"Oh, it's just me."

“You’re here for vacation? Who are you with?”

“Oh, it’s just me.”

Most of the people who asked me that question just nodded and said, “Oh…” As if to say, “Oh, I get it. You’re probably doing that That Thing Called Tadhana thing. Aww…” Or maybe, “Oh, you’re soul searching. Like how Julia Roberts ate, prayed, and loved.” Or maybe, “Oh, that’s kinda weird. Stay away from me, you weirdo.”

Honestly, the main reason I wanted to go to Bohol is… I WANTED TO GO TO BOHOL. I’ve always wanted to see the Chocolate Hills and the huge stretch of white sand in Panglao. I didn’t go because I was escaping or trying to “find myself” or whatever. I went because I wanted to.

At first, I was super excited. I AM an independent woman and I was travelling alone. I felt like I could do anything. But as the trip got nearer and nearer, I started getting nervous. Can I really go all the way to Visayas on my own? I don’t even speak their language! They’re gonna hate my weird trying-real-hard-to-be-normal-amongst-strangers-so-I-become-super-perky self! But oh well, I already paid for the flight, hotel, and everything. I just have to put on my normal-human mask and I’ll be fine.

When I went around the city, I didn’t really care about the people (tourists) around me because there were a lot of things to see and learn. I didn't mind the stares they shot me when they find out I'm alone. I like doing city tours because that’s when you truly feel and grasp the culture of a place.  When you see people doing the most mundane things, that’s when you truly know their “patterns”. Boholanos, I found out, are really friendly and welcoming. Tagbilaran, after all, is the City of Friendship. My weird humor is not that well-received though. I keep making the service staffs laugh wherever I’m going, but they seem to misunderstand what I mean. It’s probably the language barrier. They probably don’t understand my jokes. Of course, that’s the reason. I KNOW I’M FUNNY!

I think when you’re travelling alone, you get to experience things on a higher level. Everything is amplified. Food tastes better (or worse if they’re bad), sceneries are more overwhelming, and stares are more noticeable. I think it’s because there are no one distracting you from truly experiencing everything you eat, see, smell, hear, and feel. You only worry about yourself and for me, that’s the most relaxing thing. Whenever I’m travelling with people, I always worry if they’re enjoying my company. I get dragged to adventure-y places to do adventure-y stuff. If something goes wrong, I always worry that they might get pissed off. Now that I’m alone, I’m completely worry and stress free.

Now, I’m finally here in Panglao! The beach is just amazing. The low tide upped my amazement even further! The sand is super powdery, it feels like walking on clouds. Uh, it’s so beautiful!

The thing about beaches though is time seems to slow down. There’s nothing much to do but chill (or it’s probably just in my case since I don’t like water adventure things). Every experience is once again amplified. My thoughts (evil ones, sad ones, happy ones, etc.) got louder. It felt like my day was being written by Haruki Murakami. Suddenly, everything around me and everything I did had existential meanings. I loved and hated it…

I loved it because I finally get to hear my thoughts! I actually have time to listen. I’m usually just tired from the commute every single day after work that I don’t even get to think about things anymore. Now I have the whole day to recharge my thoughts. But too much thinking can lead you to a trap. I suddenly noticed myself crying on the beach because of these unruly thoughts.

Two days before my trip, something happened. I bumped into someone I didn’t see for more than a year. He didn’t see me, but I saw him. I did the double take and everything so I could really make sure it was him. It was him, alright. My initial reaction was pure panic. I started hyperventilating. When I finally calmed myself down, I started asking questions.

What does this mean?! Why now?! I was doing so well. I was moving on! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING, UNIVERSE?! Ugh, destiny sucks.

When I saw him, all feelings came back. Both good ones and bad. I wonder if he felt my presence during that particular moment when I saw him. Scientists recently proved that the “bend” in space and time actually exists when there’s intense gravity present. I wonder if that’s true in an ultimately minute scale, say between two people. Are they able to feel the weight between them? Are they able to feel the unevenness of the weight? Is it painful for the both of them? These were the questions I asked the ocean this morning as it swallowed my tears.

These questions will obviously remain unanswered. For now, I’ll just do my best and enjoy the few hours I have in this paradise. Once I go back to reality, I will do the thing I do best. Fake it until I make it. I think I’m awesome at that. The reason it’s hard for now is ‘cause I’m not there yet. I haven’t MADE it. So I just have to be patient and not ask dumb questions to the majestic ocean and ruin perfectly good sunrises.