A Peek of the Future Last Friday...

Last Friday, I finally got my diploma! After putting off claiming it for the past 4 years, I finally got it!

YEAH!

Two weeks ago I decided to go to graduate school. I wanna study Behavioral Economics or Social/Cognitive Psychology. Finally claiming my diploma legitimized my intent to go back to school. I've been in the zone reading books, articles, research papers, etc. to prepare my rusty brain. I CANNOT WAIT.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm really scared to go back to school. But it feels like I'm making the right decision because I'm experiencing calm anxiety. That means it's really important to me or that I really want it, and I'm ready. Finally having my diploma in my hands gave me nice and soothing palpitations.

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Last Friday, I got invited to watch a movie with friends. Only it wasn’t just “watching a movie” I was invited to. I would also be watching 2 of my closest friends get engaged!

#AnnaSaidYes

Uhh, it was so awesome! It was nice seeing highschool friends and witnessing the proposal together. It brought back all the memories and how they all make sense now.

Apart from the proposal, the most important thing that happened that night, for me, was being reunited with one of my best friends in highschool. When you have a peek of the future, you let go of what’s unnecessary and hold on to what’s important. That’s exactly what happened. I finally let go of the pride and the shit that comes with it, and held on to the friendship and the person. I’m so excited now to experience a better future together!

Congratulations, Anna and Chris!!!

While wiping off my tears after the proposal, I couldn’t help but think, “Kailangan payat na ako sa wedding!”

Cheers to the future! :)

Not so Quarter-Life Crisis

Lately, I've been having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. I've been keeping it on the DL though because I don't really have the luxury of time to actually ponder on these two things that bother me.

First, the ever-pressuring topic of Le Career. See, I graduated last October 2011. That's three years ago. Three LONG years ago. When our dean was handing me that diploma that I worked my ass off for, I believed that I would be someone somewhere I would be successful in in the future. Yes, my dreams were that vague. Maybe that's why the universe got confused and wouldn't prioritize me until I actually knew exactly what I wanted. Fast forward three years from that moment when it was honestly my first time meeting our dean, I still don't know what I want. Good thing I realized that there is no pressure in knowing what you want out of life.

Some people are lucky that since birth, their parents have inception-ed them to be whatever it is that they want to be. They had direction. And there are those people who had something amazing/traumatic happen in their lives that shaped what they wanted when they grew up. But me, everything was smooth sailing until I graduated from school. Suddenly, I was thrown into the ocean with the ability to float, but not the ability to swim. But I'm happy that through God's guidance I have learned how to swim even if I still don't know where I'm going. I'm gonna keep getting good at swimming so that when I find my path, I'm gonna swim the hell towards it. And I bet you that I will be the universe's priority then.

Second quarter-life crisis issue is having someone to share all these unknowns with. Having someone to give my love to. Who actually deserves it. I got this huge ball of feelings that are spilling out of me which I'm rapidly giving to just about whoever seems to want them. And I have come to know that this is just wrong.

I have learned that in order for you to love someone, to truly love someone, you must have self-worth. Self-worth is like being awake from all the naiveness that love may bring. Self-worth is being conscious. Hence, love in its truest form must be the synchronization of both your heart and mind. Raw love is the devil. We tend to worship it and the grand gestures/martyrdom it comes with. We fall in love with the idea of being in love. But being in love, I have learned, is for those people who are whole, not seeking for completeness, who have self-worth, and who can be with anyone anywhere in the world, but they choose to stay with each other. Maybe that's why it's called being IN love because you're either in it or you're out. It's your choice.

But who knows? In every phase of someone's life, love's definition may change. For now, this definition is what I can accept.

I think self-worth is directly proportional to time. In time, life will be able to introduce you to yourself then that's the only moment when you'll be able to truly love someone. When you can have someone that will spend his/her life with you with content and comfort. When you can both be journeying together conquering the world.

Then again, let's stop defining love and just do it. Make it.

Just Passing By

This is my university campus. Yep, it's awesome. I have graduated from it a few months ago. During these few months, I would go back here to meet up with friends and fix my clearance and shit. I would always feel that I still belonged here. That I still wanted to stay. Today, I fixed everything that I needed to fix. And most of my friends are going to graduate this year. I would have no reason (except for special occasions, of course) to go back here.

While I was walking from my college to our organization tambayan, I looked around to find people that I knew. There were none. Even though our campus is GINORMOUS, you would always see someone familiar. I didn't see anyone today.

I realized that though I love this campus so much. I didn't belong to it anymore. I felt like a visitor. I didn't see it as a bad thing though. It made me realize that I have to move on to the next place that I will belong to. Though there is a part of me that is forever going to be in this campus, the parts that are left need to move on.

I'm very happy to have belonged in this place. And I'm also very excited to find out which place I will belong to next. :)

[Can't wait to see the sunflowers this April! ;p]

Decisions (big ones) and Moments with Friends (little ones)

Last October, I found out I was gonna be an Octoberian. After the Econ 122 (HARDCORE financial economics course) scare, I actually thought I was gonna be an April 2012 baby. But I managed to maintain my Economics Weighted Average (EWA) so here I am. Though I don't have any proof yet that I already graduated (no diploma or TOR yet because of the damn slow-ass admin), I can give you my grades in all the 137++ units I took.

Finding out I was actually done with college was a blast at first. I was glad that all that hardwork actually paid off. All those here-comes-the-suns, pimples, readings, caffeine in my blood, scolds from my landlady, etc. It was done. That was it. But then when it was beginning to sink in, I started getting scared. I didn't think I was ready to face the world outside of school (I don't like calling it "real world" because wherever you are, that is your real world). College was my comfort zone. If I could get paid to be a perpetual student, I'd SO be! But reality slapped me in the face and reminded me that I belong in a Filipino family that expects its children to eventually provide for their parents and siblings once they start working. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with that (a little). Heck, I wanna spoil my parents to death! And that's exactly why I got scared in the first place; because I was being pushed to execute everything that I have planned my entire school life. I'm now expected to make the right decisions because the decisions I make from now on are the ones that will matter. The ones that will help me execute those very ambiguous plans.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Before, I could make them in a snap. Green or Blue? Green! (:p) Heels or flats? Flats! Jeans or leggings? Jeggings! Harry Potter or Twilight? You're stupid! There were moments when it was a little more complicated. Cellphone or laptop? hmm... Sleep or coffee right before an exam? hmm... To do thesis or drink with an old friend? hmmmm... (:p) Now, there is a whole new level of mutant complication in making decisions. To take a break first and just chill for a while or look for a job right away? To take that job that pays WAY less than your expected salary because you're after the experience or screw experience and bring me the moolahs?! Everything is moving too fast. The world is not even waiting for me to make my decisions. Maybe I'm the one who's moving too slow. If that's the case, then I MUST pick up the pace. It's very comforting to know that my parents are there to guide me with these decisions. I feel like I'm walking on a string blindfolded, and I'm glad my parents are there screaming which direction I should go to.

I must make big decisions from now on because whatever I come up with right now WILL matter in the long run. I must make do with that damn string and slowly lift that blindfold over my head until I can clearly see what's up ahead.

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On another note... I had my gradwar (:p) celebration last weekend. Of course there were booze (lots and lots of them), food (also lots and lots of them), and friends (just a few of them). [♪♫ These are a few of my favorite things. ♫♪] I wanted to spend a night with my close friends maybe for the last time (not an emo statement... just facing reality...). I wanted to do things that we always did before. Eat, drink, get drunk, laugh, make fun of others, make fun of each other, eat, drink, get drunk. I never really liked hosting an event or "party" but for these people, I would do a lot more. These people tolerated my corny jokes, my sudden emotional shifts, my opinions, my laziness, my grammar corrections, my foul comments, my judging self, ME. These people put up with me and the craziness I came with. I love these people to death. I say "I love you" way too many times, but this time, I really mean it. I do not understand how these people managed to let me in to their lives. I have trouble letting people in mine, but with them, it was as easy as blinking my eyes. It also happened that fast. In just one blink, these people became part of my routine. I hate to think that that was the last time I was going to see them. I'm still hopeful, but I will not expect. Destiny. :)

For now, I will hang on to the little moments these people left me with. The arguments we let pass because even if we know we're all smart, we are better friends with each other. That one night when I had no place to sleep in and you guys accompanied me in Jollibee. The "Why do you think WE SHOULD hire you?" moment. That one night we ate Isko-ramble and stayed at the track oval to chat. That time when we raided bookstores in different malls. Those times in Sarahs/Drews/Delish/Sefali. Sleep overs in my house. New Year's eve in MOA. The egg yolks sucked. And who in her right mind would give an Octoberian sunflower seeds because there are no sunflowers in UP for Octoberians? :) These crazy people make me even crazier. But in a very good and kinda high way. :p

I love you guys so much. And it's almost scary how I mean it. Will still wait on destiny to do its job. :)

One Tear, Left Eye

I have waited for you for so long! Today is the ultimate GV day. GV day that consists of a facial, foot spa, mani-pedi, shopping for a new pair of shoes, AND THIS! :D

Disclaimer: I'M NOT GRADUATING YET

When I was in my senior year in highschool, I didn't want to go to college anywhere else but in UST. Everything was already set up in my head. I was gonna go to college with one of my bestfriends, we were gonna go home together everyday, hang out, etc. I was gonna study Psychology, which got me excited even more. I felt that UST was a big enough pond for a big enough fish like me to swim in. But my parents pushed me to go to UP. I didn't wanna go to UP. It was the Pacific Ocean, and I was a poor little Pandaka Pygmaea. I spent my summer vacation convincing them to let me go to the school that I want and got in to. I sulked and sulked until they finally got to me. They brought up the "financial issues" and I had no choice but to oblige. Parents will do/say whatever they can to manipulate you to also want what they want.

Fast forward:
I was still frustrated that I wasn't in the course that I wanted. I wanted to study Psychology, but since the quota is as high as frickin' Mt. Everest, I decided to apply to my second love, Economics. I'm now in my third year as an Economics major, and so far, I haven't had to drag to myself to go to [some of] my classes. It's funny how everything can change completely in a relatively short span of time. My parents now hate that I'm in UP because, to put it simply, it turned me into a person who thinks about stuff. They hate that I always have an opinion on almost everything. They hate that I answer back to them. "Nung bata kami hindi kami sumasagot sa mga magulang namin!" (Baka naman walang tinatanong.) They can't accept that life does not wait for them. That they can get stuck and the world will just keep spinning and changing. They already promised themselves they weren't gonna let my little sister go to UP. Which might change since people/they are, in general, capricious. Also, I learned to enjoy my [current] stay in UP. I found out a lot about myself, other people, and the things around me. I learned how to stand on my own two feet and not need any other set of feet but my own. I learned how to open my mind and be receptive on the views of others. It is now easier for me to pick the friends that I should keep and those that I should drop. Even though I'm not graduating this semester (which technically I should be), I now realize that I wouldn't have learned all these things if I went to UST or any other school. I wouldn't have met a set of friends that I will keep forever. I wouldn't have experienced riding a jeepney while my pants were ripped in half. I wouldn't have experienced eating nothing but street food because I didn't have food in my boarding house.

It never occurred to me that a little fish can actually grow into a big enough fish to fit in to the Pacific Ocean. I am and will forever be thankful that I got to experience (and still experience) the UP life.