secured box. Then I cry myself to sleep because… I’m exhausted.

There is some lesson to be learned here, I know. But right now, I’m just trying to ignore the knocks from my box. And maybe after a while, it will eventually get tired. Maybe after a while, when I finally decide to open the box again, it won't try to hurt me anymore. Maybe after a while, it will be my friend (CLARIFICATION: the monster not him).

Maybe after a while, this monster will help create a new me. A new me that is again... liked.

On Fairness and Playgrounds

When I was in gradeschool, one of my classmates called me fat. Before I could respond (a.k.a. punch this kid in the face because I do not tolerate bullies), my bestfriend interrupted and said, "Yeah, but she's... good at Math!"

My bestfriend and I still laugh about it 'til now. I love her.

I went home that day pondering on what happened, and I realized that... I AM good at Math! I'm actually awesome at Math! But I'm also fat. Awesomely fat.

That was the moment when I decided that life is fair.

If you look at life in a linear way: fat - thin, good at Math - sucks at Math, rich - poor, etc., it will seem that life is unfair.

If you look at life in just a single spectrum of a certain quality and notice yourself to be close to one end of it, it will always seem that you lack or have too much of that particular quality. Think of it as a seesaw. You may want to be on top when you're at the bottom looking up and vice versa.

But life is composed of multiple combinations of those spectra. And somehow, if you sum up all these positive and negative qualities, you'll approach 0. Meaning life can pretty much be fair.

I stuck with this idealistic point of view until I found out what makes people's lives unfair.

Remember those spectra I was talking about? When someone is too good or bad at one of those, and he uses that quality to hurt someone else, that's when the seesaws get toppled. Just like how my classmate tried to do it to mine when he called me fat.

It was easy to handle that classmate since we were all kids and we were just in a classroom. I could easily punch him in the face* and life will be fair again. But what if you have no idea how to punch? What if you're one of those people who are good at Math, but sucks at punching? What if you're too nice and the bully is too mean? What if you are your own bully? How will you restore the seesaws then?

Life is fair. PEOPLE make it UNFAIR. The people who are too good at taking advantage are the ones messing up all our seesaws. And the only way to fight (besides punching them in the face) is to look for someone who can guard your playground and put the seesaws back to normal.

Sometimes, that someone can be your bestfriend (see first paragraph). Sometimes, it can be your parents or someone you hire to defend you. But most of the time, that someone is just you.

At the end of the day, those are your seesaws and you must learn to protect them. But until you can't, find comfort in the fact that those bullies have a very special place in the playground of hell.

*Kids, do not punch your classmates in the face.

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PS: I would like to send virtual hugs to those who are being bullied and have no idea how to protect their own playground as of the moment. *HUG*

Unspoken Words and Loud Thoughts

"You seem like a robot sometimes," someone recently told me. He could have added, "You're also rigid and unapproachable," but I told him I already knew what he meant.

It's the second time someone's called me a "robot". A robot who just does her job at work and nothing more. A robot who finds it difficult to make friends because she fears she might lose her authority. A robot who sometimes prefers to be feared than be liked.

I couldn't decide what to feel when I was called a "robot" for the second time. It seemed inaccurate and misunderstood. I think it's funny that at my first job, their major gripe about me is that I was too nice.

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I'm starting to get overwhelmed with the future. I feel it slowly come up to me while I consistently run away from it. I'm afraid that one day, without warning, it'll finally catch up to me. Ready to slap me in the face.

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One thing you probably should know about me is that I was raised to be extremely independent. "When someone offers you something, always politely say no even if you want it," my mom would tell me. This applied to candies, chocolates, food in general, assistance of any kind, etc. My mom is the kind of person who worked really hard on her own for what she has right now.

When I got a bit older, I realized that I was able to turn the independence my mom taught me into something else. I became a good actor. Even if I needed food, I always acted full. Even if I needed help, I always acted like I have it all in control. Even if someone was showing me care, I always acted like I didn't need it.

When I got a lot older, it turned into something else again. It turned into pride. I would exhaust all my efforts before asking for help. Just thinking of needing someone or something else, made me feel weak. I turned into someone who couldn't see the difference between sympathy and love so when one of them is given to me, I'm not able to decipher which is which.

One of my best friends told me that the reason why I didn't have "someone" is because I didn't need one. Or at least it seems like I didn't need one. "People like to be needed sometimes. It makes them feel good about themselves," he said.

So the next time you offer me coffee, beer, or assistance of any kind, I will turn my brain off, take a deep breath, smile, and just say, "Yes, please. Thank you."

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I have a very good imagination. That's why I prefer books rather than movies. I think that's also why I prefer you far away than with me here.

I've conjured up a picture of you in my head. I'm scared that if I see you everyday, I'll find out that the picture doesn't resemble you at all.

Oh, but the thought of having you with me everyday puts a huge smile on my face.

A Peek of the Future Last Friday...

Last Friday, I finally got my diploma! After putting off claiming it for the past 4 years, I finally got it!

YEAH!

Two weeks ago I decided to go to graduate school. I wanna study Behavioral Economics or Social/Cognitive Psychology. Finally claiming my diploma legitimized my intent to go back to school. I've been in the zone reading books, articles, research papers, etc. to prepare my rusty brain. I CANNOT WAIT.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm really scared to go back to school. But it feels like I'm making the right decision because I'm experiencing calm anxiety. That means it's really important to me or that I really want it, and I'm ready. Finally having my diploma in my hands gave me nice and soothing palpitations.

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Last Friday, I got invited to watch a movie with friends. Only it wasn’t just “watching a movie” I was invited to. I would also be watching 2 of my closest friends get engaged!

#AnnaSaidYes

Uhh, it was so awesome! It was nice seeing highschool friends and witnessing the proposal together. It brought back all the memories and how they all make sense now.

Apart from the proposal, the most important thing that happened that night, for me, was being reunited with one of my best friends in highschool. When you have a peek of the future, you let go of what’s unnecessary and hold on to what’s important. That’s exactly what happened. I finally let go of the pride and the shit that comes with it, and held on to the friendship and the person. I’m so excited now to experience a better future together!

Congratulations, Anna and Chris!!!

While wiping off my tears after the proposal, I couldn’t help but think, “Kailangan payat na ako sa wedding!”

Cheers to the future! :)

Hangovers and Makulay na Daster

Things that happen after reading a Murakami or Kundera book, watching a Pixar film that poses as "for kids", or going to a gig of your childhood-favorite band... while drinking cocktails and 3 bottles of beer.

"Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay."

Ebe Dancel had a small gig in 12 Monkeys. He promised to play all Sugarfree songs. SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE.

The last time I watched Sugarfree play was the night they disbanded. And as if the sky knew what was happening, it rained pretty hard. I remember it clearly because while I was soaking wet jumping up and down, I stepped on shards of broken beer bottles. With my bleeding foot, I continued to sing along because... SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE.

I can't remember watching my first ever Sugarfree gig. I do remember following them around with my bestfriend when I was in highschool. We used to make Ebe, Jal, Mitch/Kaka sign our [very cool] phone cases...

because we honestly didn't have enough money to buy their actual album and have them sign it.

I remember how their songs spoke to me when I was going through things (a.k.a. puberty). I remember listening to all of them thinking, "P*cha, ako ba kausap mo? Sapul eh."

(FUN FACT: My favorite song is Cuida.)

And that's why I didn't care that I stood for 3 hours at 12 Monkeys that night. I didn't care that I was singing out loud while people on their prestigious tables were staring. "Kung pag-aari ko lang ang lumbay, itatago ko siya habang buhay." I mean... SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE!

And then I received a text from my sister...

At around Ebe's 5th song, I found out my grandmother (on my dad's side) passed away. She was gonna be 91 years old yesterday.

I immediately thought of my dad. Mama had been sick for months. She's in the States. Last February, my auntie asked my dad to visit them there. "Para makita mo naman one last time," she said. My dad went there alone to check up on her. He stayed at the hospital with her for a week. The last thing he said was, "Ma, aalis na ako bukas ah. I love you," then kissed her on the forehead.

Goodbyes are very important no matter how difficult they are to say.

My auntie called the other night. She's the one arranging everything for the wake. She was telling my dad that she had no idea where to put all of Mama's stuff. She had a lot of clothes that no one wanted. I remember seeing her in her colorful dasters all the time. Her pajamas and church clothes are the best because they had to match. They had to be made using the same fabric. It was so funny and adorable.

Makulay na dasters and terno clothes. That's how I'll always remember how awesome she was.

Rest in peace, Mama. Have fun with Ang Kong!

(So please forgive me if I turned down any lunch/dinner invite. It's a bed/blanket-burrito weekend for me I'm afraid.)

Finally

Twice. I cried in the shuttle home twice. The first time was when I lost my phone for the second time. I hid behind my jacket while rehearsing the spiel for my mom explaining why I lost my phone again. When I got home, I just hugged her and cried my eyes out even more.

The second time I cried in the shuttle home happened this week. It was right after a night of stripping away my mask and ingesting my pride whole.

Pride is such a hard thing to swallow. It gets bigger and bigger as you feed it every single day until it gets humongous enough that you're unable to carry it along anymore. A few weeks ago, I finally took a bite off it so I can survive and live my life. And on the day I cried in the shuttle home for the second time, I finally swallowed it whole.

When expectations are already rooted in your head about how something is gonna go, you try your best to think of the things that would go wrong so you're prepared just in case. And no matter how your expectations and strategies meet inside your head, you never really know how things will end up. And maybe that's the reason why I got so upset. Even though my head knew how the night will go, the reality of it all was still the worst.

When someone special to you makes you feel tells you you're not, it really hits home. When you strip off your mask and show the real you and someone tells you to put it back on, it really hits home. When you love someone too much and he's incapable of loving you anyone, it really hits home. That night really hit home. That's why I cried for the second time in the shuttle home.

Everything went dark that night. Then it got quiet. That's when my head started to talk to my heart. That's when my head told my heart to calm down and stop crying. That's when my head comforted my heart for being so brave. That it was finally done. That we've survived. It's over. Finally, it's over.

Right now, it's still dark. Still quiet. But on the other hand, I feel relieved. It was so difficult to swallow my pride whole. Right now, I'm having difficulties digesting it. But I feel lighter somehow. Slowly it will all be gone and I'll finally be ready to... do it over again. This time, do it right.

Do it right because my head and heart have already been through a lot. Do it right because I finally deserve it.

"Oh, it's just me."

“You’re here for vacation? Who are you with?”

“Oh, it’s just me.”

Most of the people who asked me that question just nodded and said, “Oh…” As if to say, “Oh, I get it. You’re probably doing that That Thing Called Tadhana thing. Aww…” Or maybe, “Oh, you’re soul searching. Like how Julia Roberts ate, prayed, and loved.” Or maybe, “Oh, that’s kinda weird. Stay away from me, you weirdo.”

Honestly, the main reason I wanted to go to Bohol is… I WANTED TO GO TO BOHOL. I’ve always wanted to see the Chocolate Hills and the huge stretch of white sand in Panglao. I didn’t go because I was escaping or trying to “find myself” or whatever. I went because I wanted to.

At first, I was super excited. I AM an independent woman and I was travelling alone. I felt like I could do anything. But as the trip got nearer and nearer, I started getting nervous. Can I really go all the way to Visayas on my own? I don’t even speak their language! They’re gonna hate my weird trying-real-hard-to-be-normal-amongst-strangers-so-I-become-super-perky self! But oh well, I already paid for the flight, hotel, and everything. I just have to put on my normal-human mask and I’ll be fine.

When I went around the city, I didn’t really care about the people (tourists) around me because there were a lot of things to see and learn. I didn't mind the stares they shot me when they find out I'm alone. I like doing city tours because that’s when you truly feel and grasp the culture of a place.  When you see people doing the most mundane things, that’s when you truly know their “patterns”. Boholanos, I found out, are really friendly and welcoming. Tagbilaran, after all, is the City of Friendship. My weird humor is not that well-received though. I keep making the service staffs laugh wherever I’m going, but they seem to misunderstand what I mean. It’s probably the language barrier. They probably don’t understand my jokes. Of course, that’s the reason. I KNOW I’M FUNNY!

I think when you’re travelling alone, you get to experience things on a higher level. Everything is amplified. Food tastes better (or worse if they’re bad), sceneries are more overwhelming, and stares are more noticeable. I think it’s because there are no one distracting you from truly experiencing everything you eat, see, smell, hear, and feel. You only worry about yourself and for me, that’s the most relaxing thing. Whenever I’m travelling with people, I always worry if they’re enjoying my company. I get dragged to adventure-y places to do adventure-y stuff. If something goes wrong, I always worry that they might get pissed off. Now that I’m alone, I’m completely worry and stress free.

Now, I’m finally here in Panglao! The beach is just amazing. The low tide upped my amazement even further! The sand is super powdery, it feels like walking on clouds. Uh, it’s so beautiful!

The thing about beaches though is time seems to slow down. There’s nothing much to do but chill (or it’s probably just in my case since I don’t like water adventure things). Every experience is once again amplified. My thoughts (evil ones, sad ones, happy ones, etc.) got louder. It felt like my day was being written by Haruki Murakami. Suddenly, everything around me and everything I did had existential meanings. I loved and hated it…

I loved it because I finally get to hear my thoughts! I actually have time to listen. I’m usually just tired from the commute every single day after work that I don’t even get to think about things anymore. Now I have the whole day to recharge my thoughts. But too much thinking can lead you to a trap. I suddenly noticed myself crying on the beach because of these unruly thoughts.

Two days before my trip, something happened. I bumped into someone I didn’t see for more than a year. He didn’t see me, but I saw him. I did the double take and everything so I could really make sure it was him. It was him, alright. My initial reaction was pure panic. I started hyperventilating. When I finally calmed myself down, I started asking questions.

What does this mean?! Why now?! I was doing so well. I was moving on! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, UNIVERSE?! Ugh, destiny sucks.

When I saw him, all feelings came back. Both good ones and bad. I wonder if he felt my presence during that particular moment when I saw him. Scientists recently proved that the “bend” in space and time actually exists when there’s intense gravity present. I wonder if that’s true in an ultimately minute scale, say between two people. Are they able to feel the weight between them? Are they able to feel the unevenness of the weight? Is it painful for the both of them? These were the questions I asked the ocean this morning as it swallowed my tears.

These questions will obviously remain unanswered. For now, I’ll just do my best and enjoy the few hours I have in this paradise. Once I go back to reality, I will do the thing I do best. Fake it until I make it. I think I’m awesome at that. The reason it’s hard for now is ‘cause I’m not there yet. I haven’t MADE it. So I just have to be patient and not ask dumb questions to the majestic ocean and ruin perfectly good sunrises.

Morning/Night Pages 082015

In the middle of August, I read something online about this thing called "Morning Pages". The rule is to write 3 pages every morning about anything under the sun. It doesn't have to be good. You don't even have to read it. Its goal is to eliminate what's blocking your creativity. What's blocking what you actually want to write. It gets rid of your word vomit so creativity can come out and slap itself on paper.

I started in the middle of August. Since it's now the 31st, I decided to read my word vomits for the latter half of August. I wasn't writing every single day (and I usually write every night) so I only had 16 pages to read.

I noticed that in between all the mess (word vomit), there were parts that really made a lot of sense. There were parts that rose above all the shit. There were parts that really hit home.


08-11:
My shit didn't seem as shitty as their shit. My shit didn't even seem like legit shit.

The person causing the problem, I thought, was also the cure for how horrible I was feeling.

08-12: 
...That day felt like his day. It was like he was controlling the course of my day.

I woke up the next day feeling all fucked up. Fucked up but wanting to continue the dream still because sometimes, I'd rather endure hell knowing that he'll be there with me.

08-13:
I always think about him whenever my world stops. Whenever I do the most boring and empty things in my life.

And it kinda slapped me in the face because while I'm forgetting about him, he's also forgetting about me.

And whenever you're breaking a person's heart, I've learned, you have to be cruel.

08-14:
I think at the end of the day, you just gotta love what you decide to do for the rest of your life.

08-15:
There's this birthday card that had resurfaced my desk because Tita Evelyn cleaned it... I actually don't know why I didn't send it... For some reason, I just didn't feel like it.

08-17:
...when your heart breaks, it also breaks your self-worth. It brings you down and crushes your confidence.

08-19:
I was just afraid he'd message me or something. We're doing too well for either of us to contact the other. Glad he didn't. Kinda...

08-31:
I hate surprises. I hate him just popping without notice.

When will the pain stop?! When will time kick in and start doing its job?

Whatever happened between us already makes sense to him. He already learned something from what happened. I'm still working on my lesson to learn from all this shit.


I'm now looking forward to making this a habit this September. Things that come out of these Morning/Night Pages are very interesting. By writing and reading them, I'm getting to know myself bit by bit. It's a start in piecing my self-worth back together. It's a start towards loving myself again.

And I promise I will have different topics to write about this time.

An Introvert's Journey to Adrenaline and Alcohol

"To the future..." started the toasts while immediately following up with, "but still thinking of the now!" *clink* "CHEERS!"

We have conquered Enchanted Kingdom (the happiest place in Laguna) today. A few of my quarter-year old highschool friends and I frickin' crushed Enchanted Kingdom! Who's #TitaOfManila now?! It was my first time riding Anchor's Away and I surprisingly liked it. After that, I didn't mind being the Official Bag Carrier of the group (because really, Space Shuttle? N-O_W-A-Y). Frickin' Anchor's Away, dude! I can do anything!

Before the trip, however, I was having mini-palpitations (being the abnormally anti-human/acute introverted person I have become lately) because I was gonna hang out with old friends I wasn't hanging out with for a long time. "What are the social norms involved? What exactly is the threshold of making 'too many' jokes? Does it even exist because what can go wrong with 'too many' jokes? Will they get annoyed and find out that that is how I calm myself and hide my anxieties? What is the appropriate distance between each other when taking pictures... unit of measure = inches?" These thoughts were running rapidly in my mind since yesterday and these exact thoughts were the ones that woke me up before the sun even rose this morning.

During the trip, after inducing a lot of caffeine, my normal-person self kicked in and I was on auto-pilot. I was still myself. But those insane thoughts going around my head got shut off.

Caffeine = 1, Acute Introversion = 0

I started having fun. Actually, have fun. Which was new since I've been feeling crappy lately. The most surprising thing was I was doing it amidst all these humans. These people. My friends. My close friends. My bestfriends. It was a weird feeling. Familiar, but weird.

Since it's a Sunday and everyone had shit to do tomorrow, we had to leave at 5pm. (This is a lie. We left early 'cause WE WERE TIRED. DO NOT JUDGE OUR AGEING BODIES!) It took just one of us to say, "Tara, isang pitcher lang tapos uwi na agad." to throw those shit to-dos in the trash.

Adrenaline took its toll on all of our ageing bodies, but none of us could resist the evil that alcohol brings in all of us. EQs were let loose and tensions were piled on the table like there's no tomorrow. Suddenly, "hugot" became an understatement. "Hukay," "Dukot," "Labas," "Hukot" (which is not a word) and even "Bet!" and "Floor Wax" had whole new meanings. Prides were exposed and confrontations happened. It was gonna be a crazy night and I was relieved that my EQ was still intact and my anxieties are already fast asleep.

Amidst all the tension, we also talked about real-world stuff like how to start a business, benefits of networking, not pressuring yourself to be your other quarter-year old friends who are more successful, etc. It was interesting to see how all of our outlooks changed compared to when we were still in highschool. It's funny how we have all grown up and still have a lot of unanswered questions in life. When I was in highschool, I imagined myself now to have it all figured out. I imagined that my life would be smooth and perfect without exerting an ounce of effort. But life is a joker. It fools you to think that you know everything, but then it suddenly changes the game and you're lost again. The hard part is... you still have to continue playing.

I'm not sure where I wrote it, but I still believe that all of us, my close friends and I, have magnets inside us. No matter what happens, no matter how many tensions, prides, egos, or just flat out shit are piled up on the table, we will still be pulled towards each other. That is just how it's going to be. We may drift apart due to time or distance, but at the end of it all we will always be drawn towards each other.

So friends, we have no choice. We're all in this together. Always.

PS: LIVE FOR THE JOURNEY! *wink*

New Year Goggles and Goals

Before I make crazy promises and impossible resolutions while wearing my New Year goggles, I wanna give the spotlight to 2014 first. Since my brain and sight have been compromised because of these damn goggles, I have squeezed what I learned in 365 days in just 5 categories. And here they are:

MONEY

I'm awesome when it comes to not spending a lot of money. I love budgeting and saving. (I have an Excel file to prove it if you don't believe me.) BUT, 2014 taught me that I'm not really THAT awesome.

Now that I have a stable income, one would think that I'll be able to save a whole lot with me bragging about my budgeting talents. But no! There aren't enough Forever 21s, Payless shoe stores, Starbucks, and Chinese restaurants out there to fulfill my desires.

2014 made me realize that having money means having more choices/opportunities. Having less of these, limits how you live your life. This is why I work my ass off because I love having a wide selection of things I can spend my money on. Whoever said "Money doesn't give you happiness," probably didn't have much to figure out how to use it properly.

I also love the fact that in 2014, I was able to help my parents with expenses at home. I believe this is my greatest achievement in 2014. Whenever I see the look on my mom's face when I give her my contribution for the house, it makes all the hardwork worth it. It feels really good to be the one helping them out this time. I'm not the breadwinner or anything, but it just feels good to have a major role/responsibility in our home. It makes me feel... included.

Money will enable your future self to live comfortably. (Given, of course, that you live a little uncomfortably now.) "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?" "Because it feels so good when I stop."

CAREER

January 2014, I quit my first job ever. I was given an amazing opportunity to see my future in that company and unfortunately, I didn't like it. It sucked that I didn't because I was having so much fun. Fun doesn't equal fulfillment/success though.

After I quit, I immediately revamped my resume. The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted. Research? Marketing? Advertising? Media? Publishing? Wedding singing? It was overwhelming. Then I hear my parents offering me a position in our family business. That confused me even more. I stopped sending out resumes all together.

I asked the Universe for a sign. "Please please show me my successful self in the future so I can make the right decision NOW!" And lo and behold, the Universe gave me a call. A company was looking for a Sales Trainer, immediate hiring. I had no other leads so I went to the first interview. To cut the story short, February 2014, I became a Sales Trainer. March 2014, I received my first pay.

I'm no Jordan Belfort or anything, but trainer! Training! When I was young, I would always enjoy being a little know-it-all and tutor my classmates who are having trouble in school. I loved explaining Math using animals and food. I loved making the complicated simple. I loved imparting knowledge! But I never thought of it as a career though.

I'll be forever grateful to 2014 because it showed me my path. I love training. I love teaching. I love explaining complicated financial concepts/terms to my trainees and switch their light bulbs on. Oh how I love seeing their light bulbs turn on!

2014 taught me that there's absolutely no pressure in finding out what you wanna do in life. Time is your bestfriend. Maximize it. Just make sure you don't stop until you find that one thing you wanna wake up for for the rest of your life.

LOVE

2014 taught me a lot about TRUE love. How it's not unconditional and it should exist between a giver and a receiver. If the receiver doesn't want the love the giver gave, then it's not TRUE love. Which means, unrequited love is not TRUE love. (Doesn't make it not real though.) It's probably in the Selfish or Unconditional love category. I have no idea if this is TRUE love's real meaning, but this is what makes sense based on my experience.

This 2014, I gave what seemed to be some kind of mutant version of "true" love to someone. (Which obviously was not true love in the first place. It being in its mutant state and all.) It went well at first because it seemed like he felt the same way. See, there were 2 versions of him: the real tangible one and the imagined intangible one that only exists in my head. I'm talking about the latter, of course. When it dawned on me that he actually didn't feel the same way, I was forced to meet the real tangible version of him.

The problem was, I was still hung up with the idea of my mutant "true" love that I had no motivation to shake the real tangible him's hand and introduce myself. I shut down and became a blackhole. I have lived in my imagination long enough that it was hard to snap back to reality.

Thanks to my friends who slapped and dragged me back to life, I was finally able to introduce myself to the real him. And... It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad at all.

I made 2014 all about that damn blackhole. In 2015, I'm making it about the twinkly stars around me. And when I say twinkly stars, I mean my friends.

FRIENDS

"Falling is a chance you give you friends to catch you." As I said, in 2014, I was in a blackhole. I got pushed over the edge and fell. I closed my eyes as I was falling and I expected to hit the ground pretty hard. I was surprised when I suddenly stopped falling. I opened my eyes and saw my friends there, all lined up to cushion my fall.

Selfish-me always thought that I was just a dumpee for all my friends' problems. That when it was my turn to be the dumper, they wouldn't be patient enough to be there for me and listen. 2014 proved me wrong. I gave my friends a lot of shit and they were there to deal with them all. And I will seriously forever be grateful.

I'm guilty of sometimes taking my friends for granted. 2014 made me realize that my friends are an integral part of my life. I've learned that life isn't like Friends or How I Met Your Mother where you can have coffee or beer at 2 in the afternoon with your friends every single day. It doesn't matter if we don't see each other all the time. Distance is nothing when you are committed to someone.

My friends are my gossip girls, slaps in my face, emergency contact people, coffee buddies, random trip/sleepover buddies, sisters, 3-hour phone pals at 3am, ETC! And I'll be the same things for them in a heart beat.

SELF

2014 served as a transition year from my childish, immature self to my... NOT SO childish, immature self. Maybe it's 'cause I turned 25 this 2014. I experienced changes in my taste of movies, books, food, coffee, etc. I found myself drinking tea, eating pineapples, reading 1984 (by George frickin' Orwell!), and watching Annie Hall. I got to know myself better and I believe that's one step towards self-worth.

Having gone through all these changes, 2014 also made me realize that some things never change. Some awesome things about me can stay unchanged while I grow. Like wearing colorful clothes (pink and green! #watermelonfeels), drinking coffee at 11pm (drinking coffee any time of day actually), hating kids but secretly loving them, singing randomly whenever I feel like it, and faking it until I make it (which REALLY works by the way).

Another breakthrough this 2014 is I actually felt more comfortable with myself. And with that comfort came a small amount of confidence. I was confident enough to sing in front of people in a wedding for crying out loud! IN A WEDDING! (I've always wanted to be a wedding singer!) Having confidence is something new to me. It feels nice. I think I'm gonna have more of it in 2015.

2014 was all about first steps of knowing and loving myself. First steps to self-worth. 2015 will not be about steps. It will be about soaring.

Having realized and learned all these things in 2014, my #2015goals are as follows:

1. Have short and long term savings. Short term for travel, emergencies, SCUBA license! Long term for condo!

2. Be an awesome trainer and have more patience with trainees. Follow dreams of becoming a motivational speaker (TED talk levels!)! Inspire and influence people!

3. Don't wait for those damn flowers from someone! Get some seeds, plant some and wait. Or just buy them yourself!

4. Pour out excessive, overwhelming love to friends! Do stuff for them they actually need. Make making your friends happy your priority!

5. Love self more by eating healthy (more pineapples and teas), exercising (Ayala Triangle, baby!), wearing earrings and heels to work (more confidence in 2015!), and sharing singing talent with other humans (preferably in weddings)!

Have an awesome new year, everyone! Let's soar this 2015 and kick 2014's ass! :)

The Dancer's Turn

The spotlight.

It was on her.

Finally, it was her turn.

She has been waiting and waiting.

For the spotlight to be on her.

She stood in the middle.

The light immediately found her.

She’s stunning. Beautiful.

Exquisite.

She walks gracefully.

She closes her eyes.

To savour the spotlight.

That was finally on her.

She danced and danced.

And the spotlight followed.

All around the stage.

All around, the light followed.

She finished her dance.

With a twirl in the middle.

She stopped. She waits.

Waits for the applause.

From the audience she waited.

In the middle.

Spotlight on her, she waited.

Silence.

The beating of her heart.

Her deep breaths.

Were all she could hear.

And louder and louder.

They vanished the silence.

She couldn’t see far.

The light blinded her.

The spotlight finally dimmed.

And slowly she caught sight.

She caught a glimpse of the audience.

No one was there.

No one was watching.

Emptiness.

Her elegant performance.

No one saw.

The spotlight.

The spotlight deceived her.

The middle of the stage.

All around, it deceived her.

The light, slowly dimming.

Gradually, it left the stage.

Before it disappeared,

She took a bow.

She took a bow and left with the light.

Darkness.

Closure

My gradeschool teacher taught me that there are 2 ways a star can die. [From what I remember], a star can turn into a blackhole or it can explode and be a hmmm some kind of dwarf.

I remembered getting scared because I knew (from the previous semester) that the sun is a star. If it died, it could suck all the 9 planets around it or it could explode and kill us all. When I told my teacher all my fears, he laughed at me and said that it won't happen for a million years. That didn't comfort at all.

Just recently, a particular star had died. It was very unique because it started being a blackhole for a while but then towards the end, it finally exploded.

Blackhole phase: Everything the star touched, it sucked towards its unending revolution. Everything the star sucked stayed around it until it was satisfied. The star felt guilty that it was drawing everything towards it involuntarily. It felt like the star had no choice but to feed off of everything around it. It fed off of everyone’s life, light, and happiness. I guess this was the star’s way of surviving death because a blackhole, you see, is not really a dead star. It’s dying. And no one knows when the blackhole will stop pulling everything towards it or if it ever will.

Explosion phase: Then something happened that made the star stop imbibing everything that had life. It finally got satisfied and exploded. It exploded hard and loud. It was strange because the star that was supposed to be dying, never felt more alive as it was exploding. Another unexpected thing that happened was the explosion did not hurt anything around it because there was no one, nothing. The star had already sucked everything. There was nothing to lose. The star, finally contented, had died.

Death phase: After the big explosion, everything was quiet. The star did not have the energy to shine and twinkle as before. It did not have life. At long last, the star’s life has ended.

Somehow, this made me sad. It made me sad because it was the end. It sucked and obliterated everything around it and in the end, it died. Finished. Now the star that once shone and twinkled for everyone is just a Thing in space. It has no contribution whatsoever to anyone or anything. A Thing that cannot do anything. A Thing that only 2 people on Earth will recognize as Something that was once amazing. Once was beautiful. But now dead.

The Ultimate Game and the Zombie Apocalypse

After learning all the rules, I have become a good [enough] player in this game. A game that we play everyday. Sometimes, I play as white and you black. That means I move first, then you, then me again, and so on. From time to time, some snakes appear then I slip down. At times, ladders appear and you climb towards me then move three spaces forward. After that, you draw the reverse card, and suddenly it's not my turn anymore. I have to wait. Wait for everybody else to take his/her turn before participating again. Then unexpectedly, you're in jail and I have to pay or draw a card from the deck to bail you out.

I have mastered all the rules in this game we play everyday. I've gotten real good at it. I like playing it and I know you do, too. No matter how complicated the rules are, we like to play. I know we both like to play.

But there are times that I fail to keep up. That I fail to jump high enough to reach that flag. That I'm outside the game and you have already saved the princess. All along I thought I was the princess. Your princess.

And here's the real deal.

Just so you know, I'm not ok. It may seem I am, but I'm not. I'm a big fan of faking it until you make it. Hopefully, I'm convincing. I think I am.

I hope you understand why I did what I did. I'm trusting your judgment and assumptions on this. I hope you trust them too. I'm sorry for having this particular sickness. Sickness of hating being misunderstood but hating (or not knowing how) to explain myself. I hate not being articulate. I hate hating EVERYTHING.

I hope you get the exact time/moment I did what I did. Yes, it's confusing, but I left clues. I left breadcrumbs for you to follow. I know it's stupid. I should've just told you everything, but I, myself didn't understand it. Or maybe didn't believe it. Didn't WANT TO believe it. I'm confident that you get everything. You're just afraid to confront me. I wish you'd get mad at me. But I know, even that, I don't deserve.

I'm sorry but I can't play this game anymore. I've been addicted and I really think the logical thing to do is to turn the game off. Is it? I wish you can answer. But again, I don't deserve it, I know. And I'm really sorry.

I hate that the airs that were once alive are now dead. I hate that I'M dead. I walk every single day a zombie convincing everyone that I'm human. Sometimes, it's easy. I slap a smile on my face and a loud laugh to hide the sorrow in my eyes. Sometimes, it's hard. It's hardest when I'm alone. Because then, I don't feel the need to perform in front of an "audience". Then, all that shit I smack on my face disappear. That's when I become a zombie again. That's when it's hard to sleep at night.

It may not make any sense, but I know in time I will become human again. But right now, I have to fake it. Every morning, I have to dress up as a human and cover up all this zombie goo. I hope when I'm a real human being, you'll still recognize me. I will be able to explain everything then. I hope you'll be there to listen. Please don't forget me. Please wait for me.

Morning Rituals and Keeping Up with the Awesomeness

Alarm goes off at 4 in the morning. I hit snooze. I hit snooze 348756 times until it's 5:20am. I stand up. Finally.

I go to the bathroom. I bring my iPad and phone. I check my messages. I read. I think. I make most of my life's decisions in my bathroom. I finally take a bath. All this takes about 45 minutes to an hour.

I dress up. Oh, the dressing up. I seem to always love matching pink and green, green and brown, and blue and green. I either end up looking like a watermerlon or Mother Earth. I comb my hair and hastily grab all my stuff since I'm probably already running late because I couldn't decide which fruit I will dress up as that day. One quick glance around my room checking if I've forgotten anything, then I'm off.

I go to my parents' room to say goodbye. They're all still sleeping so I just sneak in to kiss my parents goodbye. My sister's stuck in the middle of my parents with her mouth wide open so I leave her alone.

I go down and eat breakfast. 10 minutes tops, then I'm off to my daily commute.

Tricycle. As the wind blows on my face, I put day cream on it. Sun block because... climate change.

Shuttle/FX. Oh the FX and its infinitely limited space. Once I reach the place where I take a jeep to the MRT, I check if my legs are still connected to my body. If they are, I continue.

Jeep. EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE.

MRT. The stairs. The stairs are my morning enemy. Even if I DETEST how the MRT is being run by whoever, I actually love this part of my morning. Once I'm in the train, I put my earphones on, press Shuffle in my iPod, and finally I'm in a bubble for 30 minutes.

Bubble time. Oh, how I maximize those 30 minutes I have "all to myself." I put my earphones on and suddenly I'm bestfriends with Beyonce, Hayley Williams, Adele, Ingrid Michaelson, Armi Millare, Sara Bareilles and Regina Spektor. I suddenly have a concert and the #HumansofEDSA are my audience. Even The Script, Jason Mraz, Coldplay, The Smiths, Ed Sheeran, and Two Door Cinema Club attend my concert. It's AWESOME. Everyday, they attend. Everyday, IT'S AWESOME.

Today was different. Today, my earphones broke. My earphones broke and I didn't have my Bubble Time. My Bubble Time that I always look forward to every weekday morning. My 30 minutes "all to myself." No Beyonce...

Have you put Mentos in a newly opened Coca-Cola bottle? Have you watched an eruption of any volcano? Have you ever blacked out in a plane due to intense anxiety/anger because a baby is crying on top of his/her lungs? Or have you blacked out in general? All these happened to me at the same time in 3 seconds.

But after that, my perky/always positive thinking/taking control/won't-let-anything-ruin-my-day/I-can-always-turn-shit-around self kicked in. And I sang. Not out loud. Not out loud, but with conviction. I damn well sang my Beyonce and bobbed my head along with the bobbing of the train. I sang. I sang my frickin' heart out.

I sang my frickin' heart out because sometimes, when life breaks your earphones, you just gotta close your eyes, own the stage, and sing acapella to the #HumansofEDSA.

After all, they came all the way from wherever, sweating under the heat of the sun just to see you.

To-do list:
- Make life buy you new earphones!

Not so Quarter-Life Crisis

Lately, I've been having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. I've been keeping it on the DL though because I don't really have the luxury of time to actually ponder on these two things that bother me.

First, the ever-pressuring topic of Le Career. See, I graduated last October 2011. That's three years ago. Three LONG years ago. When our dean was handing me that diploma that I worked my ass off for, I believed that I would be someone somewhere I would be successful in in the future. Yes, my dreams were that vague. Maybe that's why the universe got confused and wouldn't prioritize me until I actually knew exactly what I wanted. Fast forward three years from that moment when it was honestly my first time meeting our dean, I still don't know what I want. Good thing I realized that there is no pressure in knowing what you want out of life.

Some people are lucky that since birth, their parents have inception-ed them to be whatever it is that they want to be. They had direction. And there are those people who had something amazing/traumatic happen in their lives that shaped what they wanted when they grew up. But me, everything was smooth sailing until I graduated from school. Suddenly, I was thrown into the ocean with the ability to float, but not the ability to swim. But I'm happy that through God's guidance I have learned how to swim even if I still don't know where I'm going. I'm gonna keep getting good at swimming so that when I find my path, I'm gonna swim the hell towards it. And I bet you that I will be the universe's priority then.

Second quarter-life crisis issue is having someone to share all these unknowns with. Having someone to give my love to. Who actually deserves it. I got this huge ball of feelings that are spilling out of me which I'm rapidly giving to just about whoever seems to want them. And I have come to know that this is just wrong.

I have learned that in order for you to love someone, to truly love someone, you must have self-worth. Self-worth is like being awake from all the naiveness that love may bring. Self-worth is being conscious. Hence, love in its truest form must be the synchronization of both your heart and mind. Raw love is the devil. We tend to worship it and the grand gestures/martyrdom it comes with. We fall in love with the idea of being in love. But being in love, I have learned, is for those people who are whole, not seeking for completeness, who have self-worth, and who can be with anyone anywhere in the world, but they choose to stay with each other. Maybe that's why it's called being IN love because you're either in it or you're out. It's your choice.

But who knows? In every phase of someone's life, love's definition may change. For now, this definition is what I can accept.

I think self-worth is directly proportional to time. In time, life will be able to introduce you to yourself then that's the only moment when you'll be able to truly love someone. When you can have someone that will spend his/her life with you with content and comfort. When you can both be journeying together conquering the world.

Then again, let's stop defining love and just do it. Make it.

The Dance

I dance but I don't know how.
I step my left foot then my right,
Move my hips then my hands.
That familiar tune I always dance to.
On my own with my eyes closed,
I dance.

You joined me in my trance.
Closed eyes, I didn't notice.
When I opened them, there you were,
Dancing in front of me.

You held out your hand.
I stared at it, confused.
I took it.
My hand fit it in yours perfectly.
We became one.
Oh, what harmony!

We danced and we danced.
You showed me some moves.
I tried some, some I couldn't do.
I didn't wanna stop dancing.
I forgot the feeling,
The feeling of dancing by myself.

One day,
You changed the tune.
Then she came.
She joined us.
You gave your other hand to her.
Oh, she's beautiful.
She's beautiful when she dances.
The grace, the flow, the beauty!

Your hand still in mine.
Her hand in yours.
Then we would all dance.
We would dance to your tune.

You would look into my eyes,
And everything would make sense.
Then you would look into hers,
I would get lost in the rhythm.

There'd be times I'd get dizzy,
But you would hold on to me.
You would hold on to me tight.
It feels like you will never let go.
So I don't.
Oh, the ecstasy!

Sometimes, it would get crowded.
Crowded where we used to dance,
Dance, just the two of us.
Oh, how I want to just dance with you,
Holding both of my hands,
Instead of just one.

Sometimes, I just wanna change the tune,
Or turn it off all together,
But I love the way you hold my hand,
Tight as we dance.
And the way you smile,
When you watch her dance.

One day, I will learn,
How to dance just like her.
But before that, I have to let go.
Let go of your hand,
That is tight around mine.

I hope when I come back,
You'd be standing by the jukebox,
Alone, waiting for me.
Waiting for me to have our first last dance.

Old ID, elevator, vendo machine, and magnets

Yesterday, I went to my previous work's office. Upon entering the building, I felt some kind of familiarity. A sense of belongingness. A routine. I quickly showed my [old] work ID so I would be permitted to go inside. Then I was off to the elevator without letting the guards check my bag. (Got used to just going inside buildings due to the nature of my [previous] work.) I was a bit nervous. The only reason why I was going back there was because I had to sign necessary papers to make my leaving the company official.

Elevator doors opened to the floor of the office and I tiptoed on the way. I immediately saw one of the people from the administration team, and suddenly my heart jumped. Mixed feelings started flowing thru my body. I thought to myself why I was feeling THAT nervous. I left on a good note (I think... I thought.) so I had to relax. I opened the door and she just called my name right away, surprised to see me. I said hi and she gave me the papers to sign.

One by one, I saw the people that I used to come across with every single day for the past one year and a half not even knowing some of their names. Those people I knew, I was reluctant to give hugs to. I didn't know if I was allowed to. But those who I became close with, I couldn't help giving them tight ones. I looked around and it felt a bit like home, but I didn't belong there anymore. It felt like I was just an alumna visiting my alma mater.

I'd be forever grateful once belonging to this company. I DEFINITELY wouldn't be who I am today if I took the other job that was offered to me almost two years ago. Working in this company ruined my perspective with other companies out there. I feel like I have to compare the "others" to the standards of this company. Yes, there were enormous challenges, but once you get (which took me three months to do so) what the business was all about, you'd be willing to overcome them with no problems and complaints.

I stayed in the lobby for a while before leaving. I wanted to soak all the air in for the last time. I'll DEFINITELY miss the office, the chaos in the training area, the people, the big boss, and the frickin' vendo machine! My one-and-a-half-year stay in this company topped my twelve-year schooling when it comes to important skills to learn in life. Every single day, I felt my brain being fed more and more knowledge and wisdom. And apparently, along the way, it sort of got full that I wanted to see if there were things outside this company that may broaden my views in life even more. I got addicted to being curious. To maximizing opportunities. That was the main reason why I left.

Moving forward, I walk with my head up high carrying with me all the skills that I have developed to do even greater things. Again, I will be forever grateful to this company. It gave me confidence to follow my dreams. That if you want something SO bad, reaching for it is not enough. You have to jump and risk falling face down. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do now.

-----

Last week, an old friend texted for a meet-up with our old barkada (some of us, anyway). Unfortunately, we couldn't all make it due to the short notice. We ended up having it scheduled for last night instead.

Meeting up with the people you spent junior and senior proms with, 18th birthdays with, hours and hours on the phone with, heartbreaks with, laughing out loud with, time fighting with, and half of your life drinking with is just pure bliss. Suddenly, those things that bothered all of you about each other started appearing one by one and instead of being annoyed, you just laughed it off because you have limited time together. You just wanna enjoy every second of it.

Even if we only see each other once every six months maybe, we immediately jive. No awkward silences whatsoever. No need to be careful with harsh words. No need to walk on eggshells. Once we're all together, immediately, we go back to those moments in the cadlum area (canteen) just talking non-stop about anything under the sun. Anything that we're really passionate about. That's what I love about our barkada. Even if there are some misunderstandings or problems between us, we manage to go back to that moment wherein we just didn't care about the people around us and just did whatever it was that felt right at that certain moment.

It seems like we have built-in magnets inside us that somehow will eventually bring us all together again and again. And when we're all far away from each other, we have that distant longing between us. That longing to be together even if we belong in different poles. That longing that even if we don't feel, will only take one magnet to bring all (some) of us together. Again and again. Same place (anywhere), same time (anytime).