A Peek of the Future Last Friday...

Last Friday, I finally got my diploma! After putting off claiming it for the past 4 years, I finally got it!

YEAH!

Two weeks ago I decided to go to graduate school. I wanna study Behavioral Economics or Social/Cognitive Psychology. Finally claiming my diploma legitimized my intent to go back to school. I've been in the zone reading books, articles, research papers, etc. to prepare my rusty brain. I CANNOT WAIT.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm really scared to go back to school. But it feels like I'm making the right decision because I'm experiencing calm anxiety. That means it's really important to me or that I really want it, and I'm ready. Finally having my diploma in my hands gave me nice and soothing palpitations.

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Last Friday, I got invited to watch a movie with friends. Only it wasn’t just “watching a movie” I was invited to. I would also be watching 2 of my closest friends get engaged!

#AnnaSaidYes

Uhh, it was so awesome! It was nice seeing highschool friends and witnessing the proposal together. It brought back all the memories and how they all make sense now.

Apart from the proposal, the most important thing that happened that night, for me, was being reunited with one of my best friends in highschool. When you have a peek of the future, you let go of what’s unnecessary and hold on to what’s important. That’s exactly what happened. I finally let go of the pride and the shit that comes with it, and held on to the friendship and the person. I’m so excited now to experience a better future together!

Congratulations, Anna and Chris!!!

While wiping off my tears after the proposal, I couldn’t help but think, “Kailangan payat na ako sa wedding!”

Cheers to the future! :)

Hangovers and Makulay na Daster

Things that happen after reading a Murakami or Kundera book, watching a Pixar film that poses as "for kids", or going to a gig of your childhood-favorite band... while drinking cocktails and 3 bottles of beer.

"Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay."

Ebe Dancel had a small gig in 12 Monkeys. He promised to play all Sugarfree songs. SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE.

The last time I watched Sugarfree play was the night they disbanded. And as if the sky knew what was happening, it rained pretty hard. I remember it clearly because while I was soaking wet jumping up and down, I stepped on shards of broken beer bottles. With my bleeding foot, I continued to sing along because... SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE.

I can't remember watching my first ever Sugarfree gig. I do remember following them around with my bestfriend when I was in highschool. We used to make Ebe, Jal, Mitch/Kaka sign our [very cool] phone cases...

because we honestly didn't have enough money to buy their actual album and have them sign it.

I remember how their songs spoke to me when I was going through things (a.k.a. puberty). I remember listening to all of them thinking, "P*cha, ako ba kausap mo? Sapul eh."

(FUN FACT: My favorite song is Cuida.)

And that's why I didn't care that I stood for 3 hours at 12 Monkeys that night. I didn't care that I was singing out loud while people on their prestigious tables were staring. "Kung pag-aari ko lang ang lumbay, itatago ko siya habang buhay." I mean... SUGAR [F*CKING] FREE!

And then I received a text from my sister...

At around Ebe's 5th song, I found out my grandmother (on my dad's side) passed away. She was gonna be 91 years old yesterday.

I immediately thought of my dad. Mama had been sick for months. She's in the States. Last February, my auntie asked my dad to visit them there. "Para makita mo naman one last time," she said. My dad went there alone to check up on her. He stayed at the hospital with her for a week. The last thing he said was, "Ma, aalis na ako bukas ah. I love you," then kissed her on the forehead.

Goodbyes are very important no matter how difficult they are to say.

My auntie called the other night. She's the one arranging everything for the wake. She was telling my dad that she had no idea where to put all of Mama's stuff. She had a lot of clothes that no one wanted. I remember seeing her in her colorful dasters all the time. Her pajamas and church clothes are the best because they had to match. They had to be made using the same fabric. It was so funny and adorable.

Makulay na dasters and terno clothes. That's how I'll always remember how awesome she was.

Rest in peace, Mama. Have fun with Ang Kong!

(So please forgive me if I turned down any lunch/dinner invite. It's a bed/blanket-burrito weekend for me I'm afraid.)

An Introvert's Journey to Adrenaline and Alcohol

"To the future..." started the toasts while immediately following up with, "but still thinking of the now!" *clink* "CHEERS!"

We have conquered Enchanted Kingdom (the happiest place in Laguna) today. A few of my quarter-year old highschool friends and I frickin' crushed Enchanted Kingdom! Who's #TitaOfManila now?! It was my first time riding Anchor's Away and I surprisingly liked it. After that, I didn't mind being the Official Bag Carrier of the group (because really, Space Shuttle? N-O_W-A-Y). Frickin' Anchor's Away, dude! I can do anything!

Before the trip, however, I was having mini-palpitations (being the abnormally anti-human/acute introverted person I have become lately) because I was gonna hang out with old friends I wasn't hanging out with for a long time. "What are the social norms involved? What exactly is the threshold of making 'too many' jokes? Does it even exist because what can go wrong with 'too many' jokes? Will they get annoyed and find out that that is how I calm myself and hide my anxieties? What is the appropriate distance between each other when taking pictures... unit of measure = inches?" These thoughts were running rapidly in my mind since yesterday and these exact thoughts were the ones that woke me up before the sun even rose this morning.

During the trip, after inducing a lot of caffeine, my normal-person self kicked in and I was on auto-pilot. I was still myself. But those insane thoughts going around my head got shut off.

Caffeine = 1, Acute Introversion = 0

I started having fun. Actually, have fun. Which was new since I've been feeling crappy lately. The most surprising thing was I was doing it amidst all these humans. These people. My friends. My close friends. My bestfriends. It was a weird feeling. Familiar, but weird.

Since it's a Sunday and everyone had shit to do tomorrow, we had to leave at 5pm. (This is a lie. We left early 'cause WE WERE TIRED. DO NOT JUDGE OUR AGEING BODIES!) It took just one of us to say, "Tara, isang pitcher lang tapos uwi na agad." to throw those shit to-dos in the trash.

Adrenaline took its toll on all of our ageing bodies, but none of us could resist the evil that alcohol brings in all of us. EQs were let loose and tensions were piled on the table like there's no tomorrow. Suddenly, "hugot" became an understatement. "Hukay," "Dukot," "Labas," "Hukot" (which is not a word) and even "Bet!" and "Floor Wax" had whole new meanings. Prides were exposed and confrontations happened. It was gonna be a crazy night and I was relieved that my EQ was still intact and my anxieties are already fast asleep.

Amidst all the tension, we also talked about real-world stuff like how to start a business, benefits of networking, not pressuring yourself to be your other quarter-year old friends who are more successful, etc. It was interesting to see how all of our outlooks changed compared to when we were still in highschool. It's funny how we have all grown up and still have a lot of unanswered questions in life. When I was in highschool, I imagined myself now to have it all figured out. I imagined that my life would be smooth and perfect without exerting an ounce of effort. But life is a joker. It fools you to think that you know everything, but then it suddenly changes the game and you're lost again. The hard part is... you still have to continue playing.

I'm not sure where I wrote it, but I still believe that all of us, my close friends and I, have magnets inside us. No matter what happens, no matter how many tensions, prides, egos, or just flat out shit are piled up on the table, we will still be pulled towards each other. That is just how it's going to be. We may drift apart due to time or distance, but at the end of it all we will always be drawn towards each other.

So friends, we have no choice. We're all in this together. Always.

PS: LIVE FOR THE JOURNEY! *wink*

Old ID, elevator, vendo machine, and magnets

Yesterday, I went to my previous work's office. Upon entering the building, I felt some kind of familiarity. A sense of belongingness. A routine. I quickly showed my [old] work ID so I would be permitted to go inside. Then I was off to the elevator without letting the guards check my bag. (Got used to just going inside buildings due to the nature of my [previous] work.) I was a bit nervous. The only reason why I was going back there was because I had to sign necessary papers to make my leaving the company official.

Elevator doors opened to the floor of the office and I tiptoed on the way. I immediately saw one of the people from the administration team, and suddenly my heart jumped. Mixed feelings started flowing thru my body. I thought to myself why I was feeling THAT nervous. I left on a good note (I think... I thought.) so I had to relax. I opened the door and she just called my name right away, surprised to see me. I said hi and she gave me the papers to sign.

One by one, I saw the people that I used to come across with every single day for the past one year and a half not even knowing some of their names. Those people I knew, I was reluctant to give hugs to. I didn't know if I was allowed to. But those who I became close with, I couldn't help giving them tight ones. I looked around and it felt a bit like home, but I didn't belong there anymore. It felt like I was just an alumna visiting my alma mater.

I'd be forever grateful once belonging to this company. I DEFINITELY wouldn't be who I am today if I took the other job that was offered to me almost two years ago. Working in this company ruined my perspective with other companies out there. I feel like I have to compare the "others" to the standards of this company. Yes, there were enormous challenges, but once you get (which took me three months to do so) what the business was all about, you'd be willing to overcome them with no problems and complaints.

I stayed in the lobby for a while before leaving. I wanted to soak all the air in for the last time. I'll DEFINITELY miss the office, the chaos in the training area, the people, the big boss, and the frickin' vendo machine! My one-and-a-half-year stay in this company topped my twelve-year schooling when it comes to important skills to learn in life. Every single day, I felt my brain being fed more and more knowledge and wisdom. And apparently, along the way, it sort of got full that I wanted to see if there were things outside this company that may broaden my views in life even more. I got addicted to being curious. To maximizing opportunities. That was the main reason why I left.

Moving forward, I walk with my head up high carrying with me all the skills that I have developed to do even greater things. Again, I will be forever grateful to this company. It gave me confidence to follow my dreams. That if you want something SO bad, reaching for it is not enough. You have to jump and risk falling face down. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do now.

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Last week, an old friend texted for a meet-up with our old barkada (some of us, anyway). Unfortunately, we couldn't all make it due to the short notice. We ended up having it scheduled for last night instead.

Meeting up with the people you spent junior and senior proms with, 18th birthdays with, hours and hours on the phone with, heartbreaks with, laughing out loud with, time fighting with, and half of your life drinking with is just pure bliss. Suddenly, those things that bothered all of you about each other started appearing one by one and instead of being annoyed, you just laughed it off because you have limited time together. You just wanna enjoy every second of it.

Even if we only see each other once every six months maybe, we immediately jive. No awkward silences whatsoever. No need to be careful with harsh words. No need to walk on eggshells. Once we're all together, immediately, we go back to those moments in the cadlum area (canteen) just talking non-stop about anything under the sun. Anything that we're really passionate about. That's what I love about our barkada. Even if there are some misunderstandings or problems between us, we manage to go back to that moment wherein we just didn't care about the people around us and just did whatever it was that felt right at that certain moment.

It seems like we have built-in magnets inside us that somehow will eventually bring us all together again and again. And when we're all far away from each other, we have that distant longing between us. That longing to be together even if we belong in different poles. That longing that even if we don't feel, will only take one magnet to bring all (some) of us together. Again and again. Same place (anywhere), same time (anytime).

Because your love, your love, your love is my drug

I FINALLY had human (other than my family of course) contact today. It was such a relief when one of my bestfriends texted me to hangout. It's always exciting when we hang out together because we have "jonders talks". Haha! "Jonders talks" = mature talks about life, love, friends, and everything else. It's when we overcome our A.D.D.'s and all other mental disorders/deficiencies (an exaggeration OF COURSE) to analyze our surroundings. It sounds oh, so formal, but it SO is not. So when she texted me about the hangout, we immediately set the date and had it.

I found out just when I was on my way that my other bestfriend was also coming. That got me even more excited because the three of us rarely hang out. We could LITERALLY talk the whole day (I cannot emphasize the "LITERALLY" enough because we seriously already did.) about just one thing or just one memory. I bet we could have "jonders talks" for weeks.

So that's what we did (kinda). We hung out at a coffee shop and just talked about random stuff. Random memories. That made me subconsciously ignore my depressing self. Yep, I've been depressed for a while, and it's kinda nice to just stop and hear hilarious stories and fucked up ones. Also, I figured out that I wasn't only depressed, I was also lonely. I thought I would NEVER feel that. I'm a big preacher of "it doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone". I was always comfortable at being alone. I never knew how this felt. I guess you only feel it once you actually interact with people because then you'll notice the difference. The difference from having your bestfriends around to staying in your room reading an awesome book or watching movies (which I both LOVE to do alone). The difference between hanging out with my bestfriends and hanging out with my bedroom furnitures.

Then we went to the house of my bestfriend. The "jonders talks" got even deeper. I loved how they understood EXACTLY how I felt and knew EXACTLY what to say. I loved how they were also going through what's been fucking me up recently. We talked about the "curse", the pressure, the expectations, etc. And when you see your bestfriend cry, you shut up and just hug. Just hug to let her know that you're ALWAYS going to be there for her. That we're always going to be there for each other.

I cannot emphasize enough how I want this friendship between the three of us to last forever. I'm actually in the verge of tears right now because I really feel strongly about this. I'm always the peson who's very independent and who usually does not need anyone to live. But I've realized throughout our friendship that I actually need them. And that scares me a bit. It scares me that I might need them more than they need me. That I might love them more than they love me.

Only hangouts with them can make us forget that the world is actually spinning. Time stops for a while when we're together. We're completely indifferent with the things going on around us. Only all of us together can make us forget that the world is actually out there. That there will be a tomorrow. That we have to face reality again after tonight.


That the frickin' planet Venus just passed by across the sun a while ago.

Once a Bunny, Always a Bunny

I was watching TV in my room one afternoon and then I heard a knock on my door. It was our maid. She told me that 2 guys were waiting for me outside. I didn't believe her. She told me to look outside the window and see. I did. And then I immediately reached for the remote and turned the TV off. The remote dropped and broke while I ran to the bathroom to take a bath.

Why were they here? Why now? I thought I was gonna go his house later that night. It takes me about 15-20 minutes to take a bath. And 10 minutes for me to dress up and another 5 to gather my things and put them in one bag (Thank God I already picked out my outfit the night before or they were gonna have to wait much MUCH longer.).

After about 30 minutes of panicking, I went downstairs and greeted them with an apology. Oh how I missed these guys! But obviously, I gots to be cool because me one of zze boyz! Haha! I could tell they kinda missed me, too. Oh how I love my guy friends! I missed just randomly getting picked up by my close friends. [The Smiths' "There is a light that never goes out" playing in my head (Take me out tonight. Take me anywhere. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.)]

We went to pick up my bestfriend and my friend's girlfriend. I gots a feeling we gonn be [kinda] complete tonight! We finally arrived to my friend's house (a.k.a. epic inuman venue). Another guy friend was already there. We were almost complete. We played Bullshit. Friend's girl is not that good at bullshitting. HAHA! It's pretty funny. 2 more friends arrived. Then off to dinner.

Damn, friend's mother's cooking is amazing. My mouth wanted more, but my stomach already refused entry. Then out came the booze. Bacardi and Jager, baby! :D Let's get this shindig started. (Girl friend arrived uber late, but it was SOOO nice seeing her again. FINALLY!)

I missed this. I missed hanging out with this bunch of bunnies. We talked about stupid things, about dreams of becoming a pop star, about memories, about real things, about real feelings, about wanting to get mad but couldn't, about stupid girlfriends, about long-distance relationships, about EVERYTHING. I miss talking to people who know me. Who understand me. It's a lot easier when that's the case.

We didn't talk about the future. I feel like we're all on the same page when I say that the future stresses all of us out. That night was a break from all the pressure future brought. And that's what I love about that night. We didn't talk about what would happen the next day. Every conversation was enough to last just for the night. If a meteor crushed us all that night, it would've been ok. I cannot emphasize how much I missed hanging out with these people in these circumstances.

That night, I realized that even if everything around us changed, we didn't. We stayed the same bunch of bunnies. Yes, we're more mature now and a lot cooler (yeah! :p), but we still dealt with each other the same. We were the same people the first time we all got together in that Cadlum Hall. Yes, there are rifts here and there, but even those can't ruin the closeness love between this group of bunnies. And there are no words that can bulls-eye that thing within all of us that connects us. It's kinda like a built-in GPS or HDD inside us that makes us track or remember why we belong in this group.

In a way, that night made us even closer than we were in highschool. Our maturity and coolness (:p) made us interact with each other more effectively. Friendships were renewed and rifts became not so far apart as before. And those made me hope that maybe in the far future, we will still be able to spend time together without having to think about what'll happen the next day.

I know I have dependency issues, but I secretly hope nights like this happened every week. At least every month. :)

I love Sumisenti Bunnies/Cadlum Bunnies so much!