Instant Happiness is Instant

I've probably already posted hundreds of video chat grabs on my Facebook. And here's another one. I just really wanna remember moments like this when I needed someone to cheer me up so bad and this k-razyy bunch of weirdos happen to do just that via video chat. (Distance is a bitch. And in this case, also the epic the weather. O__O) I wanna document moments when it only took ONE text message containing only TWO syllables to make me feel a BILLION times happier.

I will forever be grateful for having this k-razyy bunch of weirdos in my life. :)

And just like that, maybe I won't need to call that hotline.

Bipolarity, Randomness, Sleepiness

TAKE ONE:
[I used to think I had nothing to say. That I could handle everything on my own. But I actually wanna scream. I wanna burst out in tears. I actually wanna talk. And now that I have something to say, I find myself talking to a wall. I've been talking to a wall all this time.]

TAKE TWO:
[I've been on this Merry-Go-Round (which by the way is my favorite ride in amusement parks) for so long now. I'm already very dizzy. I wanna get off so bad, but I wanna get my money's worth. But is it really worth it when I already feel like vomiting?]

TAKE THREE:
[I'm not gonna fall for that bait you're dangling. I'm gonna keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming.]

TAKE FOUR:
[It's funny when a dog chases its tail. It'll try to catch its tail around and around and around until it can't anymore. I like it when it stops and gives up. That implies that the dog learned it's impossible to chase your tail. I don't like it when it does the chasing over again.]

TAKE FIVE:
["CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" I hear a soft reply. Then I say even louder, "IS ANYBODY THERE?!" I can't quite make out the reply. I decide to listen very carefully as I screamed for the last time, "HELLO??!" I hear a faint, "Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello." Just an echo. No one's here.]

TAKE SIX:
[Jelly melly felly kelly celly nelly delly pelly. I wanna turn into jelly.]

(This is what I get for listening to Jason Mraz in the shower.)

I miss your THE touch. I miss THE hugs and kisses... I miss THE affection.

I don't know if it's just a sign of ageing or something, but I'm now feeling the need to have a "certain someone". The need for someone to hold me whenever it's frickin' cold at night and tell me that the storm will eventually stop. The need for someone who I can cuddle with and hold my hand all thru the night. The need for someone...

These feelings are at their worst every night. (I don't really notice them in the morning.)

I sometimes fantasize about you. (Not the ew-kinky kind of fantasizing.) I fantasize you lying down next to me. Talking to me. Holding me. Listening to me. Laughing with/at me. And then we eventually fall asleep together...

I fantasize that you're here, beside me. Not in another continent.

It's insanely crazy that I'm still hanging on to you. I can't even remember how you look like anymore. We barely even had time alone together. I don't know why I hang on to you still. Maybe it's 'cause you were the last one. Or the one after the last one. The very last one who made sense.

I wish I could go there. I wish you could come here.

Then again, you probably don't even remember me.


Love is blinding when your timing's never right
Oh but who am I to beg for difference
Finding love in a distant instant
But I don't mind


Oh love at least I tried, well I tried...

Because your love, your love, your love is my drug

I FINALLY had human (other than my family of course) contact today. It was such a relief when one of my bestfriends texted me to hangout. It's always exciting when we hang out together because we have "jonders talks". Haha! "Jonders talks" = mature talks about life, love, friends, and everything else. It's when we overcome our A.D.D.'s and all other mental disorders/deficiencies (an exaggeration OF COURSE) to analyze our surroundings. It sounds oh, so formal, but it SO is not. So when she texted me about the hangout, we immediately set the date and had it.

I found out just when I was on my way that my other bestfriend was also coming. That got me even more excited because the three of us rarely hang out. We could LITERALLY talk the whole day (I cannot emphasize the "LITERALLY" enough because we seriously already did.) about just one thing or just one memory. I bet we could have "jonders talks" for weeks.

So that's what we did (kinda). We hung out at a coffee shop and just talked about random stuff. Random memories. That made me subconsciously ignore my depressing self. Yep, I've been depressed for a while, and it's kinda nice to just stop and hear hilarious stories and fucked up ones. Also, I figured out that I wasn't only depressed, I was also lonely. I thought I would NEVER feel that. I'm a big preacher of "it doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone". I was always comfortable at being alone. I never knew how this felt. I guess you only feel it once you actually interact with people because then you'll notice the difference. The difference from having your bestfriends around to staying in your room reading an awesome book or watching movies (which I both LOVE to do alone). The difference between hanging out with my bestfriends and hanging out with my bedroom furnitures.

Then we went to the house of my bestfriend. The "jonders talks" got even deeper. I loved how they understood EXACTLY how I felt and knew EXACTLY what to say. I loved how they were also going through what's been fucking me up recently. We talked about the "curse", the pressure, the expectations, etc. And when you see your bestfriend cry, you shut up and just hug. Just hug to let her know that you're ALWAYS going to be there for her. That we're always going to be there for each other.

I cannot emphasize enough how I want this friendship between the three of us to last forever. I'm actually in the verge of tears right now because I really feel strongly about this. I'm always the peson who's very independent and who usually does not need anyone to live. But I've realized throughout our friendship that I actually need them. And that scares me a bit. It scares me that I might need them more than they need me. That I might love them more than they love me.

Only hangouts with them can make us forget that the world is actually spinning. Time stops for a while when we're together. We're completely indifferent with the things going on around us. Only all of us together can make us forget that the world is actually out there. That there will be a tomorrow. That we have to face reality again after tonight.


That the frickin' planet Venus just passed by across the sun a while ago.

Just Passing By

This is my university campus. Yep, it's awesome. I have graduated from it a few months ago. During these few months, I would go back here to meet up with friends and fix my clearance and shit. I would always feel that I still belonged here. That I still wanted to stay. Today, I fixed everything that I needed to fix. And most of my friends are going to graduate this year. I would have no reason (except for special occasions, of course) to go back here.

While I was walking from my college to our organization tambayan, I looked around to find people that I knew. There were none. Even though our campus is GINORMOUS, you would always see someone familiar. I didn't see anyone today.

I realized that though I love this campus so much. I didn't belong to it anymore. I felt like a visitor. I didn't see it as a bad thing though. It made me realize that I have to move on to the next place that I will belong to. Though there is a part of me that is forever going to be in this campus, the parts that are left need to move on.

I'm very happy to have belonged in this place. And I'm also very excited to find out which place I will belong to next. :)

[Can't wait to see the sunflowers this April! ;p]

Once a Bunny, Always a Bunny

I was watching TV in my room one afternoon and then I heard a knock on my door. It was our maid. She told me that 2 guys were waiting for me outside. I didn't believe her. She told me to look outside the window and see. I did. And then I immediately reached for the remote and turned the TV off. The remote dropped and broke while I ran to the bathroom to take a bath.

Why were they here? Why now? I thought I was gonna go his house later that night. It takes me about 15-20 minutes to take a bath. And 10 minutes for me to dress up and another 5 to gather my things and put them in one bag (Thank God I already picked out my outfit the night before or they were gonna have to wait much MUCH longer.).

After about 30 minutes of panicking, I went downstairs and greeted them with an apology. Oh how I missed these guys! But obviously, I gots to be cool because me one of zze boyz! Haha! I could tell they kinda missed me, too. Oh how I love my guy friends! I missed just randomly getting picked up by my close friends. [The Smiths' "There is a light that never goes out" playing in my head (Take me out tonight. Take me anywhere. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.)]

We went to pick up my bestfriend and my friend's girlfriend. I gots a feeling we gonn be [kinda] complete tonight! We finally arrived to my friend's house (a.k.a. epic inuman venue). Another guy friend was already there. We were almost complete. We played Bullshit. Friend's girl is not that good at bullshitting. HAHA! It's pretty funny. 2 more friends arrived. Then off to dinner.

Damn, friend's mother's cooking is amazing. My mouth wanted more, but my stomach already refused entry. Then out came the booze. Bacardi and Jager, baby! :D Let's get this shindig started. (Girl friend arrived uber late, but it was SOOO nice seeing her again. FINALLY!)

I missed this. I missed hanging out with this bunch of bunnies. We talked about stupid things, about dreams of becoming a pop star, about memories, about real things, about real feelings, about wanting to get mad but couldn't, about stupid girlfriends, about long-distance relationships, about EVERYTHING. I miss talking to people who know me. Who understand me. It's a lot easier when that's the case.

We didn't talk about the future. I feel like we're all on the same page when I say that the future stresses all of us out. That night was a break from all the pressure future brought. And that's what I love about that night. We didn't talk about what would happen the next day. Every conversation was enough to last just for the night. If a meteor crushed us all that night, it would've been ok. I cannot emphasize how much I missed hanging out with these people in these circumstances.

That night, I realized that even if everything around us changed, we didn't. We stayed the same bunch of bunnies. Yes, we're more mature now and a lot cooler (yeah! :p), but we still dealt with each other the same. We were the same people the first time we all got together in that Cadlum Hall. Yes, there are rifts here and there, but even those can't ruin the closeness love between this group of bunnies. And there are no words that can bulls-eye that thing within all of us that connects us. It's kinda like a built-in GPS or HDD inside us that makes us track or remember why we belong in this group.

In a way, that night made us even closer than we were in highschool. Our maturity and coolness (:p) made us interact with each other more effectively. Friendships were renewed and rifts became not so far apart as before. And those made me hope that maybe in the far future, we will still be able to spend time together without having to think about what'll happen the next day.

I know I have dependency issues, but I secretly hope nights like this happened every week. At least every month. :)

I love Sumisenti Bunnies/Cadlum Bunnies so much!

Thanks for the rescue! :) ++

Just grateful to a friend who spent the weekend with me. I've been feeling like shit since last week so it was really nice not to wallow in depression and sulk for a change.

We didn't do anything special or whatever, but it's kinda nice to not do anything with someone. (Yep, I think I just slept the whole time.)

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On another note, I figured out that making two worlds meet makes me anxious. Two sides of me that is. Sides that are not as simple as just the good and bad. It's kinda like mixing ice cream with chowder. O__O

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On another other note, I'm going to Singapore on Thursday! :) We're celebrating my sister's birthday. Oh, how I miss traveling. Oh, how I miss airports. I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WAIT! Weee!

Suggestion Box

I don't ask. I don't know how. It's probably 'cause I, myself, don't wanna be asked.

I'm sorry for not asking. I'm sorry I'm not there. I wanna be there so bad. It's just that I kinda have my own shit too. I'm kinda stuck in this black hole and I don't know what to do. If you could just wait for me, that'd be grand. I hope I don't take too long.

For now, I can only offer my occasional presence, hugs and shoulder to lean on. I hope they do. For now.

I miss you. I miss me. I miss us... all of us.

On wanting more...

I dreamt of you last night. We were talking. It was pretty serious. It kind of felt like we were in gradeschool again. At one point we laughed together. I miss that.

And then I woke up.

I immediately said to myself, "Why in a dream? Why not here? Right now?" And then I realized that can never be. But I just really wanna see and ask you why you left us.

I have NO idea why you affect me so much. But I seriously wouldn't mind you answering my questions in my dreams tonight.

See you...

The Tale of the Lost Remote Control

When you lose the remote control for the TV after watching a movie, it seems unbearable. In that particular moment, it seems so excrutiating to read the words coming from the bottom of the screen to the top. You start looking for the remote control and it feels like you've already wasted a whole lot of time. 2 minutes seem like forever. You are now angry and you turn your surroundings upside down. You are just about to stop looking and just turn the TV off when you finally find it. You start to calm down and flip through the channels. You find that in most of the channels, all you see are credits. It's that time of the night wherein every movie in every channel has just finished. (7pm/9pm/11pm) You decide to wait. Then you start getting impatient so you just settle on a documentary that interests you or probably the news. And then you fall asleep.

When you lose something very valuable to you, it is impossible not to miss it. Time may fool you and make you believe that you don't but there will be moments wherein that feeling of helplessness emanates. There's no way to completely get over it. You have to have some kind of a powerful memory to overcome that feeling. Or maybe another loss would do it.

Losing the remote control of your TV is much simpler because in the back of your head, you're 100% sure you'll find it. It's in the same room as you are. And that's the reason why you get so angry and impatient that you don't find it fast enough. It's so near but you can't see it. In a way, you need that anger and impatience to continue to look for it because you know you really need it to change the frickin' channel.

But what if you start losing more complicated things like people, inspiration, identity, or independence. The anger and impatience will be different. It'll be quiet and stagnant and annoying. That push to look for those things will be gone. No one will convince you to look for it. Maybe not even yourself. But the thing is, no one has to. You just have to realize that the thing you lost is in the same room as you are. That'll drive you crazy and only then will you be 100% sure that you'll find it.

And I swear, when I find it, I'm not just gonna fall asleep. I'm gonna watch the best damn movie and finish it.