Swimming Pools and the Monster

I had a dream about a week after It happened...

I dreamt that I was in a resort with many swimming pools. I walked around and did not feel the urge to get in any of them. I just wanted to… look around. Some pools were weird. One had strong waves. One had green water. One had someone cleaning it. I got lost looking around this resort with weird pools and I started to panic. That’s when I woke up.

I searched for “pools” in my go-to dream website and it said, “To see a pool of water in your dream indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.” (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/p4.htm)

After It happened, I was trying really hard to contain my emotions and compartmentalize. I’m very good (expert) at this so I was confident I could handle it. I had to put my feelings away because I had to function normally. But no matter how I secured and locked my feelings into a box, the monster kept trying to creep out.

It's surprising and overwhelming how this particular monster easily escapes my heavily guarded box and manages to show itself when I'm in meetings, in my car alone, in bed before I sleep, and in my dreams.

One of my close friends asked me, “Is this your first heartbreak?” My answer was, “No. But this is the most in-your-face-you-NEED-to-get-hurt-and-FEEL-it heartbreak ever.” Everything happened so abruptly. It felt like a bad car crash. I guess this is what I get for wanting to get to my destination as fast as I could...

It’s been more than a month now since it happened and I still see him everywhere. I hate how my sacred me-times have now been compromised. For some reason, he only shows up when the memories associated with him are good ones. I think when your heart is crushed and beaten, your brain automatically focuses on good memories instead of bad ones to comfort your breaking heart. Or to probably try to make sense of everything that happened.

There were numerous red flags before it ended. But it was so easy for me to ignore them because… I liked the company. I liked being picked up from work. I liked having dates. I liked that someone liked to be with me. I liked how I was liked… finally.

As I gain my rational self back, I’m slowly realizing how bad those red flags were. It amazes me how your brain can get hi-jacked just because your heart beats a little faster and your stomach occasionally flutters. I see those flags clearly now and it makes me sad because they invalidate the moments and the feelings they come with. It makes me doubt if everything was real or... made up.

I’m starting to think that the main reason why the monster is able to escape from my secured box is because… I let it. Sometimes, all the monster has to do is knock once. Then I find myself scrambling for the key to let it out. When it starts to hurt me, that’s when I try to brutally wrestle with it and push it back in my secured box. Then I cry myself to sleep because… I’m exhausted.

There is some lesson to be learned here, I know. But right now, I’m just trying to ignore the knocks from my box. And maybe after a while, it will eventually get tired. Maybe after a while, when I finally decide to open the box again, it won't try to hurt me anymore. Maybe after a while, it will be my friend (CLARIFICATION: the monster not him).

Maybe after a while, this monster will help create a new me. A new me that is again... liked.