Unspoken Words and Loud Thoughts

"You seem like a robot sometimes," someone recently told me. He could have added, "You're also rigid and unapproachable," but I told him I already knew what he meant.

It's the second time someone's called me a "robot". A robot who just does her job at work and nothing more. A robot who finds it difficult to make friends because she fears she might lose her authority. A robot who sometimes prefers to be feared than be liked.

I couldn't decide what to feel when I was called a "robot" for the second time. It seemed inaccurate and misunderstood. I think it's funny that at my first job, their major gripe about me is that I was too nice.

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I'm starting to get overwhelmed with the future. I feel it slowly come up to me while I consistently run away from it. I'm afraid that one day, without warning, it'll finally catch up to me. Ready to slap me in the face.

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One thing you probably should know about me is that I was raised to be extremely independent. "When someone offers you something, always politely say no even if you want it," my mom would tell me. This applied to candies, chocolates, food in general, assistance of any kind, etc. My mom is the kind of person who worked really hard on her own for what she has right now.

When I got a bit older, I realized that I was able to turn the independence my mom taught me into something else. I became a good actor. Even if I needed food, I always acted full. Even if I needed help, I always acted like I have it all in control. Even if someone was showing me care, I always acted like I didn't need it.

When I got a lot older, it turned into something else again. It turned into pride. I would exhaust all my efforts before asking for help. Just thinking of needing someone or something else, made me feel weak. I turned into someone who couldn't see the difference between sympathy and love so when one of them is given to me, I'm not able to decipher which is which.

One of my best friends told me that the reason why I didn't have "someone" is because I didn't need one. Or at least it seems like I didn't need one. "People like to be needed sometimes. It makes them feel good about themselves," he said.

So the next time you offer me coffee, beer, or assistance of any kind, I will turn my brain off, take a deep breath, smile, and just say, "Yes, please. Thank you."

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I have a very good imagination. That's why I prefer books rather than movies. I think that's also why I prefer you far away than with me here.

I've conjured up a picture of you in my head. I'm scared that if I see you everyday, I'll find out that the picture doesn't resemble you at all.

Oh, but the thought of having you with me everyday puts a huge smile on my face.

A Peek of the Future Last Friday...

Last Friday, I finally got my diploma! After putting off claiming it for the past 4 years, I finally got it!

YEAH!

Two weeks ago I decided to go to graduate school. I wanna study Behavioral Economics or Social/Cognitive Psychology. Finally claiming my diploma legitimized my intent to go back to school. I've been in the zone reading books, articles, research papers, etc. to prepare my rusty brain. I CANNOT WAIT.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm really scared to go back to school. But it feels like I'm making the right decision because I'm experiencing calm anxiety. That means it's really important to me or that I really want it, and I'm ready. Finally having my diploma in my hands gave me nice and soothing palpitations.

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Last Friday, I got invited to watch a movie with friends. Only it wasn’t just “watching a movie” I was invited to. I would also be watching 2 of my closest friends get engaged!

#AnnaSaidYes

Uhh, it was so awesome! It was nice seeing highschool friends and witnessing the proposal together. It brought back all the memories and how they all make sense now.

Apart from the proposal, the most important thing that happened that night, for me, was being reunited with one of my best friends in highschool. When you have a peek of the future, you let go of what’s unnecessary and hold on to what’s important. That’s exactly what happened. I finally let go of the pride and the shit that comes with it, and held on to the friendship and the person. I’m so excited now to experience a better future together!

Congratulations, Anna and Chris!!!

While wiping off my tears after the proposal, I couldn’t help but think, “Kailangan payat na ako sa wedding!”

Cheers to the future! :)

Hangovers and Makulay na Daster

Things that happen after reading a Murakami or Kundera book, watching a Pixar film that poses as "for kids", or going to a gig of your childhood-favorite band... while drinking cocktails and 3 bottles of beer.

"Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay."

Ebe Dancel had a small gig in 12 Monkeys. He promised to play all Sugarfree songs. SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE.

The last time I watched Sugarfree play was the night they disbanded. And as if the sky knew what was happening, it rained pretty hard. I remember it clearly because while I was soaking wet jumping up and down, I stepped on shards of broken beer bottles. With my bleeding foot, I continued to sing along because... SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE.

I can't remember watching my first ever Sugarfree gig. I do remember following them around with my bestfriend when I was in highschool. We used to make Ebe, Jal, Mitch/Kaka sign our [very cool] phone cases...

because we honestly didn't have enough money to buy their actual album and have them sign it.

I remember how their songs spoke to me when I was going through things (a.k.a. puberty). I remember listening to all of them thinking, "P*cha, ako ba kausap mo? Sapul eh."

(FUN FACT: My favorite song is Cuida.)

And that's why I didn't care that I stood for 3 hours at 12 Monkeys that night. I didn't care that I was singing out loud while people on their prestigious tables were staring. "Kung pag-aari ko lang ang lumbay, itatago ko siya habang buhay." I mean... SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE!

And then I received a text from my sister...

At around Ebe's 5th song, I found out my grandmother (on my dad's side) passed away. She was gonna be 91 years old yesterday.

I immediately thought of my dad. Mama had been sick for months. She's in the States. Last February, my auntie asked my dad to visit them there. "Para makita mo naman one last time," she said. My dad went there alone to check up on her. He stayed at the hospital with her for a week. The last thing he said was, "Ma, aalis na ako bukas ah. I love you," then kissed her on the forehead.

Goodbyes are very important no matter how difficult they are to say.

My auntie called the other night. She's the one arranging everything for the wake. She was telling my dad that she had no idea where to put all of Mama's stuff. She had a lot of clothes that no one wanted. I remember seeing her in her colorful dasters all the time. Her pajamas and church clothes are the best because they had to match. They had to be made using the same fabric. It was so funny and adorable.

Makulay na dasters and terno clothes. That's how I'll always remember how awesome she was.

Rest in peace, Mama. Have fun with Ang Kong!

(So please forgive me if I turned down any lunch/dinner invite. It's a bed/blanket-burrito weekend for me I'm afraid.)

An Introvert's Journey to Adrenaline and Alcohol

"To the future..." started the toasts while immediately following up with, "but still thinking of the now!" *clink* "CHEERS!"

We have conquered Enchanted Kingdom (the happiest place in Laguna) today. A few of my quarter-year old highschool friends and I frickin' crushed Enchanted Kingdom! Who's #TitaOfManila now?! It was my first time riding Anchor's Away and I surprisingly liked it. After that, I didn't mind being the Official Bag Carrier of the group (because really, Space Shuttle? N-O_W-A-Y). Frickin' Anchor's Away, dude! I can do anything!

Before the trip, however, I was having mini-palpitations (being the abnormally anti-human/acute introverted person I have become lately) because I was gonna hang out with old friends I wasn't hanging out with for a long time. "What are the social norms involved? What exactly is the threshold of making 'too many' jokes? Does it even exist because what can go wrong with 'too many' jokes? Will they get annoyed and find out that that is how I calm myself and hide my anxieties? What is the appropriate distance between each other when taking pictures... unit of measure = inches?" These thoughts were running rapidly in my mind since yesterday and these exact thoughts were the ones that woke me up before the sun even rose this morning.

During the trip, after inducing a lot of caffeine, my normal-person self kicked in and I was on auto-pilot. I was still myself. But those insane thoughts going around my head got shut off.

Caffeine = 1, Acute Introversion = 0

I started having fun. Actually, have fun. Which was new since I've been feeling crappy lately. The most surprising thing was I was doing it amidst all these humans. These people. My friends. My close friends. My bestfriends. It was a weird feeling. Familiar, but weird.

Since it's a Sunday and everyone had shit to do tomorrow, we had to leave at 5pm. (This is a lie. We left early 'cause WE WERE TIRED. DO NOT JUDGE OUR AGEING BODIES!) It took just one of us to say, "Tara, isang pitcher lang tapos uwi na agad." to throw those shit to-dos in the trash.

Adrenaline took its toll on all of our ageing bodies, but none of us could resist the evil that alcohol brings in all of us. EQs were let loose and tensions were piled on the table like there's no tomorrow. Suddenly, "hugot" became an understatement. "Hukay," "Dukot," "Labas," "Hukot" (which is not a word) and even "Bet!" and "Floor Wax" had whole new meanings. Prides were exposed and confrontations happened. It was gonna be a crazy night and I was relieved that my EQ was still intact and my anxieties are already fast asleep.

Amidst all the tension, we also talked about real-world stuff like how to start a business, benefits of networking, not pressuring yourself to be your other quarter-year old friends who are more successful, etc. It was interesting to see how all of our outlooks changed compared to when we were still in highschool. It's funny how we have all grown up and still have a lot of unanswered questions in life. When I was in highschool, I imagined myself now to have it all figured out. I imagined that my life would be smooth and perfect without exerting an ounce of effort. But life is a joker. It fools you to think that you know everything, but then it suddenly changes the game and you're lost again. The hard part is... you still have to continue playing.

I'm not sure where I wrote it, but I still believe that all of us, my close friends and I, have magnets inside us. No matter what happens, no matter how many tensions, prides, egos, or just flat out shit are piled up on the table, we will still be pulled towards each other. That is just how it's going to be. We may drift apart due to time or distance, but at the end of it all we will always be drawn towards each other.

So friends, we have no choice. We're all in this together. Always.

PS: LIVE FOR THE JOURNEY! *wink*

New Year Goggles and Goals

Before I make crazy promises and impossible resolutions while wearing my New Year goggles, I wanna give the spotlight to 2014 first. Since my brain and sight have been compromised because of these damn goggles, I have squeezed what I learned in 365 days in just 5 categories. And here they are:

MONEY

I'm awesome when it comes to not spending a lot of money. I love budgeting and saving. (I have an Excel file to prove it if you don't believe me.) BUT, 2014 taught me that I'm not really THAT awesome.

Now that I have a stable income, one would think that I'll be able to save a whole lot with me bragging about my budgeting talents. But no! There aren't enough Forever 21s, Payless shoe stores, Starbucks, and Chinese restaurants out there to fulfill my desires.

2014 made me realize that having money means having more choices/opportunities. Having less of these, limits how you live your life. This is why I work my ass off because I love having a wide selection of things I can spend my money on. Whoever said "Money doesn't give you happiness," probably didn't have much to figure out how to use it properly.

I also love the fact that in 2014, I was able to help my parents with expenses at home. I believe this is my greatest achievement in 2014. Whenever I see the look on my mom's face when I give her my contribution for the house, it makes all the hardwork worth it. It feels really good to be the one helping them out this time. I'm not the breadwinner or anything, but it just feels good to have a major role/responsibility in our home. It makes me feel... included.

Money will enable your future self to live comfortably. (Given, of course, that you live a little uncomfortably now.) "Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?" "Because it feels so good when I stop."

CAREER

January 2014, I quit my first job ever. I was given an amazing opportunity to see my future in that company and unfortunately, I didn't like it. It sucked that I didn't because I was having so much fun. Fun doesn't equal fulfillment/success though.

After I quit, I immediately revamped my resume. The problem was, I didn't know what I wanted. Research? Marketing? Advertising? Media? Publishing? Wedding singing? It was overwhelming. Then I hear my parents offering me a position in our family business. That confused me even more. I stopped sending out resumes all together.

I asked the Universe for a sign. "Please please show me my successful self in the future so I can make the right decision NOW!" And lo and behold, the Universe gave me a call. A company was looking for a Sales Trainer, immediate hiring. I had no other leads so I went to the first interview. To cut the story short, February 2014, I became a Sales Trainer. March 2014, I received my first pay.

I'm no Jordan Belfort or anything, but trainer! Training! When I was young, I would always enjoy being a little know-it-all and tutor my classmates who are having trouble in school. I loved explaining Math using animals and food. I loved making the complicated simple. I loved imparting knowledge! But I never thought of it as a career though.

I'll be forever grateful to 2014 because it showed me my path. I love training. I love teaching. I love explaining complicated financial concepts/terms to my trainees and switch their light bulbs on. Oh how I love seeing their light bulbs turn on!

2014 taught me that there's absolutely no pressure in finding out what you wanna do in life. Time is your bestfriend. Maximize it. Just make sure you don't stop until you find that one thing you wanna wake up for for the rest of your life.

LOVE

2014 taught me a lot about TRUE love. How it's not unconditional and it should exist between a giver and a receiver. If the receiver doesn't want the love the giver gave, then it's not TRUE love. Which means, unrequited love is not TRUE love. (Doesn't make it not real though.) It's probably in the Selfish or Unconditional love category. I have no idea if this is TRUE love's real meaning, but this is what makes sense based on my experience.

This 2014, I gave what seemed to be some kind of mutant version of "true" love to someone. (Which obviously was not true love in the first place. It being in its mutant state and all.) It went well at first because it seemed like he felt the same way. See, there were 2 versions of him: the real tangible one and the imagined intangible one that only exists in my head. I'm talking about the latter, of course. When it dawned on me that he actually didn't feel the same way, I was forced to meet the real tangible version of him.

The problem was, I was still hung up with the idea of my mutant "true" love that I had no motivation to shake the real tangible him's hand and introduce myself. I shut down and became a blackhole. I have lived in my imagination long enough that it was hard to snap back to reality.

Thanks to my friends who slapped and dragged me back to life, I was finally able to introduce myself to the real him. And... It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad at all.

I made 2014 all about that damn blackhole. In 2015, I'm making it about the twinkly stars around me. And when I say twinkly stars, I mean my friends.

FRIENDS

"Falling is a chance you give you friends to catch you." As I said, in 2014, I was in a blackhole. I got pushed over the edge and fell. I closed my eyes as I was falling and I expected to hit the ground pretty hard. I was surprised when I suddenly stopped falling. I opened my eyes and saw my friends there, all lined up to cushion my fall.

Selfish-me always thought that I was just a dumpee for all my friends' problems. That when it was my turn to be the dumper, they wouldn't be patient enough to be there for me and listen. 2014 proved me wrong. I gave my friends a lot of shit and they were there to deal with them all. And I will seriously forever be grateful.

I'm guilty of sometimes taking my friends for granted. 2014 made me realize that my friends are an integral part of my life. I've learned that life isn't like Friends or How I Met Your Mother where you can have coffee or beer at 2 in the afternoon with your friends every single day. It doesn't matter if we don't see each other all the time. Distance is nothing when you are committed to someone.

My friends are my gossip girls, slaps in my face, emergency contact people, coffee buddies, random trip/sleepover buddies, sisters, 3-hour phone pals at 3am, ETC! And I'll be the same things for them in a heart beat.

SELF

2014 served as a transition year from my childish, immature self to my... NOT SO childish, immature self. Maybe it's 'cause I turned 25 this 2014. I experienced changes in my taste of movies, books, food, coffee, etc. I found myself drinking tea, eating pineapples, reading 1984 (by George frickin' Orwell!), and watching Annie Hall. I got to know myself better and I believe that's one step towards self-worth.

Having gone through all these changes, 2014 also made me realize that some things never change. Some awesome things about me can stay unchanged while I grow. Like wearing colorful clothes (pink and green! #watermelonfeels), drinking coffee at 11pm (drinking coffee any time of day actually), hating kids but secretly loving them, singing randomly whenever I feel like it, and faking it until I make it (which REALLY works by the way).

Another breakthrough this 2014 is I actually felt more comfortable with myself. And with that comfort came a small amount of confidence. I was confident enough to sing in front of people in a wedding for crying out loud! IN A WEDDING! (I've always wanted to be a wedding singer!) Having confidence is something new to me. It feels nice. I think I'm gonna have more of it in 2015.

2014 was all about first steps of knowing and loving myself. First steps to self-worth. 2015 will not be about steps. It will be about soaring.

Having realized and learned all these things in 2014, my #2015goals are as follows:

1. Have short and long term savings. Short term for travel, emergencies, SCUBA license! Long term for condo!

2. Be an awesome trainer and have more patience with trainees. Follow dreams of becoming a motivational speaker (TED talk levels!)! Inspire and influence people!

3. Don't wait for those damn flowers from someone! Get some seeds, plant some and wait. Or just buy them yourself!

4. Pour out excessive, overwhelming love to friends! Do stuff for them they actually need. Make making your friends happy your priority!

5. Love self more by eating healthy (more pineapples and teas), exercising (Ayala Triangle, baby!), wearing earrings and heels to work (more confidence in 2015!), and sharing singing talent with other humans (preferably in weddings)!

Have an awesome new year, everyone! Let's soar this 2015 and kick 2014's ass! :)

Closure

My gradeschool teacher taught me that there are 2 ways a star can die. [From what I remember], a star can turn into a blackhole or it can explode and be a hmmm some kind of dwarf.

I remembered getting scared because I knew (from the previous semester) that the sun is a star. If it died, it could suck all the 9 planets around it or it could explode and kill us all. When I told my teacher all my fears, he laughed at me and said that it won't happen for a million years. That didn't comfort at all.

Just recently, a particular star had died. It was very unique because it started being a blackhole for a while but then towards the end, it finally exploded.

Blackhole phase: Everything the star touched, it sucked towards its unending revolution. Everything the star sucked stayed around it until it was satisfied. The star felt guilty that it was drawing everything towards it involuntarily. It felt like the star had no choice but to feed off of everything around it. It fed off of everyone’s life, light, and happiness. I guess this was the star’s way of surviving death because a blackhole, you see, is not really a dead star. It’s dying. And no one knows when the blackhole will stop pulling everything towards it or if it ever will.

Explosion phase: Then something happened that made the star stop imbibing everything that had life. It finally got satisfied and exploded. It exploded hard and loud. It was strange because the star that was supposed to be dying, never felt more alive as it was exploding. Another unexpected thing that happened was the explosion did not hurt anything around it because there was no one, nothing. The star had already sucked everything. There was nothing to lose. The star, finally contented, had died.

Death phase: After the big explosion, everything was quiet. The star did not have the energy to shine and twinkle as before. It did not have life. At long last, the star’s life has ended.

Somehow, this made me sad. It made me sad because it was the end. It sucked and obliterated everything around it and in the end, it died. Finished. Now the star that once shone and twinkled for everyone is just a Thing in space. It has no contribution whatsoever to anyone or anything. A Thing that cannot do anything. A Thing that only 2 people on Earth will recognize as Something that was once amazing. Once was beautiful. But now dead.

The Ultimate Game and the Zombie Apocalypse

After learning all the rules, I have become a good [enough] player in this game. A game that we play everyday. Sometimes, I play as white and you black. That means I move first, then you, then me again, and so on. From time to time, some snakes appear then I slip down. At times, ladders appear and you climb towards me then move three spaces forward. After that, you draw the reverse card, and suddenly it's not my turn anymore. I have to wait. Wait for everybody else to take his/her turn before participating again. Then unexpectedly, you're in jail and I have to pay or draw a card from the deck to bail you out.

I have mastered all the rules in this game we play everyday. I've gotten real good at it. I like playing it and I know you do, too. No matter how complicated the rules are, we like to play. I know we both like to play.

But there are times that I fail to keep up. That I fail to jump high enough to reach that flag. That I'm outside the game and you have already saved the princess. All along I thought I was the princess. Your princess.

And here's the real deal.

Just so you know, I'm not ok. It may seem I am, but I'm not. I'm a big fan of faking it until you make it. Hopefully, I'm convincing. I think I am.

I hope you understand why I did what I did. I'm trusting your judgment and assumptions on this. I hope you trust them too. I'm sorry for having this particular sickness. Sickness of hating being misunderstood but hating (or not knowing how) to explain myself. I hate not being articulate. I hate hating EVERYTHING.

I hope you get the exact time/moment I did what I did. Yes, it's confusing, but I left clues. I left breadcrumbs for you to follow. I know it's stupid. I should've just told you everything, but I, myself didn't understand it. Or maybe didn't believe it. Didn't WANT TO believe it. I'm confident that you get everything. You're just afraid to confront me. I wish you'd get mad at me. But I know, even that, I don't deserve.

I'm sorry but I can't play this game anymore. I've been addicted and I really think the logical thing to do is to turn the game off. Is it? I wish you can answer. But again, I don't deserve it, I know. And I'm really sorry.

I hate that the airs that were once alive are now dead. I hate that I'M dead. I walk every single day a zombie convincing everyone that I'm human. Sometimes, it's easy. I slap a smile on my face and a loud laugh to hide the sorrow in my eyes. Sometimes, it's hard. It's hardest when I'm alone. Because then, I don't feel the need to perform in front of an "audience". Then, all that shit I smack on my face disappear. That's when I become a zombie again. That's when it's hard to sleep at night.

It may not make any sense, but I know in time I will become human again. But right now, I have to fake it. Every morning, I have to dress up as a human and cover up all this zombie goo. I hope when I'm a real human being, you'll still recognize me. I will be able to explain everything then. I hope you'll be there to listen. Please don't forget me. Please wait for me.

Vicarious Pleasures?

Lately, I've been missing you. Missing you especially because I already constantly do. Just now, I saw a picture of you on my Facebook feed. I miss you again even more. I press Home then I find myself scrolling down impatiently until I see your picture pop up again. I miss you even more.

It all started when I recently received something from you. Something that had meaning. Or not. I don't know for sure. You confuse me most of the time. But I hope it had meaning. So that we will have direction. Or even just a path.

All my close friends say our relationship is weird. "Labo..." is their exact word. Again, I get confused. What's so weird about what we do? But when I actually look at us from their point of view, it is kinda weird. Maybe it's 'cause we have something special? Or maybe we're just two weird people doing "unnormal" stuff even two weird people should not do? I don't know.

But whenever we do what we do, it doesn't seem "unnormal". It feels right. It feels comfortable. Sometimes, it even feels necessary. That's when it scares me the most.

I have absolutely no idea what you're thinking. If you're actually consciously doing all these things to lead me somewhere I'm not familiar with. Not familiar with anymore anyway.

Sometimes, it seems that I'm actually in control. I keep telling myself that I have to wait. To be patient. And I'm ok with that. But sometimes (like this very moment), I just want to go to you and hug you. And cuddle. And stare at you. And kiss you. It drives me crazy that I can't.

I have to see you. Soon. Or not ever.

The Dance

I dance but I don't know how.
I step my left foot then my right,
Move my hips then my hands.
That familiar tune I always dance to.
On my own with my eyes closed,
I dance.

You joined me in my trance.
Closed eyes, I didn't notice.
When I opened them, there you were,
Dancing in front of me.

You held out your hand.
I stared at it, confused.
I took it.
My hand fit it in yours perfectly.
We became one.
Oh, what harmony!

We danced and we danced.
You showed me some moves.
I tried some, some I couldn't do.
I didn't wanna stop dancing.
I forgot the feeling,
The feeling of dancing by myself.

One day,
You changed the tune.
Then she came.
She joined us.
You gave your other hand to her.
Oh, she's beautiful.
She's beautiful when she dances.
The grace, the flow, the beauty!

Your hand still in mine.
Her hand in yours.
Then we would all dance.
We would dance to your tune.

You would look into my eyes,
And everything would make sense.
Then you would look into hers,
I would get lost in the rhythm.

There'd be times I'd get dizzy,
But you would hold on to me.
You would hold on to me tight.
It feels like you will never let go.
So I don't.
Oh, the ecstasy!

Sometimes, it would get crowded.
Crowded where we used to dance,
Dance, just the two of us.
Oh, how I want to just dance with you,
Holding both of my hands,
Instead of just one.

Sometimes, I just wanna change the tune,
Or turn it off all together,
But I love the way you hold my hand,
Tight as we dance.
And the way you smile,
When you watch her dance.

One day, I will learn,
How to dance just like her.
But before that, I have to let go.
Let go of your hand,
That is tight around mine.

I hope when I come back,
You'd be standing by the jukebox,
Alone, waiting for me.
Waiting for me to have our first last dance.

Old ID, elevator, vendo machine, and magnets

Yesterday, I went to my previous work's office. Upon entering the building, I felt some kind of familiarity. A sense of belongingness. A routine. I quickly showed my [old] work ID so I would be permitted to go inside. Then I was off to the elevator without letting the guards check my bag. (Got used to just going inside buildings due to the nature of my [previous] work.) I was a bit nervous. The only reason why I was going back there was because I had to sign necessary papers to make my leaving the company official.

Elevator doors opened to the floor of the office and I tiptoed on the way. I immediately saw one of the people from the administration team, and suddenly my heart jumped. Mixed feelings started flowing thru my body. I thought to myself why I was feeling THAT nervous. I left on a good note (I think... I thought.) so I had to relax. I opened the door and she just called my name right away, surprised to see me. I said hi and she gave me the papers to sign.

One by one, I saw the people that I used to come across with every single day for the past one year and a half not even knowing some of their names. Those people I knew, I was reluctant to give hugs to. I didn't know if I was allowed to. But those who I became close with, I couldn't help giving them tight ones. I looked around and it felt a bit like home, but I didn't belong there anymore. It felt like I was just an alumna visiting my alma mater.

I'd be forever grateful once belonging to this company. I DEFINITELY wouldn't be who I am today if I took the other job that was offered to me almost two years ago. Working in this company ruined my perspective with other companies out there. I feel like I have to compare the "others" to the standards of this company. Yes, there were enormous challenges, but once you get (which took me three months to do so) what the business was all about, you'd be willing to overcome them with no problems and complaints.

I stayed in the lobby for a while before leaving. I wanted to soak all the air in for the last time. I'll DEFINITELY miss the office, the chaos in the training area, the people, the big boss, and the frickin' vendo machine! My one-and-a-half-year stay in this company topped my twelve-year schooling when it comes to important skills to learn in life. Every single day, I felt my brain being fed more and more knowledge and wisdom. And apparently, along the way, it sort of got full that I wanted to see if there were things outside this company that may broaden my views in life even more. I got addicted to being curious. To maximizing opportunities. That was the main reason why I left.

Moving forward, I walk with my head up high carrying with me all the skills that I have developed to do even greater things. Again, I will be forever grateful to this company. It gave me confidence to follow my dreams. That if you want something SO bad, reaching for it is not enough. You have to jump and risk falling face down. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do now.

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Last week, an old friend texted for a meet-up with our old barkada (some of us, anyway). Unfortunately, we couldn't all make it due to the short notice. We ended up having it scheduled for last night instead.

Meeting up with the people you spent junior and senior proms with, 18th birthdays with, hours and hours on the phone with, heartbreaks with, laughing out loud with, time fighting with, and half of your life drinking with is just pure bliss. Suddenly, those things that bothered all of you about each other started appearing one by one and instead of being annoyed, you just laughed it off because you have limited time together. You just wanna enjoy every second of it.

Even if we only see each other once every six months maybe, we immediately jive. No awkward silences whatsoever. No need to be careful with harsh words. No need to walk on eggshells. Once we're all together, immediately, we go back to those moments in the cadlum area (canteen) just talking non-stop about anything under the sun. Anything that we're really passionate about. That's what I love about our barkada. Even if there are some misunderstandings or problems between us, we manage to go back to that moment wherein we just didn't care about the people around us and just did whatever it was that felt right at that certain moment.

It seems like we have built-in magnets inside us that somehow will eventually bring us all together again and again. And when we're all far away from each other, we have that distant longing between us. That longing to be together even if we belong in different poles. That longing that even if we don't feel, will only take one magnet to bring all (some) of us together. Again and again. Same place (anywhere), same time (anytime).

Reel Life

Most of the time we're like Crazy Little Thing Called Love. That stupid teenage love affair that makes you giggle. Sometimes we're some Sandra Bullock movie. Old Sandra Bullock movie. Like While You Were Sleeping or Two Weeks Notice or something. Sometimes it's 10 Things I Hate About You. We have an awesome OST, but everything is shallow and predictable. Smart, yet predictable. Very seldom we're A Walk to Remember or If Only or P.S. I Love You. Those moments I don't like. I avoid those moments because I'm always the one getting hurt. Or I always cannot handle when you're the one getting hurt. It's all melodramatic and exaggerated. I REALLY hate it. Sometimes we're all Science of Sleep or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I also hate those moments. It's like we're trying too hard to complicate something incredibly simple that it makes us dumb. I hate pretending to be dumb.

I love our Before Sunset moments where we just talk or be quiet together. I love those moments. I prolong those moments most of the time whenever I can. I like quiet. You seem to hate it, which is very weird.

Speaking of weird, sometimes we're Magic Mike. I don't wanna elaborate. It makes me uncomfortable. (It's not what you think.) Oooh, I also like our Dead Poets Society or Good Will Hunting moments where we have very intelligent conversations and it lasts for hours and instead of being enlightened about something, we actually get even more confused. I like those moments. Those are the moments when I feel that... I don't know. I just get this feeling in my stomach.

But at the end of the day I think we're just (500) Days of Summer. GREAT OST. Lots of Regina Spektor, who I LOVE. Great movie. Different and out of the box. (That's us; different and out of the box.) It's a taste of reality. It's a story of boy meets girl, but is not a love story. That's us. And it feels nice having realized that. It turns all the question marks into periods and exclamation points. It brings some kind of peace.

Now, just like every girl, I'm waiting for my Beauty and the Beast moment. I get impatient sometimes, but the Beast had to wait years for Belle to come so that puts things in perspective. (So I'm the Beast? :/) And to think, all the Disney princesses had to wait for their princes to "rescue" them so who am I to question Messrs Wilhelm and Jacob Grimm and Mister Walt.

But then sometimes I wonder. Maybe I should write my own story so I can be the main character of my own movie. I can be the leading lady (or the princess) and you can be... I don't know. I guess we'll have to see as a write it.

Touch, Hold, Cling, Grasp

A touch of pink.
A touch of a butterfly on Winnie the Pooh's nose.
A touch of a furry creature.
A touch due to curiosity.
A touch to a life.

The Touch of a hand.
Of two hands.
The playfulness of the Touch.
The feel of the Touch.
The inappropriateness of it all.
But the wanting of the Touch.
The feel of the Touch.
The feeling.
How it lingers.
How it still does until now.

A hold on to the wheel.
A hold to a glass.
A lasting hold of styling gel.
A hold to thought.
A hold of you.

The Hold of hand to arm.
The wish of the Hold of hand to hand instead of hand to arm.
The fear of the Hold of my sweaty palms.
The settling for the Hold of hand to arm or wrist.
The fear of the thought of Holding hands.

The Holding on to the memory of the Touch.
The going back to the Touch.
The wanting for the Touch to become a Hold.
The fear of dependence.
The lingering fear of dependence.

A cling of a monkey to a tree.
A cling of a baby to a mother.
A cling towards you.

The Cling of thoughts.
Oh how good the thoughts Cling.
The Cling to memory.
The wanting to forget.
The exhaustion of the wanting to forget.
The Cling that makes the scene repeat over and over again.
Over and over again until I feel that pain in my stomach.

The Grasp of idea.
The Grasping of the idea of impossibility.
The Grasping of the idea of a small window opening.
The window shutting up again.
The Grasping of the idea that everything is an illusion.
The Grasping of reality vs. expectations.
The Grasping of the idea of wanting to forget.
The Grasping of the idea of boredom.
The Grasping of the idea of repetitiveness.
The Grasping of the idea of distance.
The Grasping of the idea of transparency.
The fear of transparency.
The letting go.

The Grasping of the idea of the Touch, the Hold, and the Cling.
The Grasping of it all.

The Impossibility.
The Impossibility for now.

"That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right. Whichever come what may, you see I need to know tonight."

[untitled]

It's one of those moments when a shitload of jelly comes out of my mouth instead of comforting words to make that person feel even just a tiny bit better. My brain shuts down for some reason and I mumble.

I'm sorry I don't know what to say. I'm sorry all you heard from that phone call was "fuck". [I'm sorry I curse a lot.] I hope I can take all the pain away. [Stupid cliche.] I can only imagine what you're going through right now. I wanna give you a hug so bad and it's not even because you need it. [Ugh, distance is such a bitch. I hope someone gives you tight one where you are right this second.] I just cannot think of anything else to do to be useful to you. I wanna be useful. What can I do?

It's also one of those moments when I like playing the hero. (a.k.a. when I make everything about me not about you; a.k.a. me being a selfish fucker) When I want to save everyone from sorrow. If I could turn all the pain into marshmallows I would. Just give all the shit to me so you won't have to put up with it. Put it in a jar and I'll steal it like that jar of cookies. Flaunt it in fucking Baclaran and I'll snatch it from you! Just give me the pain and I'll deal with it.

Obviously this is all bullshit because you can't do any of these. [Ugh, jelly.] I just pray to God to give you strength to deal with all this. I'm so sorry this happened. If it happened to me, I probably wouldn't even take your call. Anyone's call. [Thanks for taking mine. Thanks for not shutting me out.]

You will be okay. You will find out how to cope and you will do your best to do it because we will make you. Accept all the hands that will be given to you. Please don't shut us out.

For now, just be strong.

Chloe the Clingy Monkey

Chloe the Clingy Monkey loves to cling to lamp posts. Not trees. Lamp posts. For some odd reason, she always fails to cling to trees. She may be allergic to the leaves of the tree, or the tree may be way too tall, or she may be way too short, or she just plainly fails to reach the tree. She tries and tries to reach the tall luscious trees but her leap is just not enough. So she decides to settle for the lamp posts. The lamp posts that are comfortable. The lamp posts that give her light but are cold in the middle of the night. The lamp posts that she loves to talk to but don't always respond. The lamp posts that pretend to shade her whenever it rains. The lamp posts that are good enough for now. She settles for them. For now.

Instant Happiness is Instant

I've probably already posted hundreds of video chat grabs on my Facebook. And here's another one. I just really wanna remember moments like this when I needed someone to cheer me up so bad and this k-razyy bunch of weirdos happen to do just that via video chat. (Distance is a bitch. And in this case, also the epic the weather. O__O) I wanna document moments when it only took ONE text message containing only TWO syllables to make me feel a BILLION times happier.

I will forever be grateful for having this k-razyy bunch of weirdos in my life. :)

And just like that, maybe I won't need to call that hotline.

Bipolarity, Randomness, Sleepiness

TAKE ONE:
[I used to think I had nothing to say. That I could handle everything on my own. But I actually wanna scream. I wanna burst out in tears. I actually wanna talk. And now that I have something to say, I find myself talking to a wall. I've been talking to a wall all this time.]

TAKE TWO:
[I've been on this Merry-Go-Round (which by the way is my favorite ride in amusement parks) for so long now. I'm already very dizzy. I wanna get off so bad, but I wanna get my money's worth. But is it really worth it when I already feel like vomiting?]

TAKE THREE:
[I'm not gonna fall for that bait you're dangling. I'm gonna keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming.]

TAKE FOUR:
[It's funny when a dog chases its tail. It'll try to catch its tail around and around and around until it can't anymore. I like it when it stops and gives up. That implies that the dog learned it's impossible to chase your tail. I don't like it when it does the chasing over again.]

TAKE FIVE:
["CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" I hear a soft reply. Then I say even louder, "IS ANYBODY THERE?!" I can't quite make out the reply. I decide to listen very carefully as I screamed for the last time, "HELLO??!" I hear a faint, "Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello." Just an echo. No one's here.]

TAKE SIX:
[Jelly melly felly kelly celly nelly delly pelly. I wanna turn into jelly.]

Because your love, your love, your love is my drug

I FINALLY had human (other than my family of course) contact today. It was such a relief when one of my bestfriends texted me to hangout. It's always exciting when we hang out together because we have "jonders talks". Haha! "Jonders talks" = mature talks about life, love, friends, and everything else. It's when we overcome our A.D.D.'s and all other mental disorders/deficiencies (an exaggeration OF COURSE) to analyze our surroundings. It sounds oh, so formal, but it SO is not. So when she texted me about the hangout, we immediately set the date and had it.

I found out just when I was on my way that my other bestfriend was also coming. That got me even more excited because the three of us rarely hang out. We could LITERALLY talk the whole day (I cannot emphasize the "LITERALLY" enough because we seriously already did.) about just one thing or just one memory. I bet we could have "jonders talks" for weeks.

So that's what we did (kinda). We hung out at a coffee shop and just talked about random stuff. Random memories. That made me subconsciously ignore my depressing self. Yep, I've been depressed for a while, and it's kinda nice to just stop and hear hilarious stories and fucked up ones. Also, I figured out that I wasn't only depressed, I was also lonely. I thought I would NEVER feel that. I'm a big preacher of "it doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone". I was always comfortable at being alone. I never knew how this felt. I guess you only feel it once you actually interact with people because then you'll notice the difference. The difference from having your bestfriends around to staying in your room reading an awesome book or watching movies (which I both LOVE to do alone). The difference between hanging out with my bestfriends and hanging out with my bedroom furnitures.

Then we went to the house of my bestfriend. The "jonders talks" got even deeper. I loved how they understood EXACTLY how I felt and knew EXACTLY what to say. I loved how they were also going through what's been fucking me up recently. We talked about the "curse", the pressure, the expectations, etc. And when you see your bestfriend cry, you shut up and just hug. Just hug to let her know that you're ALWAYS going to be there for her. That we're always going to be there for each other.

I cannot emphasize enough how I want this friendship between the three of us to last forever. I'm actually in the verge of tears right now because I really feel strongly about this. I'm always the peson who's very independent and who usually does not need anyone to live. But I've realized throughout our friendship that I actually need them. And that scares me a bit. It scares me that I might need them more than they need me. That I might love them more than they love me.

Only hangouts with them can make us forget that the world is actually spinning. Time stops for a while when we're together. We're completely indifferent with the things going on around us. Only all of us together can make us forget that the world is actually out there. That there will be a tomorrow. That we have to face reality again after tonight.


That the frickin' planet Venus just passed by across the sun a while ago.

Just Passing By

This is my university campus. Yep, it's awesome. I have graduated from it a few months ago. During these few months, I would go back here to meet up with friends and fix my clearance and shit. I would always feel that I still belonged here. That I still wanted to stay. Today, I fixed everything that I needed to fix. And most of my friends are going to graduate this year. I would have no reason (except for special occasions, of course) to go back here.

While I was walking from my college to our organization tambayan, I looked around to find people that I knew. There were none. Even though our campus is GINORMOUS, you would always see someone familiar. I didn't see anyone today.

I realized that though I love this campus so much. I didn't belong to it anymore. I felt like a visitor. I didn't see it as a bad thing though. It made me realize that I have to move on to the next place that I will belong to. Though there is a part of me that is forever going to be in this campus, the parts that are left need to move on.

I'm very happy to have belonged in this place. And I'm also very excited to find out which place I will belong to next. :)

[Can't wait to see the sunflowers this April! ;p]

Once a Bunny, Always a Bunny

I was watching TV in my room one afternoon and then I heard a knock on my door. It was our maid. She told me that 2 guys were waiting for me outside. I didn't believe her. She told me to look outside the window and see. I did. And then I immediately reached for the remote and turned the TV off. The remote dropped and broke while I ran to the bathroom to take a bath.

Why were they here? Why now? I thought I was gonna go his house later that night. It takes me about 15-20 minutes to take a bath. And 10 minutes for me to dress up and another 5 to gather my things and put them in one bag (Thank God I already picked out my outfit the night before or they were gonna have to wait much MUCH longer.).

After about 30 minutes of panicking, I went downstairs and greeted them with an apology. Oh how I missed these guys! But obviously, I gots to be cool because me one of zze boyz! Haha! I could tell they kinda missed me, too. Oh how I love my guy friends! I missed just randomly getting picked up by my close friends. [The Smiths' "There is a light that never goes out" playing in my head (Take me out tonight. Take me anywhere. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.)]

We went to pick up my bestfriend and my friend's girlfriend. I gots a feeling we gonn be [kinda] complete tonight! We finally arrived to my friend's house (a.k.a. epic inuman venue). Another guy friend was already there. We were almost complete. We played Bullshit. Friend's girl is not that good at bullshitting. HAHA! It's pretty funny. 2 more friends arrived. Then off to dinner.

Damn, friend's mother's cooking is amazing. My mouth wanted more, but my stomach already refused entry. Then out came the booze. Bacardi and Jager, baby! :D Let's get this shindig started. (Girl friend arrived uber late, but it was SOOO nice seeing her again. FINALLY!)

I missed this. I missed hanging out with this bunch of bunnies. We talked about stupid things, about dreams of becoming a pop star, about memories, about real things, about real feelings, about wanting to get mad but couldn't, about stupid girlfriends, about long-distance relationships, about EVERYTHING. I miss talking to people who know me. Who understand me. It's a lot easier when that's the case.

We didn't talk about the future. I feel like we're all on the same page when I say that the future stresses all of us out. That night was a break from all the pressure future brought. And that's what I love about that night. We didn't talk about what would happen the next day. Every conversation was enough to last just for the night. If a meteor crushed us all that night, it would've been ok. I cannot emphasize how much I missed hanging out with these people in these circumstances.

That night, I realized that even if everything around us changed, we didn't. We stayed the same bunch of bunnies. Yes, we're more mature now and a lot cooler (yeah! :p), but we still dealt with each other the same. We were the same people the first time we all got together in that Cadlum Hall. Yes, there are rifts here and there, but even those can't ruin the closeness love between this group of bunnies. And there are no words that can bulls-eye that thing within all of us that connects us. It's kinda like a built-in GPS or HDD inside us that makes us track or remember why we belong in this group.

In a way, that night made us even closer than we were in highschool. Our maturity and coolness (:p) made us interact with each other more effectively. Friendships were renewed and rifts became not so far apart as before. And those made me hope that maybe in the far future, we will still be able to spend time together without having to think about what'll happen the next day.

I know I have dependency issues, but I secretly hope nights like this happened every week. At least every month. :)

I love Sumisenti Bunnies/Cadlum Bunnies so much!