PS: When I'm pissed off, just shut up 'cause I'm singing in my head.

When I woke up this morning, I felt the good vibes flowing in me. I slept for 12 hours [after a loooongg day of ushering students from grades 5 and 6 to attend an environmental lecture] and I felt like I was in heaven. I had no morning classes so that was a ginormous plus. I was so ready to have the most perfect day ever. I went to the library to meet up with my thesis partner and distribute tasks. After that, I had the most boring class EVER then I went to our organization's tambayan to meet up with friends and make my perfect day even more perfect.

The minute I opened the tambayan door, I saw an old friend. One scream did not do justice to how excited I was to see her. I hugged her real tight and immediately caught up with what was up with her life. We haven't seen each other for a little less than a year. We talked about law school, guys, gays, love lives, dead ends and grocery stores. Random things could not escape our conversation. It was real nice to see her. It was always a merry-go-round ride everytime I talk to her. It was always smooth and flowy and it feels like it will go on forever.

Eventually, she had to leave so it was just me and my other close friend in the tambayan. We talked about issues of people around us. She talked to me about one of my closest (best) friends in the organization and the shit that that person has been going through lately. I felt like such a bad "best" (the necessity for quotation marks will be explained later) friend because even if I knew all these things about him, I didn't have the push to bring it up whenever that person is around.

I don't know how to ask a person about his/her problems. I always feel awkward because I, myself, don't like being asked about my shit in life so I don't know how to handle these things. I don't like people asking me about my problems because I feel like they're gonna react the wrong way ("awww" or "it's ok") and I'm just gonna feel even shittier. I have massive trust issues so I'm worried that people might give me the wrong advice. I'm used to dealing with my problems on my own because I know who I am and I know how I do things my way. Some may call it "independence", but I call it "pride". My pride has become abnormally big (due to some circumstances) that it is close to impossible to swallow it. Some people may think it's easy to swallow their pride (maybe because they don't have any), but it is an ENORMOUS struggle for me (I think it's a disorder). I was raised to stand on my own two feet without needing any foot but my own, so bare with me.

I looked back and figured out how I dealt with my bestfriends since highschool. I realized that we lasted this long because they were the ones who would just tell me about their problems/worries. I needn't ask them. Starting a conversation with the goal to know what the problem of whoever I'm talking to is such a struggle to me so I feel like I could never be a good bestfriend. (It's not an emo statement. I'm just purely stating what I think.) I don't like meddling with other people's shit because I don't like being meddled with (how many times must I emphasize this in this entry?). When I'm already in the conversation, that's when I can work my magic. I feel like something or someone must set the mood first before I talk to the person about his/her shit. I'm a pretty good listener and I give real good advice (no humility here, I'm really good... you just have to give me time to think). I guess that's what made my bestfriends since highschool stay with me. I can be real funny most of the time, but I can also be intensely emotional. I just feel bad because even if I know that one of my bestfriends is dealing with his shit, I'm just here, helplessly struggling how to approach him, and watching him deal with the shit on his own when I'm willing to clean up all the shit with him.

[There's still one more thing that I realized about myself today, but I think it'd be better to have a separate entry for that. It's quite heavy.]

So the "perfect day" ended with a dinner (plus tea) with my close friends, lots and lots of trivia from a friend who could shorten them once in a while, finally having a one-on-one session with THAT bestfriend, and me abruptly stopping on my way to our boarding house while screaming in my head because of the staring contest I had with a frog who thinks he's boss.