I saw you a while ago. Right now I see your name with a green dot beside it.
I can't believe that until now you still make me nervous. You're like a ghost that I'm beginning to get used to. I don't wanna get used to that. I don't wanna get used to you floating around my head everytime.
You're like an open wound on my knee or elbow. The kind that's really hard to heal because it's at a place that's always moving and bending. The wound keeps re-opening and re-opening until it leaves a scar. A scar that will be there as long as you live.
There's a constant battle in my head. I'm beginning to get used to that as well. Constant bickering inside my head always before I sleep. I listen to the argument to justify what happened. I make myself believe that it was the right thing. And that's the only time I'm able to fall asleep.
Pride is such a pain. It's stupid and I wish it never existed. Like ghosts, open wounds, and voices in my head.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Monday, August 31, 2015
Morning/Night Pages 082015
In the middle of August, I read something online about this thing called "Morning Pages". The rule is to write 3 pages every morning about anything under the sun. It doesn't have to be good. You don't even have to read it. Its goal is to eliminate what's blocking your creativity. What's blocking what you actually want to write. It gets rid of your word vomit so creativity can come out and slap itself on paper.
I started in the middle of August. Since it's now the 31st, I decided to read my word vomits for the latter half of August. I wasn't writing every single day (and I usually write every night) so I only had 16 pages to read.
I noticed that in between all the mess (word vomit), there were parts that really made a lot of sense. There were parts that rose above all the shit. There were parts that really hit home.
08-11:
My shit didn't seem as shitty as their shit. My shit didn't even seem like legit shit.
The person causing the problem, I thought, was also the cure for how horrible I was feeling.
08-12:
...That day felt like his day. It was like he was controlling the course of my day.
I woke up the next day feeling all fucked up. Fucked up but wanting to continue the dream still because sometimes, I'd rather endure hell knowing that he'll be there with me.
08-13:
I always think about him whenever my world stops. Whenever I do the most boring and empty things in my life.
And it kinda slapped me in the face because while I'm forgetting about him, he's also forgetting about me.
And whenever you're breaking a person's heart, I've learned, you have to be cruel.
08-14:
I think at the end of the day, you just gotta love what you decide to do for the rest of your life.
08-15:
There's this birthday card that had resurfaced my desk because Tita Evelyn cleaned it... I actually don't know why I didn't send it... For some reason, I just didn't feel like it.
08-17:
...when your heart breaks, it also breaks your self-worth. It brings you down and crushes your confidence.
08-19:
I was just afraid he'd message me or something. We're doing too well for either of us to contact the other. Glad he didn't. Kinda...
08-31:
I hate surprises. I hate him just popping without notice.
When will the pain stop?! When will time kick in and start doing its job?
Whatever happened between us already makes sense to him. He already learned something from what happened. I'm still working on my lesson to learn from all this shit.
I'm now looking forward to making this a habit this September. Things that come out of these Morning/Night Pages are very interesting. By writing and reading them, I'm getting to know myself bit by bit. It's a start in piecing my self-worth back together. It's a start towards loving myself again.
And I promise I will have different topics to write about this time.
I started in the middle of August. Since it's now the 31st, I decided to read my word vomits for the latter half of August. I wasn't writing every single day (and I usually write every night) so I only had 16 pages to read.
I noticed that in between all the mess (word vomit), there were parts that really made a lot of sense. There were parts that rose above all the shit. There were parts that really hit home.
08-11:
My shit didn't seem as shitty as their shit. My shit didn't even seem like legit shit.
The person causing the problem, I thought, was also the cure for how horrible I was feeling.
08-12:
...That day felt like his day. It was like he was controlling the course of my day.
I woke up the next day feeling all fucked up. Fucked up but wanting to continue the dream still because sometimes, I'd rather endure hell knowing that he'll be there with me.
08-13:
I always think about him whenever my world stops. Whenever I do the most boring and empty things in my life.
And it kinda slapped me in the face because while I'm forgetting about him, he's also forgetting about me.
And whenever you're breaking a person's heart, I've learned, you have to be cruel.
08-14:
I think at the end of the day, you just gotta love what you decide to do for the rest of your life.
08-15:
There's this birthday card that had resurfaced my desk because Tita Evelyn cleaned it... I actually don't know why I didn't send it... For some reason, I just didn't feel like it.
08-17:
...when your heart breaks, it also breaks your self-worth. It brings you down and crushes your confidence.
08-19:
I was just afraid he'd message me or something. We're doing too well for either of us to contact the other. Glad he didn't. Kinda...
08-31:
I hate surprises. I hate him just popping without notice.
When will the pain stop?! When will time kick in and start doing its job?
Whatever happened between us already makes sense to him. He already learned something from what happened. I'm still working on my lesson to learn from all this shit.
I'm now looking forward to making this a habit this September. Things that come out of these Morning/Night Pages are very interesting. By writing and reading them, I'm getting to know myself bit by bit. It's a start in piecing my self-worth back together. It's a start towards loving myself again.
And I promise I will have different topics to write about this time.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
An Introvert's Journey to Adrenaline and Alcohol
"To the future..." started the toasts while immediately following up with, "but still thinking of the now!" *clink* "CHEERS!"
We have conquered Enchanted Kingdom (the happiest place in Laguna) today. A few of my quarter-year old highschool friends and I frickin' crushed Enchanted Kingdom! Who's #TitaOfManila now?! It was my first time riding Anchor's Away and I surprisingly liked it. After that, I didn't mind being the Official Bag Carrier of the group (because really, Space Shuttle? N-O_W-A-Y). Frickin' Anchor's Away, dude! I can do anything!
Before the trip, however, I was having mini-palpitations (being the abnormally anti-human/acute introverted person I have become lately) because I was gonna hang out with old friends I wasn't hanging out with for a long time. "What are the social norms involved? What exactly is the threshold of making 'too many' jokes? Does it even exist because what can go wrong with 'too many' jokes? Will they get annoyed and find out that that is how I calm myself and hide my anxieties? What is the appropriate distance between each other when taking pictures... unit of measure = inches?" These thoughts were running rapidly in my mind since yesterday and these exact thoughts were the ones that woke me up before the sun even rose this morning.
During the trip, after inducing a lot of caffeine, my normal-person self kicked in and I was on auto-pilot. I was still myself. But those insane thoughts going around my head got shut off.
Caffeine = 1, Acute Introversion = 0
I started having fun. Actually, have fun. Which was new since I've been feeling crappy lately. The most surprising thing was I was doing it amidst all these humans. These people. My friends. My close friends. My bestfriends. It was a weird feeling. Familiar, but weird.
Since it's a Sunday and everyone had shit to do tomorrow, we had to leave at 5pm. (This is a lie. We left early 'cause WE WERE TIRED. DO NOT JUDGE OUR AGEING BODIES!) It took just one of us to say, "Tara, isang pitcher lang tapos uwi na agad." to throw those shit to-dos in the trash.
Adrenaline took its toll on all of our ageing bodies, but none of us could resist the evil that alcohol brings in all of us. EQs were let loose and tensions were piled on the table like there's no tomorrow. Suddenly, "hugot" became an understatement. "Hukay," "Dukot," "Labas," "Hukot" (which is not a word) and even "Bet!" and "Floor Wax" had whole new meanings. Prides were exposed and confrontations happened. It was gonna be a crazy night and I was relieved that my EQ was still intact and my anxieties are already fast asleep.
Amidst all the tension, we also talked about real-world stuff like how to start a business, benefits of networking, not pressuring yourself to be your other quarter-year old friends who are more successful, etc. It was interesting to see how all of our outlooks changed compared to when we were still in highschool. It's funny how we have all grown up and still have a lot of unanswered questions in life. When I was in highschool, I imagined myself now to have it all figured out. I imagined that my life would be smooth and perfect without exerting an ounce of effort. But life is a joker. It fools you to think that you know everything, but then it suddenly changes the game and you're lost again. The hard part is... you still have to continue playing.
I'm not sure where I wrote it, but I still believe that all of us, my close friends and I, have magnets inside us. No matter what happens, no matter how many tensions, prides, egos, or just flat out shit are piled up on the table, we will still be pulled towards each other. That is just how it's going to be. We may drift apart due to time or distance, but at the end of it all we will always be drawn towards each other.
So friends, we have no choice. We're all in this together. Always.
PS: LIVE FOR THE JOURNEY! *wink*
Friday, January 2, 2015
New Year Goggles and Goals
Before I make crazy promises and impossible resolutions while wearing my New Year goggles, I wanna give the spotlight to 2014 first. Since my brain and sight have been compromised because of these damn goggles, I have squeezed what I learned in 365 days in just 5 categories. And here they are:
MONEY
I'm awesome when it comes to not spending a lot of money. I love budgeting and saving. (I have an Excel file to prove it if you don't believe me.) BUT, 2014 taught me that I'm not really THAT awesome.
Now that I have a stable income, one would think that I'll be able to save a whole lot with me bragging about my budgeting talents. But no! There aren't enough Forever 21s, Payless shoe stores, Starbucks, and Chinese restaurants out there to fulfill my desires.
2014 made me realize that having money means having more choices/opportunities. Having less of these, limits how you live your life. This is why I work my ass off because I love having a wide selection of things I can spend my money on. Whoever said "Money doesn't give you happiness," probably didn't have much to figure out how to use it properly.
I also love the fact that in 2014, I was able to help my parents with expenses at home. I believe this is my greatest achievement in 2014. Whenever I see the look on my mom's face when I give her my contribution for the house, it makes all the hardwork worth it. It feels really good to be the one helping them out this time. I'm not the breadwinner or anything, but it just feels good to have a major role/responsibility in our home. It makes me feel... included.
Money will enable your future self to live comfortably. (Given, of course, that you live a little uncomfortably now.) "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?" "Because it feels so good when I stop."
CAREER
January 2014, I quit my first job ever. I was given an amazing opportunity to see my future in that company and unfortunately, I didn't like it. It sucked that I didn't because I was having so much fun. Fun doesn't equal fulfillment/success though.
After I quit, I immediately revamped my resume. The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted. Research? Marketing? Advertising? Media? Publishing? Wedding singing? It was overwhelming. Then I hear my parents offering me a position in our family business. That confused me even more. I stopped sending out resumes all together.
I asked the Universe for a sign. "Please please show me my successful self in the future so I can make the right decision NOW!" And lo and behold, the Universe gave me a call. A company was looking for a Sales Trainer, immediate hiring. I had no other leads so I went to the first interview. To cut the story short, February 2014, I became a Sales Trainer. March 2014, I received my first pay.
I'm no Jordan Belfort or anything, but trainer! Training! When I was young, I would always enjoy being a little know-it-all and tutor my classmates who are having trouble in school. I loved explaining Math using animals and food. I loved making the complicated simple. I loved imparting knowledge! But I never thought of it as a career though.
I'll be forever grateful to 2014 because it showed me my path. I love training. I love teaching. I love explaining complicated financial concepts/terms to my trainees and switch their light bulbs on. Oh how I love seeing their light bulbs turn on!
2014 taught me that there's absolutely no pressure in finding out what you wanna do in life. Time is your bestfriend. Maximize it. Just make sure you don't stop until you find that one thing you wanna wake up for for the rest of your life.
LOVE
2014 taught me a lot about TRUE love. How it's not unconditional and it should exist between a giver and a receiver. If the receiver doesn't want the love the giver gave, then it's not TRUE love. Which means, unrequited love is not TRUE love. (Doesn't make it not real though.) It's probably in the Selfish or Unconditional love category. I have no idea if this is TRUE love's real meaning, but this is what makes sense based on my experience.
This 2014, I gave what seemed to be some kind of mutant version of "true" love to someone. (Which obviously was not true love in the first place. It being in its mutant state and all.) It went well at first because it seemed like he felt the same way. See, there were 2 versions of him: the real tangible one and the imagined intangible one that only exists in my head. I'm talking about the latter, of course. When it dawned on me that he actually didn't feel the same way, I was forced to meet the real tangible version of him.
The problem was, I was still hung up with the idea of my mutant "true" love that I had no motivation to shake the real tangible him's hand and introduce myself. I shut down and became a blackhole. I have lived in my imagination long enough that it was hard to snap back to reality.
Thanks to my friends who slapped and dragged me back to life, I was finally able to introduce myself to the real him. And... It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad at all.
I made 2014 all about that damn blackhole. In 2015, I'm making it about the twinkly stars around me. And when I say twinkly stars, I mean my friends.
FRIENDS
"Falling is a chance you give you friends to catch you." As I said, in 2014, I was in a blackhole. I got pushed over the edge and fell. I closed my eyes as I was falling and I expected to hit the ground pretty hard. I was surprised when I suddenly stopped falling. I opened my eyes and saw my friends there, all lined up to cushion my fall.
Selfish-me always thought that I was just a dumpee for all my friends' problems. That when it was my turn to be the dumper, they wouldn't be patient enough to be there for me and listen. 2014 proved me wrong. I gave my friends a lot of shit and they were there to deal with them all. And I will seriously forever be grateful.
I'm guilty of sometimes taking my friends for granted. 2014 made me realize that my friends are an integral part of my life. I've learned that life isn't like Friends or How I Met Your Mother where you can have coffee or beer at 2 in the afternoon with your friends every single day. It doesn't matter if we don't see each other all the time. Distance is nothing when you are committed to someone.
My friends are my gossip girls, slaps in my face, emergency contact people, coffee buddies, random trip/sleepover buddies, sisters, 3-hour phone pals at 3am, ETC! And I'll be the same things for them in a heart beat.
SELF
2014 served as a transition year from my childish, immature self to my... NOT SO childish, immature self. Maybe it's 'cause I turned 25 this 2014. I experienced changes in my taste of movies, books, food, coffee, etc. I found myself drinking tea, eating pineapples, reading 1984 (by George frickin' Orwell!), and watching Annie Hall. I got to know myself better and I believe that's one step towards self-worth.
Having gone through all these changes, 2014 also made me realize that some things never change. Some awesome things about me can stay unchanged while I grow. Like wearing colorful clothes (pink and green! #watermelonfeels), drinking coffee at 11pm (drinking coffee any time of day actually), hating kids but secretly loving them, singing randomly whenever I feel like it, and faking it until I make it (which REALLY works by the way).
Another breakthrough this 2014 is I actually felt more comfortable with myself. And with that comfort came a small amount of confidence. I was confident enough to sing in front of people in a wedding for crying out loud! IN A WEDDING! (I've always wanted to be a wedding singer!) Having confidence is something new to me. It feels nice. I think I'm gonna have more of it in 2015.
2014 was all about first steps of knowing and loving myself. First steps to self-worth. 2015 will not be about steps. It will be about soaring.
Having realized and learned all these things in 2014, my #2015goals are as follows:
1. Have short and long term savings. Short term for travel, emergencies, SCUBA license! Long term for condo!
2. Be an awesome trainer and have more patience with trainees. Follow dreams of becoming a motivational speaker (TED talk levels!)! Inspire and influence people!
3. Don't wait for those damn flowers from someone! Get some seeds, plant some and wait. Or just buy them yourself!
4. Pour out excessive, overwhelming love to friends! Do stuff for them they actually need. Make making your friends happy your priority!
5. Love self more by eating healthy (more pineapples and teas), exercising (Ayala Triangle, baby!), wearing earrings and heels to work (more confidence in 2015!), and sharing singing talent with other humans (preferably in weddings)!
Have an awesome new year, everyone! Let's soar this 2015 and kick 2014's ass! :)
MONEY
I'm awesome when it comes to not spending a lot of money. I love budgeting and saving. (I have an Excel file to prove it if you don't believe me.) BUT, 2014 taught me that I'm not really THAT awesome.
Now that I have a stable income, one would think that I'll be able to save a whole lot with me bragging about my budgeting talents. But no! There aren't enough Forever 21s, Payless shoe stores, Starbucks, and Chinese restaurants out there to fulfill my desires.
2014 made me realize that having money means having more choices/opportunities. Having less of these, limits how you live your life. This is why I work my ass off because I love having a wide selection of things I can spend my money on. Whoever said "Money doesn't give you happiness," probably didn't have much to figure out how to use it properly.
I also love the fact that in 2014, I was able to help my parents with expenses at home. I believe this is my greatest achievement in 2014. Whenever I see the look on my mom's face when I give her my contribution for the house, it makes all the hardwork worth it. It feels really good to be the one helping them out this time. I'm not the breadwinner or anything, but it just feels good to have a major role/responsibility in our home. It makes me feel... included.
Money will enable your future self to live comfortably. (Given, of course, that you live a little uncomfortably now.) "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?" "Because it feels so good when I stop."
CAREER
January 2014, I quit my first job ever. I was given an amazing opportunity to see my future in that company and unfortunately, I didn't like it. It sucked that I didn't because I was having so much fun. Fun doesn't equal fulfillment/success though.
After I quit, I immediately revamped my resume. The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted. Research? Marketing? Advertising? Media? Publishing? Wedding singing? It was overwhelming. Then I hear my parents offering me a position in our family business. That confused me even more. I stopped sending out resumes all together.
I asked the Universe for a sign. "Please please show me my successful self in the future so I can make the right decision NOW!" And lo and behold, the Universe gave me a call. A company was looking for a Sales Trainer, immediate hiring. I had no other leads so I went to the first interview. To cut the story short, February 2014, I became a Sales Trainer. March 2014, I received my first pay.
I'm no Jordan Belfort or anything, but trainer! Training! When I was young, I would always enjoy being a little know-it-all and tutor my classmates who are having trouble in school. I loved explaining Math using animals and food. I loved making the complicated simple. I loved imparting knowledge! But I never thought of it as a career though.
I'll be forever grateful to 2014 because it showed me my path. I love training. I love teaching. I love explaining complicated financial concepts/terms to my trainees and switch their light bulbs on. Oh how I love seeing their light bulbs turn on!
2014 taught me that there's absolutely no pressure in finding out what you wanna do in life. Time is your bestfriend. Maximize it. Just make sure you don't stop until you find that one thing you wanna wake up for for the rest of your life.
LOVE
2014 taught me a lot about TRUE love. How it's not unconditional and it should exist between a giver and a receiver. If the receiver doesn't want the love the giver gave, then it's not TRUE love. Which means, unrequited love is not TRUE love. (Doesn't make it not real though.) It's probably in the Selfish or Unconditional love category. I have no idea if this is TRUE love's real meaning, but this is what makes sense based on my experience.
This 2014, I gave what seemed to be some kind of mutant version of "true" love to someone. (Which obviously was not true love in the first place. It being in its mutant state and all.) It went well at first because it seemed like he felt the same way. See, there were 2 versions of him: the real tangible one and the imagined intangible one that only exists in my head. I'm talking about the latter, of course. When it dawned on me that he actually didn't feel the same way, I was forced to meet the real tangible version of him.
The problem was, I was still hung up with the idea of my mutant "true" love that I had no motivation to shake the real tangible him's hand and introduce myself. I shut down and became a blackhole. I have lived in my imagination long enough that it was hard to snap back to reality.
Thanks to my friends who slapped and dragged me back to life, I was finally able to introduce myself to the real him. And... It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad at all.
I made 2014 all about that damn blackhole. In 2015, I'm making it about the twinkly stars around me. And when I say twinkly stars, I mean my friends.
FRIENDS
"Falling is a chance you give you friends to catch you." As I said, in 2014, I was in a blackhole. I got pushed over the edge and fell. I closed my eyes as I was falling and I expected to hit the ground pretty hard. I was surprised when I suddenly stopped falling. I opened my eyes and saw my friends there, all lined up to cushion my fall.
Selfish-me always thought that I was just a dumpee for all my friends' problems. That when it was my turn to be the dumper, they wouldn't be patient enough to be there for me and listen. 2014 proved me wrong. I gave my friends a lot of shit and they were there to deal with them all. And I will seriously forever be grateful.
I'm guilty of sometimes taking my friends for granted. 2014 made me realize that my friends are an integral part of my life. I've learned that life isn't like Friends or How I Met Your Mother where you can have coffee or beer at 2 in the afternoon with your friends every single day. It doesn't matter if we don't see each other all the time. Distance is nothing when you are committed to someone.
My friends are my gossip girls, slaps in my face, emergency contact people, coffee buddies, random trip/sleepover buddies, sisters, 3-hour phone pals at 3am, ETC! And I'll be the same things for them in a heart beat.
SELF
2014 served as a transition year from my childish, immature self to my... NOT SO childish, immature self. Maybe it's 'cause I turned 25 this 2014. I experienced changes in my taste of movies, books, food, coffee, etc. I found myself drinking tea, eating pineapples, reading 1984 (by George frickin' Orwell!), and watching Annie Hall. I got to know myself better and I believe that's one step towards self-worth.
Having gone through all these changes, 2014 also made me realize that some things never change. Some awesome things about me can stay unchanged while I grow. Like wearing colorful clothes (pink and green! #watermelonfeels), drinking coffee at 11pm (drinking coffee any time of day actually), hating kids but secretly loving them, singing randomly whenever I feel like it, and faking it until I make it (which REALLY works by the way).
Another breakthrough this 2014 is I actually felt more comfortable with myself. And with that comfort came a small amount of confidence. I was confident enough to sing in front of people in a wedding for crying out loud! IN A WEDDING! (I've always wanted to be a wedding singer!) Having confidence is something new to me. It feels nice. I think I'm gonna have more of it in 2015.
2014 was all about first steps of knowing and loving myself. First steps to self-worth. 2015 will not be about steps. It will be about soaring.
Having realized and learned all these things in 2014, my #2015goals are as follows:
1. Have short and long term savings. Short term for travel, emergencies, SCUBA license! Long term for condo!
2. Be an awesome trainer and have more patience with trainees. Follow dreams of becoming a motivational speaker (TED talk levels!)! Inspire and influence people!
3. Don't wait for those damn flowers from someone! Get some seeds, plant some and wait. Or just buy them yourself!
4. Pour out excessive, overwhelming love to friends! Do stuff for them they actually need. Make making your friends happy your priority!
5. Love self more by eating healthy (more pineapples and teas), exercising (Ayala Triangle, baby!), wearing earrings and heels to work (more confidence in 2015!), and sharing singing talent with other humans (preferably in weddings)!
Have an awesome new year, everyone! Let's soar this 2015 and kick 2014's ass! :)
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