"Oh, it's just me."

“You’re here for vacation? Who are you with?”

“Oh, it’s just me.”

Most of the people who asked me that question just nodded and said, “Oh…” As if to say, “Oh, I get it. You’re probably doing that That Thing Called Tadhana thing. Aww…” Or maybe, “Oh, you’re soul searching. Like how Julia Roberts ate, prayed, and loved.” Or maybe, “Oh, that’s kinda weird. Stay away from me, you weirdo.”

Honestly, the main reason I wanted to go to Bohol is… I WANTED TO GO TO BOHOL. I’ve always wanted to see the Chocolate Hills and the huge stretch of white sand in Panglao. I didn’t go because I was escaping or trying to “find myself” or whatever. I went because I wanted to.

At first, I was super excited. I AM an independent woman and I was travelling alone. I felt like I could do anything. But as the trip got nearer and nearer, I started getting nervous. Can I really go all the way to Visayas on my own? I don’t even speak their language! They’re gonna hate my weird trying-real-hard-to-be-normal-amongst-strangers-so-I-become-super-perky self! But oh well, I already paid for the flight, hotel, and everything. I just have to put on my normal-human mask and I’ll be fine.

When I went around the city, I didn’t really care about the people (tourists) around me because there were a lot of things to see and learn. I didn't mind the stares they shot me when they find out I'm alone. I like doing city tours because that’s when you truly feel and grasp the culture of a place.  When you see people doing the most mundane things, that’s when you truly know their “patterns”. Boholanos, I found out, are really friendly and welcoming. Tagbilaran, after all, is the City of Friendship. My weird humor is not that well-received though. I keep making the service staffs laugh wherever I’m going, but they seem to misunderstand what I mean. It’s probably the language barrier. They probably don’t understand my jokes. Of course, that’s the reason. I KNOW I’M FUNNY!

I think when you’re travelling alone, you get to experience things on a higher level. Everything is amplified. Food tastes better (or worse if they’re bad), sceneries are more overwhelming, and stares are more noticeable. I think it’s because there are no one distracting you from truly experiencing everything you eat, see, smell, hear, and feel. You only worry about yourself and for me, that’s the most relaxing thing. Whenever I’m travelling with people, I always worry if they’re enjoying my company. I get dragged to adventure-y places to do adventure-y stuff. If something goes wrong, I always worry that they might get pissed off. Now that I’m alone, I’m completely worry and stress free.

Now, I’m finally here in Panglao! The beach is just amazing. The low tide upped my amazement even further! The sand is super powdery, it feels like walking on clouds. Uh, it’s so beautiful!

The thing about beaches though is time seems to slow down. There’s nothing much to do but chill (or it’s probably just in my case since I don’t like water adventure things). Every experience is once again amplified. My thoughts (evil ones, sad ones, happy ones, etc.) got louder. It felt like my day was being written by Haruki Murakami. Suddenly, everything around me and everything I did had existential meanings. I loved and hated it…

I loved it because I finally get to hear my thoughts! I actually have time to listen. I’m usually just tired from the commute every single day after work that I don’t even get to think about things anymore. Now I have the whole day to recharge my thoughts. But too much thinking can lead you to a trap. I suddenly noticed myself crying on the beach because of these unruly thoughts.

Two days before my trip, something happened. I bumped into someone I didn’t see for more than a year. He didn’t see me, but I saw him. I did the double take and everything so I could really make sure it was him. It was him, alright. My initial reaction was pure panic. I started hyperventilating. When I finally calmed myself down, I started asking questions.

What does this mean?! Why now?! I was doing so well. I was moving on! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, UNIVERSE?! Ugh, destiny sucks.

When I saw him, all feelings came back. Both good ones and bad. I wonder if he felt my presence during that particular moment when I saw him. Scientists recently proved that the “bend” in space and time actually exists when there’s intense gravity present. I wonder if that’s true in an ultimately minute scale, say between two people. Are they able to feel the weight between them? Are they able to feel the unevenness of the weight? Is it painful for the both of them? These were the questions I asked the ocean this morning as it swallowed my tears.

These questions will obviously remain unanswered. For now, I’ll just do my best and enjoy the few hours I have in this paradise. Once I go back to reality, I will do the thing I do best. Fake it until I make it. I think I’m awesome at that. The reason it’s hard for now is ‘cause I’m not there yet. I haven’t MADE it. So I just have to be patient and not ask dumb questions to the majestic ocean and ruin perfectly good sunrises.

An Introvert's Journey to Adrenaline and Alcohol

"To the future..." started the toasts while immediately following up with, "but still thinking of the now!" *clink* "CHEERS!"

We have conquered Enchanted Kingdom (the happiest place in Laguna) today. A few of my quarter-year old highschool friends and I frickin' crushed Enchanted Kingdom! Who's #TitaOfManila now?! It was my first time riding Anchor's Away and I surprisingly liked it. After that, I didn't mind being the Official Bag Carrier of the group (because really, Space Shuttle? N-O_W-A-Y). Frickin' Anchor's Away, dude! I can do anything!

Before the trip, however, I was having mini-palpitations (being the abnormally anti-human/acute introverted person I have become lately) because I was gonna hang out with old friends I wasn't hanging out with for a long time. "What are the social norms involved? What exactly is the threshold of making 'too many' jokes? Does it even exist because what can go wrong with 'too many' jokes? Will they get annoyed and find out that that is how I calm myself and hide my anxieties? What is the appropriate distance between each other when taking pictures... unit of measure = inches?" These thoughts were running rapidly in my mind since yesterday and these exact thoughts were the ones that woke me up before the sun even rose this morning.

During the trip, after inducing a lot of caffeine, my normal-person self kicked in and I was on auto-pilot. I was still myself. But those insane thoughts going around my head got shut off.

Caffeine = 1, Acute Introversion = 0

I started having fun. Actually, have fun. Which was new since I've been feeling crappy lately. The most surprising thing was I was doing it amidst all these humans. These people. My friends. My close friends. My bestfriends. It was a weird feeling. Familiar, but weird.

Since it's a Sunday and everyone had shit to do tomorrow, we had to leave at 5pm. (This is a lie. We left early 'cause WE WERE TIRED. DO NOT JUDGE OUR AGEING BODIES!) It took just one of us to say, "Tara, isang pitcher lang tapos uwi na agad." to throw those shit to-dos in the trash.

Adrenaline took its toll on all of our ageing bodies, but none of us could resist the evil that alcohol brings in all of us. EQs were let loose and tensions were piled on the table like there's no tomorrow. Suddenly, "hugot" became an understatement. "Hukay," "Dukot," "Labas," "Hukot" (which is not a word) and even "Bet!" and "Floor Wax" had whole new meanings. Prides were exposed and confrontations happened. It was gonna be a crazy night and I was relieved that my EQ was still intact and my anxieties are already fast asleep.

Amidst all the tension, we also talked about real-world stuff like how to start a business, benefits of networking, not pressuring yourself to be your other quarter-year old friends who are more successful, etc. It was interesting to see how all of our outlooks changed compared to when we were still in highschool. It's funny how we have all grown up and still have a lot of unanswered questions in life. When I was in highschool, I imagined myself now to have it all figured out. I imagined that my life would be smooth and perfect without exerting an ounce of effort. But life is a joker. It fools you to think that you know everything, but then it suddenly changes the game and you're lost again. The hard part is... you still have to continue playing.

I'm not sure where I wrote it, but I still believe that all of us, my close friends and I, have magnets inside us. No matter what happens, no matter how many tensions, prides, egos, or just flat out shit are piled up on the table, we will still be pulled towards each other. That is just how it's going to be. We may drift apart due to time or distance, but at the end of it all we will always be drawn towards each other.

So friends, we have no choice. We're all in this together. Always.

PS: LIVE FOR THE JOURNEY! *wink*

The Dancer's Turn

The spotlight.

It was on her.

Finally, it was her turn.

She has been waiting and waiting.

For the spotlight to be on her.

She stood in the middle.

The light immediately found her.

She’s stunning. Beautiful.

Exquisite.

She walks gracefully.

She closes her eyes.

To savour the spotlight.

That was finally on her.

She danced and danced.

And the spotlight followed.

All around the stage.

All around, the light followed.

She finished her dance.

With a twirl in the middle.

She stopped. She waits.

Waits for the applause.

From the audience she waited.

In the middle.

Spotlight on her, she waited.

Silence.

The beating of her heart.

Her deep breaths.

Were all she could hear.

And louder and louder.

They vanished the silence.

She couldn’t see far.

The light blinded her.

The spotlight finally dimmed.

And slowly she caught sight.

She caught a glimpse of the audience.

No one was there.

No one was watching.

Emptiness.

Her elegant performance.

No one saw.

The spotlight.

The spotlight deceived her.

The middle of the stage.

All around, it deceived her.

The light, slowly dimming.

Gradually, it left the stage.

Before it disappeared,

She took a bow.

She took a bow and left with the light.

Darkness.

Goodbye Sad Songs and Isolated Islands

My iPod and book JUST got stolen. My almost 10-year old iPod and my friend's (whoops. SORRY!) mangled copy of The Lord of the Flies JUST got stolen. My two bestfriends during my commute every morning and night. Now gone.

Every morning, I listen to my iPod to drown all the thoughts in my head. Thoughts that make me feel like a zombie again. They say time heals everything. It's been quite a while and I'm still here. I listen to music to make the time bearable. To trick my head that I'm moving along with time. It kinda works because before I know it, I'm already in the office. Without the memory of how I got there.

Every night, I read my book while waiting in line for the shuttle home. I read to transport myself to a world where you don't exist. Where I am just living vicariously with the characters in the book. Where even just for a while, I won't be in pain. I can conquer the world alongside the main character and forget you. For a while. I can't read in the shuttle so I close my book and you appear again. I miss you and I'm back from where I started.

The next day, I do the same. This has been my routine for almost 2 months. I'm tired.

One of my bestfriends (human one) asked me, "What do you want? What do you want from him? Do you wanna be with him?"

"No, I don't wanna be with him. Not exactly. I wanna feel that I'm actually worth an awkward conversation. That I'm worth the effort. Because I couldn't handle not being his favorite person. I want him to wanna talk about the real stuff. The hard stuff. I just wanted to be worth something to him, you know? I wanna say sorry. It was stupid how I broke down and didn't explain. I'm always ready to jump off a sinking ship without thinking who I'm gonna leave behind. I did what I did because I didn't wanna lose him. But I guess losing him was inevitable." is what I should've said. But the too-proud-inarticulate-not-wanting-to-explain me just said, "I don't know."

These are the thoughts that I have to drown every morning and night. Now I don't have anything to drown them with. To the hipster robber who stole my 10-year old iPod with all my sad songs and my friend's copy of The Lord of the Flies, there is a special place in hell waiting for you.

Morning Rituals and Keeping Up with the Awesomeness

Alarm goes off at 4 in the morning. I hit snooze. I hit snooze 348756 times until it's 5:20am. I stand up. Finally.

I go to the bathroom. I bring my iPad and phone. I check my messages. I read. I think. I make most of my life's decisions in my bathroom. I finally take a bath. All this takes about 45 minutes to an hour.

I dress up. Oh, the dressing up. I seem to always love matching pink and green, green and brown, and blue and green. I either end up looking like a watermerlon or Mother Earth. I comb my hair and hastily grab all my stuff since I'm probably already running late because I couldn't decide which fruit I will dress up as that day. One quick glance around my room checking if I've forgotten anything, then I'm off.

I go to my parents' room to say goodbye. They're all still sleeping so I just sneak in to kiss my parents goodbye. My sister's stuck in the middle of my parents with her mouth wide open so I leave her alone.

I go down and eat breakfast. 10 minutes tops, then I'm off to my daily commute.

Tricycle. As the wind blows on my face, I put day cream on it. Sun block because... climate change.

Shuttle/FX. Oh the FX and its infinitely limited space. Once I reach the place where I take a jeep to the MRT, I check if my legs are still connected to my body. If they are, I continue.

Jeep. EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE.

MRT. The stairs. The stairs are my morning enemy. Even if I DETEST how the MRT is being run by whoever, I actually love this part of my morning. Once I'm in the train, I put my earphones on, press Shuffle in my iPod, and finally I'm in a bubble for 30 minutes.

Bubble time. Oh, how I maximize those 30 minutes I have "all to myself." I put my earphones on and suddenly I'm bestfriends with Beyonce, Hayley Williams, Adele, Ingrid Michaelson, Armi Millare, Sara Bareilles and Regina Spektor. I suddenly have a concert and the #HumansofEDSA are my audience. Even The Script, Jason Mraz, Coldplay, The Smiths, Ed Sheeran, and Two Door Cinema Club attend my concert. It's AWESOME. Everyday, they attend. Everyday, IT'S AWESOME.

Today was different. Today, my earphones broke. My earphones broke and I didn't have my Bubble Time. My Bubble Time that I always look forward to every weekday morning. My 30 minutes "all to myself." No Beyonce...

Have you put Mentos in a newly opened Coca-Cola bottle? Have you watched an eruption of any volcano? Have you ever blacked out in a plane due to intense anxiety/anger because a baby is crying on top of his/her lungs? Or have you blacked out in general? All these happened to me at the same time in 3 seconds.

But after that, my perky/always positive thinking/taking control/won't-let-anything-ruin-my-day/I-can-always-turn-shit-around self kicked in. And I sang. Not out loud. Not out loud, but with conviction. I damn well sang my Beyonce and bobbed my head along with the bobbing of the train. I sang. I sang my frickin' heart out.

I sang my frickin' heart out because sometimes, when life breaks your earphones, you just gotta close your eyes, own the stage, and sing acapella to the #HumansofEDSA.

After all, they came all the way from wherever, sweating under the heat of the sun just to see you.

To-do list:
- Make life buy you new earphones!

Vicarious Pleasures?

Lately, I've been missing you. Missing you especially because I already constantly do. Just now, I saw a picture of you on my Facebook feed. I miss you again even more. I press Home then I find myself scrolling down impatiently until I see your picture pop up again. I miss you even more.

It all started when I recently received something from you. Something that had meaning. Or not. I don't know for sure. You confuse me most of the time. But I hope it had meaning. So that we will have direction. Or even just a path.

All my close friends say our relationship is weird. "Labo..." is their exact word. Again, I get confused. What's so weird about what we do? But when I actually look at us from their point of view, it is kinda weird. Maybe it's 'cause we have something special? Or maybe we're just two weird people doing "unnormal" stuff even two weird people should not do? I don't know.

But whenever we do what we do, it doesn't seem "unnormal". It feels right. It feels comfortable. Sometimes, it even feels necessary. That's when it scares me the most.

I have absolutely no idea what you're thinking. If you're actually consciously doing all these things to lead me somewhere I'm not familiar with. Not familiar with anymore anyway.

Sometimes, it seems that I'm actually in control. I keep telling myself that I have to wait. To be patient. And I'm ok with that. But sometimes (like this very moment), I just want to go to you and hug you. And cuddle. And stare at you. And kiss you. It drives me crazy that I can't.

I have to see you. Soon. Or not ever.

Not so Quarter-Life Crisis

Lately, I've been having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. I've been keeping it on the DL though because I don't really have the luxury of time to actually ponder on these two things that bother me.

First, the ever-pressuring topic of Le Career. See, I graduated last October 2011. That's three years ago. Three LONG years ago. When our dean was handing me that diploma that I worked my ass off for, I believed that I would be someone somewhere I would be successful in in the future. Yes, my dreams were that vague. Maybe that's why the universe got confused and wouldn't prioritize me until I actually knew exactly what I wanted. Fast forward three years from that moment when it was honestly my first time meeting our dean, I still don't know what I want. Good thing I realized that there is no pressure in knowing what you want out of life.

Some people are lucky that since birth, their parents have inception-ed them to be whatever it is that they want to be. They had direction. And there are those people who had something amazing/traumatic happen in their lives that shaped what they wanted when they grew up. But me, everything was smooth sailing until I graduated from school. Suddenly, I was thrown into the ocean with the ability to float, but not the ability to swim. But I'm happy that through God's guidance I have learned how to swim even if I still don't know where I'm going. I'm gonna keep getting good at swimming so that when I find my path, I'm gonna swim the hell towards it. And I bet you that I will be the universe's priority then.

Second quarter-life crisis issue is having someone to share all these unknowns with. Having someone to give my love to. Who actually deserves it. I got this huge ball of feelings that are spilling out of me which I'm rapidly giving to just about whoever seems to want them. And I have come to know that this is just wrong.

I have learned that in order for you to love someone, to truly love someone, you must have self-worth. Self-worth is like being awake from all the naiveness that love may bring. Self-worth is being conscious. Hence, love in its truest form must be the synchronization of both your heart and mind. Raw love is the devil. We tend to worship it and the grand gestures/martyrdom it comes with. We fall in love with the idea of being in love. But being in love, I have learned, is for those people who are whole, not seeking for completeness, who have self-worth, and who can be with anyone anywhere in the world, but they choose to stay with each other. Maybe that's why it's called being IN love because you're either in it or you're out. It's your choice.

But who knows? In every phase of someone's life, love's definition may change. For now, this definition is what I can accept.

I think self-worth is directly proportional to time. In time, life will be able to introduce you to yourself then that's the only moment when you'll be able to truly love someone. When you can have someone that will spend his/her life with you with content and comfort. When you can both be journeying together conquering the world.

Then again, let's stop defining love and just do it. Make it.

Old ID, elevator, vendo machine, and magnets

Yesterday, I went to my previous work's office. Upon entering the building, I felt some kind of familiarity. A sense of belongingness. A routine. I quickly showed my [old] work ID so I would be permitted to go inside. Then I was off to the elevator without letting the guards check my bag. (Got used to just going inside buildings due to the nature of my [previous] work.) I was a bit nervous. The only reason why I was going back there was because I had to sign necessary papers to make my leaving the company official.

Elevator doors opened to the floor of the office and I tiptoed on the way. I immediately saw one of the people from the administration team, and suddenly my heart jumped. Mixed feelings started flowing thru my body. I thought to myself why I was feeling THAT nervous. I left on a good note (I think... I thought.) so I had to relax. I opened the door and she just called my name right away, surprised to see me. I said hi and she gave me the papers to sign.

One by one, I saw the people that I used to come across with every single day for the past one year and a half not even knowing some of their names. Those people I knew, I was reluctant to give hugs to. I didn't know if I was allowed to. But those who I became close with, I couldn't help giving them tight ones. I looked around and it felt a bit like home, but I didn't belong there anymore. It felt like I was just an alumna visiting my alma mater.

I'd be forever grateful once belonging to this company. I DEFINITELY wouldn't be who I am today if I took the other job that was offered to me almost two years ago. Working in this company ruined my perspective with other companies out there. I feel like I have to compare the "others" to the standards of this company. Yes, there were enormous challenges, but once you get (which took me three months to do so) what the business was all about, you'd be willing to overcome them with no problems and complaints.

I stayed in the lobby for a while before leaving. I wanted to soak all the air in for the last time. I'll DEFINITELY miss the office, the chaos in the training area, the people, the big boss, and the frickin' vendo machine! My one-and-a-half-year stay in this company topped my twelve-year schooling when it comes to important skills to learn in life. Every single day, I felt my brain being fed more and more knowledge and wisdom. And apparently, along the way, it sort of got full that I wanted to see if there were things outside this company that may broaden my views in life even more. I got addicted to being curious. To maximizing opportunities. That was the main reason why I left.

Moving forward, I walk with my head up high carrying with me all the skills that I have developed to do even greater things. Again, I will be forever grateful to this company. It gave me confidence to follow my dreams. That if you want something SO bad, reaching for it is not enough. You have to jump and risk falling face down. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do now.

-----

Last week, an old friend texted for a meet-up with our old barkada (some of us, anyway). Unfortunately, we couldn't all make it due to the short notice. We ended up having it scheduled for last night instead.

Meeting up with the people you spent junior and senior proms with, 18th birthdays with, hours and hours on the phone with, heartbreaks with, laughing out loud with, time fighting with, and half of your life drinking with is just pure bliss. Suddenly, those things that bothered all of you about each other started appearing one by one and instead of being annoyed, you just laughed it off because you have limited time together. You just wanna enjoy every second of it.

Even if we only see each other once every six months maybe, we immediately jive. No awkward silences whatsoever. No need to be careful with harsh words. No need to walk on eggshells. Once we're all together, immediately, we go back to those moments in the cadlum area (canteen) just talking non-stop about anything under the sun. Anything that we're really passionate about. That's what I love about our barkada. Even if there are some misunderstandings or problems between us, we manage to go back to that moment wherein we just didn't care about the people around us and just did whatever it was that felt right at that certain moment.

It seems like we have built-in magnets inside us that somehow will eventually bring us all together again and again. And when we're all far away from each other, we have that distant longing between us. That longing to be together even if we belong in different poles. That longing that even if we don't feel, will only take one magnet to bring all (some) of us together. Again and again. Same place (anywhere), same time (anytime).

Reel Life

Most of the time we're like Crazy Little Thing Called Love. That stupid teenage love affair that makes you giggle. Sometimes we're some Sandra Bullock movie. Old Sandra Bullock movie. Like While You Were Sleeping or Two Weeks Notice or something. Sometimes it's 10 Things I Hate About You. We have an awesome OST, but everything is shallow and predictable. Smart, yet predictable. Very seldom we're A Walk to Remember or If Only or P.S. I Love You. Those moments I don't like. I avoid those moments because I'm always the one getting hurt. Or I always cannot handle when you're the one getting hurt. It's all melodramatic and exaggerated. I REALLY hate it. Sometimes we're all Science of Sleep or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I also hate those moments. It's like we're trying too hard to complicate something incredibly simple that it makes us dumb. I hate pretending to be dumb.

I love our Before Sunset moments where we just talk or be quiet together. I love those moments. I prolong those moments most of the time whenever I can. I like quiet. You seem to hate it, which is very weird.

Speaking of weird, sometimes we're Magic Mike. I don't wanna elaborate. It makes me uncomfortable. (It's not what you think.) Oooh, I also like our Dead Poets Society or Good Will Hunting moments where we have very intelligent conversations and it lasts for hours and instead of being enlightened about something, we actually get even more confused. I like those moments. Those are the moments when I feel that... I don't know. I just get this feeling in my stomach.

But at the end of the day I think we're just (500) Days of Summer. GREAT OST. Lots of Regina Spektor, who I LOVE. Great movie. Different and out of the box. (That's us; different and out of the box.) It's a taste of reality. It's a story of boy meets girl, but is not a love story. That's us. And it feels nice having realized that. It turns all the question marks into periods and exclamation points. It brings some kind of peace.

Now, just like every girl, I'm waiting for my Beauty and the Beast moment. I get impatient sometimes, but the Beast had to wait years for Belle to come so that puts things in perspective. (So I'm the Beast? :/) And to think, all the Disney princesses had to wait for their princes to "rescue" them so who am I to question Messrs Wilhelm and Jacob Grimm and Mister Walt.

But then sometimes I wonder. Maybe I should write my own story so I can be the main character of my own movie. I can be the leading lady (or the princess) and you can be... I don't know. I guess we'll have to see as a write it.

[untitled]

It's one of those moments when a shitload of jelly comes out of my mouth instead of comforting words to make that person feel even just a tiny bit better. My brain shuts down for some reason and I mumble.

I'm sorry I don't know what to say. I'm sorry all you heard from that phone call was "fuck". [I'm sorry I curse a lot.] I hope I can take all the pain away. [Stupid cliche.] I can only imagine what you're going through right now. I wanna give you a hug so bad and it's not even because you need it. [Ugh, distance is such a bitch. I hope someone gives you tight one where you are right this second.] I just cannot think of anything else to do to be useful to you. I wanna be useful. What can I do?

It's also one of those moments when I like playing the hero. (a.k.a. when I make everything about me not about you; a.k.a. me being a selfish fucker) When I want to save everyone from sorrow. If I could turn all the pain into marshmallows I would. Just give all the shit to me so you won't have to put up with it. Put it in a jar and I'll steal it like that jar of cookies. Flaunt it in fucking Baclaran and I'll snatch it from you! Just give me the pain and I'll deal with it.

Obviously this is all bullshit because you can't do any of these. [Ugh, jelly.] I just pray to God to give you strength to deal with all this. I'm so sorry this happened. If it happened to me, I probably wouldn't even take your call. Anyone's call. [Thanks for taking mine. Thanks for not shutting me out.]

You will be okay. You will find out how to cope and you will do your best to do it because we will make you. Accept all the hands that will be given to you. Please don't shut us out.

For now, just be strong.