Sunday, December 11, 2011

Because I'm just a kid [at heart] and I have been good this year...


I wish there were no such things as sicknesses and diseases and disorders. Everyone would just exist without worrying about what will happen to them. A carefree life. [A careLESS life] Worry. That's the devil. I wish there was no such thing as worrying. When people hear bad news, they'd just skip the worrying part and fast forward to having a clear head to be able to solve the problem. Worrying intesifies the fear. It turns fear into a mutant one.

Today, I heard one of those kinds of news. The one that can make you have massive palpitations right after drinking brewed coffee. When you hear something that might determine your future, you start hyper-speed thinking. Your head starts to ache and you're just ruined for the rest of the day (maybe even the week/month). Those aren't the "appropriate" reactions but those are the initial ones for a paranoid person like me. When I heard the news, I start thinking why it's come to this. Why did I let this get out of control? Bakit ang tigas ng ulo ko? I think I need a therapist who can answer all these. I almost always understand myself, but this one... This is too Da-Vinci-Code-esque for me to decipher. I just got really scared and again, I started to worry so bad. Whenever this happens to me, I cover my ears and close my eyes for me to calm myself down. I don't wanna hear or see anything so I can give way for my brain to work properly. I just wish that by doing that, I could actually get some answers.

I know the directions and how to get to where I wanna go. I just have no idea why it's so hard for me to take that first step. I just wish the people around me motivate me the right way, but I know that's asking WAY too much. Plus, everything that I do will be up to me. No matter how much people around me offer motivations, it'd be me who will still make the first move. Everything that's happening to me, I only have myself to blame.

Whenever life slaps you in the face, you start taking it seriously. It leaves a giant mark on your face to remind you that it means business. I guess all I gotta do is ALWAYS look myself in the mirror and see that slap mark.