In the middle of August, I read something online about this thing called "Morning Pages". The rule is to write 3 pages every morning about anything under the sun. It doesn't have to be good. You don't even have to read it. Its goal is to eliminate what's blocking your creativity. What's blocking what you actually want to write. It gets rid of your word vomit so creativity can come out and slap itself on paper.
I started in the middle of August. Since it's now the 31st, I decided to read my word vomits for the latter half of August. I wasn't writing every single day (and I usually write every night) so I only had 16 pages to read.
I noticed that in between all the mess (word vomit), there were parts that really made a lot of sense. There were parts that rose above all the shit. There were parts that really hit home.
08-11:
My shit didn't seem as shitty as their shit. My shit didn't even seem like legit shit.
The person causing the problem, I thought, was also the cure for how horrible I was feeling.
08-12:
...That day felt like his day. It was like he was controlling the course of my day.
I woke up the next day feeling all fucked up. Fucked up but wanting to continue the dream still because sometimes, I'd rather endure hell knowing that he'll be there with me.
08-13:
I always think about him whenever my world stops. Whenever I do the most boring and empty things in my life.
And it kinda slapped me in the face because while I'm forgetting about him, he's also forgetting about me.
And whenever you're breaking a person's heart, I've learned, you have to be cruel.
08-14:
I think at the end of the day, you just gotta love what you decide to do for the rest of your life.
08-15:
There's this birthday card that had resurfaced my desk because Tita Evelyn cleaned it... I actually don't know why I didn't send it... For some reason, I just didn't feel like it.
08-17:
...when your heart breaks, it also breaks your self-worth. It brings you down and crushes your confidence.
08-19:
I was just afraid he'd message me or something. We're doing too well for either of us to contact the other. Glad he didn't. Kinda...
08-31:
I hate surprises. I hate him just popping without notice.
When will the pain stop?! When will time kick in and start doing its job?
Whatever happened between us already makes sense to him. He already learned something from what happened. I'm still working on my lesson to learn from all this shit.
I'm now looking forward to making this a habit this September. Things that come out of these Morning/Night Pages are very interesting. By writing and reading them, I'm getting to know myself bit by bit. It's a start in piecing my self-worth back together. It's a start towards loving myself again.
And I promise I will have different topics to write about this time.
Showing posts with label The Routine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Routine. Show all posts
Monday, August 31, 2015
Monday, September 1, 2014
Goodbye Sad Songs and Isolated Islands
My iPod and book JUST got stolen. My almost 10-year old iPod and my friend's (whoops. SORRY!) mangled copy of The Lord of the Flies JUST got stolen. My two bestfriends during my commute every morning and night. Now gone.
Every morning, I listen to my iPod to drown all the thoughts in my head. Thoughts that make me feel like a zombie again. They say time heals everything. It's been quite a while and I'm still here. I listen to music to make the time bearable. To trick my head that I'm moving along with time. It kinda works because before I know it, I'm already in the office. Without the memory of how I got there.
Every night, I read my book while waiting in line for the shuttle home. I read to transport myself to a world where you don't exist. Where I am just living vicariously with the characters in the book. Where even just for a while, I won't be in pain. I can conquer the world alongside the main character and forget you. For a while. I can't read in the shuttle so I close my book and you appear again. I miss you and I'm back from where I started.
The next day, I do the same. This has been my routine for almost 2 months. I'm tired.
One of my bestfriends (human one) asked me, "What do you want? What do you want from him? Do you wanna be with him?"
"No, I don't wanna be with him. Not exactly. I wanna feel that I'm actually worth an awkward conversation. That I'm worth the effort. Because I couldn't handle not being his favorite person. I want him to wanna talk about the real stuff. The hard stuff. I just wanted to be worth something to him, you know? I wanna say sorry. It was stupid how I broke down and didn't explain. I'm always ready to jump off a sinking ship without thinking who I'm gonna leave behind. I did what I did because I didn't wanna lose him. But I guess losing him was inevitable." is what I should've said. But the too-proud-inarticulate-not-wanting-to-explain me just said, "I don't know."
These are the thoughts that I have to drown every morning and night. Now I don't have anything to drown them with. To the hipster robber who stole my 10-year old iPod with all my sad songs and my friend's copy of The Lord of the Flies, there is a special place in hell waiting for you.
Every morning, I listen to my iPod to drown all the thoughts in my head. Thoughts that make me feel like a zombie again. They say time heals everything. It's been quite a while and I'm still here. I listen to music to make the time bearable. To trick my head that I'm moving along with time. It kinda works because before I know it, I'm already in the office. Without the memory of how I got there.
Every night, I read my book while waiting in line for the shuttle home. I read to transport myself to a world where you don't exist. Where I am just living vicariously with the characters in the book. Where even just for a while, I won't be in pain. I can conquer the world alongside the main character and forget you. For a while. I can't read in the shuttle so I close my book and you appear again. I miss you and I'm back from where I started.
The next day, I do the same. This has been my routine for almost 2 months. I'm tired.
One of my bestfriends (human one) asked me, "What do you want? What do you want from him? Do you wanna be with him?"
"No, I don't wanna be with him. Not exactly. I wanna feel that I'm actually worth an awkward conversation. That I'm worth the effort. Because I couldn't handle not being his favorite person. I want him to wanna talk about the real stuff. The hard stuff. I just wanted to be worth something to him, you know? I wanna say sorry. It was stupid how I broke down and didn't explain. I'm always ready to jump off a sinking ship without thinking who I'm gonna leave behind. I did what I did because I didn't wanna lose him. But I guess losing him was inevitable." is what I should've said. But the too-proud-inarticulate-not-wanting-to-explain me just said, "I don't know."
These are the thoughts that I have to drown every morning and night. Now I don't have anything to drown them with. To the hipster robber who stole my 10-year old iPod with all my sad songs and my friend's copy of The Lord of the Flies, there is a special place in hell waiting for you.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Morning Rituals and Keeping Up with the Awesomeness
Alarm goes off at 4 in the morning. I hit snooze. I hit snooze 348756 times until it's 5:20am. I stand up. Finally.
I go to the bathroom. I bring my iPad and phone. I check my messages. I read. I think. I make most of my life's decisions in my bathroom. I finally take a bath. All this takes about 45 minutes to an hour.
I dress up. Oh, the dressing up. I seem to always love matching pink and green, green and brown, and blue and green. I either end up looking like a watermerlon or Mother Earth. I comb my hair and hastily grab all my stuff since I'm probably already running late because I couldn't decide which fruit I will dress up as that day. One quick glance around my room checking if I've forgotten anything, then I'm off.
I go to my parents' room to say goodbye. They're all still sleeping so I just sneak in to kiss my parents goodbye. My sister's stuck in the middle of my parents with her mouth wide open so I leave her alone.
I go down and eat breakfast. 10 minutes tops, then I'm off to my daily commute.
Tricycle. As the wind blows on my face, I put day cream on it. Sun block because... climate change.
Shuttle/FX. Oh the FX and its infinitely limited space. Once I reach the place where I take a jeep to the MRT, I check if my legs are still connected to my body. If they are, I continue.
Jeep. EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE.
MRT. The stairs. The stairs are my morning enemy. Even if I DETEST how the MRT is being run by whoever, I actually love this part of my morning. Once I'm in the train, I put my earphones on, press Shuffle in my iPod, and finally I'm in a bubble for 30 minutes.
Bubble time. Oh, how I maximize those 30 minutes I have "all to myself." I put my earphones on and suddenly I'm bestfriends with Beyonce, Hayley Williams, Adele, Ingrid Michaelson, Armi Millare, Sara Bareilles and Regina Spektor. I suddenly have a concert and the #HumansofEDSA are my audience. Even The Script, Jason Mraz, Coldplay, The Smiths, Ed Sheeran, and Two Door Cinema Club attend my concert. It's AWESOME. Everyday, they attend. Everyday, IT'S AWESOME.
Today was different. Today, my earphones broke. My earphones broke and I didn't have my Bubble Time. My Bubble Time that I always look forward to every weekday morning. My 30 minutes "all to myself." No Beyonce...
Have you put Mentos in a newly opened Coca-Cola bottle? Have you watched an eruption of any volcano? Have you ever blacked out in a plane due to intense anxiety/anger because a baby is crying on top of his/her lungs? Or have you blacked out in general? All these happened to me at the same time in 3 seconds.
But after that, my perky/always positive thinking/taking control/won't-let-anything-ruin-my-day/I-can-always-turn-shit-around self kicked in. And I sang. Not out loud. Not out loud, but with conviction. I damn well sang my Beyonce and bobbed my head along with the bobbing of the train. I sang. I sang my frickin' heart out.
I sang my frickin' heart out because sometimes, when life breaks your earphones, you just gotta close your eyes, own the stage, and sing acapella to the #HumansofEDSA.
After all, they came all the way from wherever, sweating under the heat of the sun just to see you.
To-do list:
- Make life buy you new earphones!
I go to the bathroom. I bring my iPad and phone. I check my messages. I read. I think. I make most of my life's decisions in my bathroom. I finally take a bath. All this takes about 45 minutes to an hour.
I dress up. Oh, the dressing up. I seem to always love matching pink and green, green and brown, and blue and green. I either end up looking like a watermerlon or Mother Earth. I comb my hair and hastily grab all my stuff since I'm probably already running late because I couldn't decide which fruit I will dress up as that day. One quick glance around my room checking if I've forgotten anything, then I'm off.
I go to my parents' room to say goodbye. They're all still sleeping so I just sneak in to kiss my parents goodbye. My sister's stuck in the middle of my parents with her mouth wide open so I leave her alone.
I go down and eat breakfast. 10 minutes tops, then I'm off to my daily commute.
Tricycle. As the wind blows on my face, I put day cream on it. Sun block because... climate change.
Shuttle/FX. Oh the FX and its infinitely limited space. Once I reach the place where I take a jeep to the MRT, I check if my legs are still connected to my body. If they are, I continue.
Jeep. EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE EMERTEE.
MRT. The stairs. The stairs are my morning enemy. Even if I DETEST how the MRT is being run by whoever, I actually love this part of my morning. Once I'm in the train, I put my earphones on, press Shuffle in my iPod, and finally I'm in a bubble for 30 minutes.
Bubble time. Oh, how I maximize those 30 minutes I have "all to myself." I put my earphones on and suddenly I'm bestfriends with Beyonce, Hayley Williams, Adele, Ingrid Michaelson, Armi Millare, Sara Bareilles and Regina Spektor. I suddenly have a concert and the #HumansofEDSA are my audience. Even The Script, Jason Mraz, Coldplay, The Smiths, Ed Sheeran, and Two Door Cinema Club attend my concert. It's AWESOME. Everyday, they attend. Everyday, IT'S AWESOME.
Today was different. Today, my earphones broke. My earphones broke and I didn't have my Bubble Time. My Bubble Time that I always look forward to every weekday morning. My 30 minutes "all to myself." No Beyonce...
Have you put Mentos in a newly opened Coca-Cola bottle? Have you watched an eruption of any volcano? Have you ever blacked out in a plane due to intense anxiety/anger because a baby is crying on top of his/her lungs? Or have you blacked out in general? All these happened to me at the same time in 3 seconds.
But after that, my perky/always positive thinking/taking control/won't-let-anything-ruin-my-day/I-can-always-turn-shit-around self kicked in. And I sang. Not out loud. Not out loud, but with conviction. I damn well sang my Beyonce and bobbed my head along with the bobbing of the train. I sang. I sang my frickin' heart out.
I sang my frickin' heart out because sometimes, when life breaks your earphones, you just gotta close your eyes, own the stage, and sing acapella to the #HumansofEDSA.
After all, they came all the way from wherever, sweating under the heat of the sun just to see you.
To-do list:
- Make life buy you new earphones!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Thieves That Love to Steal
It's been a week and a half since the start of summer vacation. Since then, there's been a ginormous body print of myself on my bed. One that may probably be permanent. I came up with this wake-up-breakfast-sleep-lunch-sleep-TV-internet-dinner-watch-movies-slash-play-PC-games-midnight-snack-sleep(@around4am) Routine which i followed for 5 straight days. My body blew up like a balloon with Tungsten Hexafluoride gas (at room temperature). I didn't notice it because I was busy telling myself, "This is the life!"
The last time I saw my friends was the weekend before I started The Routine. I was preparing myself to miss them real bad. My clingy-ness and I are mortal enemies. I almost always can't stand being away from friends. Whenever we say goodbye to each other, I feel like they're taking something valuable from me that I always look forward to getting back. Before undergoing The Routine, I promised myself that I was going to hide that valuable thing where they cannot see and take it. It was the perfect plan because I was going to be away from my friends for a long time since summer's arrived. (I don't usually take summer classes because I believe that summer VACATION is made to be had. But that argument is not for here.)
During the first week until yesterday, I was proud of myself because I wasn't missing them that much. I hid it well, I thought. I wasn't texting anyone, "haymissyou" or the plain and sincere, "I miss you." I wasn't posting to anyone's Facebook wall as usual. I was detached to the world and was VERY proud of it. But then today came. I had to go to school because I was gonna get a new ID (my current ID has lost its purpose of being able to identify me), ask the Econ admin about my priority status next semester (breathes deeply), and attend an org meeting. I found myself not looking forward to doing and finish doing all those things. I was looking forward to going to our tambayan and seeing my friends. When I finally met up with them, I couldn't shut myself up, and at the same time, I didn't wanna shut them up. I wanted to talk and hang out with them until it is physically impossible for us to stand each other. Our org meeting lasted for almost 2 hours because I couldn't stop myself from reacting to every little thing that my friends said (sorry about that by the way). When it was time to say goodbye, I only hugged the person that I may not be able to see for a long time. I didn't feel the need to hug the others because I will see them again real soon. When I was in the car, I realized that I had missed them all along. I was just stopping myself from smothering them with cheesiness because I figured that a person who shows his/her emotions often can become a target to people who are more than ready to hurt him/her. Being so attached to people melts down your shield and makes you vulnerable to anything. Being too attached is like having AIDS. It attacks your immune system and messes it up real bad so a little bump or scratch can be real fatal to the person.
The Routine was the best distraction. That valuable thing that I thought I hid oh so well was actually with them all this time. And now I got it back again. From now on, I will hide that valuable thing where NO ONE can find it. I will set up traps and mazes, check up on it everyday to make sure that it won't be stolen again, and hope that I can actually keep this up. I will bury it real deep so people can have a hard time digging it up. I must keep my friends as far away from it as possible. Those scheming little thieves!
The last time I saw my friends was the weekend before I started The Routine. I was preparing myself to miss them real bad. My clingy-ness and I are mortal enemies. I almost always can't stand being away from friends. Whenever we say goodbye to each other, I feel like they're taking something valuable from me that I always look forward to getting back. Before undergoing The Routine, I promised myself that I was going to hide that valuable thing where they cannot see and take it. It was the perfect plan because I was going to be away from my friends for a long time since summer's arrived. (I don't usually take summer classes because I believe that summer VACATION is made to be had. But that argument is not for here.)
During the first week until yesterday, I was proud of myself because I wasn't missing them that much. I hid it well, I thought. I wasn't texting anyone, "haymissyou" or the plain and sincere, "I miss you." I wasn't posting to anyone's Facebook wall as usual. I was detached to the world and was VERY proud of it. But then today came. I had to go to school because I was gonna get a new ID (my current ID has lost its purpose of being able to identify me), ask the Econ admin about my priority status next semester (breathes deeply), and attend an org meeting. I found myself not looking forward to doing and finish doing all those things. I was looking forward to going to our tambayan and seeing my friends. When I finally met up with them, I couldn't shut myself up, and at the same time, I didn't wanna shut them up. I wanted to talk and hang out with them until it is physically impossible for us to stand each other. Our org meeting lasted for almost 2 hours because I couldn't stop myself from reacting to every little thing that my friends said (sorry about that by the way). When it was time to say goodbye, I only hugged the person that I may not be able to see for a long time. I didn't feel the need to hug the others because I will see them again real soon. When I was in the car, I realized that I had missed them all along. I was just stopping myself from smothering them with cheesiness because I figured that a person who shows his/her emotions often can become a target to people who are more than ready to hurt him/her. Being so attached to people melts down your shield and makes you vulnerable to anything. Being too attached is like having AIDS. It attacks your immune system and messes it up real bad so a little bump or scratch can be real fatal to the person.
The Routine was the best distraction. That valuable thing that I thought I hid oh so well was actually with them all this time. And now I got it back again. From now on, I will hide that valuable thing where NO ONE can find it. I will set up traps and mazes, check up on it everyday to make sure that it won't be stolen again, and hope that I can actually keep this up. I will bury it real deep so people can have a hard time digging it up. I must keep my friends as far away from it as possible. Those scheming little thieves!
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