Lately, I've been having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. I've been keeping it on the DL though because I don't really have the luxury of time to actually ponder on these two things that bother me.
First, the ever-pressuring topic of Le Career. See, I graduated last October 2011. That's three years ago. Three LONG years ago. When our dean was handing me that diploma that I worked my ass off for, I believed that I would be someone somewhere I would be successful in in the future. Yes, my dreams were that vague. Maybe that's why the universe got confused and wouldn't prioritize me until I actually knew exactly what I wanted. Fast forward three years from that moment when it was honestly my first time meeting our dean, I still don't know what I want. Good thing I realized that there is no pressure in knowing what you want out of life.
Some people are lucky that since birth, their parents have inception-ed them to be whatever it is that they want to be. They had direction. And there are those people who had something amazing/traumatic happen in their lives that shaped what they wanted when they grew up. But me, everything was smooth sailing until I graduated from school. Suddenly, I was thrown into the ocean with the ability to float, but not the ability to swim. But I'm happy that through God's guidance I have learned how to swim even if I still don't know where I'm going. I'm gonna keep getting good at swimming so that when I find my path, I'm gonna swim the hell towards it. And I bet you that I will be the universe's priority then.
Second quarter-life crisis issue is having someone to share all these unknowns with. Having someone to give my love to. Who actually deserves it. I got this huge ball of feelings that are spilling out of me which I'm rapidly giving to just about whoever seems to want them. And I have come to know that this is just wrong.
I have learned that in order for you to love someone, to truly love someone, you must have self-worth. Self-worth is like being awake from all the naiveness that love may bring. Self-worth is being conscious. Hence, love in its truest form must be the synchronization of both your heart and mind. Raw love is the devil. We tend to worship it and the grand gestures/martyrdom it comes with. We fall in love with the idea of being in love. But being in love, I have learned, is for those people who are whole, not seeking for completeness, who have self-worth, and who can be with anyone anywhere in the world, but they choose to stay with each other. Maybe that's why it's called being IN love because you're either in it or you're out. It's your choice.
But who knows? In every phase of someone's life, love's definition may change. For now, this definition is what I can accept.
I think self-worth is directly proportional to time. In time, life will be able to introduce you to yourself then that's the only moment when you'll be able to truly love someone. When you can have someone that will spend his/her life with you with content and comfort. When you can both be journeying together conquering the world.
Then again, let's stop defining love and just do it. Make it.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
The Dance
I dance but I don't know how.
I step my left foot then my right,
Move my hips then my hands.
That familiar tune I always dance to.
On my own with my eyes closed,
I dance.
You joined me in my trance.
Closed eyes, I didn't notice.
When I opened them, there you were,
Dancing in front of me.
You held out your hand.
I stared at it, confused.
I took it.
My hand fit it in yours perfectly.
We became one.
Oh, what harmony!
We danced and we danced.
You showed me some moves.
I tried some, some I couldn't do.
I didn't wanna stop dancing.
I forgot the feeling,
The feeling of dancing by myself.
One day,
You changed the tune.
Then she came.
She joined us.
You gave your other hand to her.
Oh, she's beautiful.
She's beautiful when she dances.
The grace, the flow, the beauty!
Your hand still in mine.
Her hand in yours.
Then we would all dance.
We would dance to your tune.
You would look into my eyes,
And everything would make sense.
Then you would look into hers,
I would get lost in the rhythm.
There'd be times I'd get dizzy,
But you would hold on to me.
You would hold on to me tight.
It feels like you will never let go.
So I don't.
Oh, the ecstasy!
Sometimes, it would get crowded.
Crowded where we used to dance,
Dance, just the two of us.
Oh, how I want to just dance with you,
Holding both of my hands,
Instead of just one.
Sometimes, I just wanna change the tune,
Or turn it off all together,
But I love the way you hold my hand,
Tight as we dance.
And the way you smile,
When you watch her dance.
One day, I will learn,
How to dance just like her.
But before that, I have to let go.
Let go of your hand,
That is tight around mine.
I hope when I come back,
You'd be standing by the jukebox,
Alone, waiting for me.
Waiting for me to have our first last dance.
I step my left foot then my right,
Move my hips then my hands.
That familiar tune I always dance to.
On my own with my eyes closed,
I dance.
You joined me in my trance.
Closed eyes, I didn't notice.
When I opened them, there you were,
Dancing in front of me.
You held out your hand.
I stared at it, confused.
I took it.
My hand fit it in yours perfectly.
We became one.
Oh, what harmony!
We danced and we danced.
You showed me some moves.
I tried some, some I couldn't do.
I didn't wanna stop dancing.
I forgot the feeling,
The feeling of dancing by myself.
One day,
You changed the tune.
Then she came.
She joined us.
You gave your other hand to her.
Oh, she's beautiful.
She's beautiful when she dances.
The grace, the flow, the beauty!
Your hand still in mine.
Her hand in yours.
Then we would all dance.
We would dance to your tune.
You would look into my eyes,
And everything would make sense.
Then you would look into hers,
I would get lost in the rhythm.
There'd be times I'd get dizzy,
But you would hold on to me.
You would hold on to me tight.
It feels like you will never let go.
So I don't.
Oh, the ecstasy!
Sometimes, it would get crowded.
Crowded where we used to dance,
Dance, just the two of us.
Oh, how I want to just dance with you,
Holding both of my hands,
Instead of just one.
Sometimes, I just wanna change the tune,
Or turn it off all together,
But I love the way you hold my hand,
Tight as we dance.
And the way you smile,
When you watch her dance.
One day, I will learn,
How to dance just like her.
But before that, I have to let go.
Let go of your hand,
That is tight around mine.
I hope when I come back,
You'd be standing by the jukebox,
Alone, waiting for me.
Waiting for me to have our first last dance.
Monday, February 10, 2014
vicarious pleasures
She went outside to smoke while her friends get hit on inside the bar. Her friends wear provocative clothing and pretend to be annoyed by the lame guys buzzing around them. The truth is, they're desperate for the attention.
"Can I have a light?"
"Uh, yeah."
She wanted to be left alone. The whole talking-to-a-stranger is weird to her.
"So girl's night out tonight?"
"Uh, something like that. One of my friends got promoted. We're kinda celebrating."
"You don't like celebrations?" he said while attempting to make rings with his smoke.
"Uh, no, I just needed some air. It's getting hot in there."
"Hence the smoking."
"Yeah," she said with a forced laugh.
She wanted to finish smoking and go back inside, but she remembered what all her friends were doing. She just wanted to go home and take a nice long bath.
-----
After meeting at the exhibit of her friend...
"C'mon just a cup of coffee."
She thinks about it for a while. She thinks of possible excuses.
"Fine. I have to stay awake for the commute home anyway."
He ordered hot coffee, she ordered iced.
She looks at the cup.
"So, it's Ron."
"Yeah, and yours?"
"Cece."
"Can I have a light?"
"Uh, yeah."
She wanted to be left alone. The whole talking-to-a-stranger is weird to her.
"So girl's night out tonight?"
"Uh, something like that. One of my friends got promoted. We're kinda celebrating."
"You don't like celebrations?" he said while attempting to make rings with his smoke.
"Uh, no, I just needed some air. It's getting hot in there."
"Hence the smoking."
"Yeah," she said with a forced laugh.
She wanted to finish smoking and go back inside, but she remembered what all her friends were doing. She just wanted to go home and take a nice long bath.
-----
After meeting at the exhibit of her friend...
"C'mon just a cup of coffee."
She thinks about it for a while. She thinks of possible excuses.
"Fine. I have to stay awake for the commute home anyway."
He ordered hot coffee, she ordered iced.
She looks at the cup.
"So, it's Ron."
"Yeah, and yours?"
"Cece."
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Old ID, elevator, vendo machine, and magnets
Yesterday, I went to my previous work's office. Upon entering the building, I felt some kind of familiarity. A sense of belongingness. A routine. I quickly showed my [old] work ID so I would be permitted to go inside. Then I was off to the elevator without letting the guards check my bag. (Got used to just going inside buildings due to the nature of my [previous] work.) I was a bit nervous. The only reason why I was going back there was because I had to sign necessary papers to make my leaving the company official.
Elevator doors opened to the floor of the office and I tiptoed on the way. I immediately saw one of the people from the administration team, and suddenly my heart jumped. Mixed feelings started flowing thru my body. I thought to myself why I was feeling THAT nervous. I left on a good note (I think... I thought.) so I had to relax. I opened the door and she just called my name right away, surprised to see me. I said hi and she gave me the papers to sign.
One by one, I saw the people that I used to come across with every single day for the past one year and a half not even knowing some of their names. Those people I knew, I was reluctant to give hugs to. I didn't know if I was allowed to. But those who I became close with, I couldn't help giving them tight ones. I looked around and it felt a bit like home, but I didn't belong there anymore. It felt like I was just an alumna visiting my alma mater.
I'd be forever grateful once belonging to this company. I DEFINITELY wouldn't be who I am today if I took the other job that was offered to me almost two years ago. Working in this company ruined my perspective with other companies out there. I feel like I have to compare the "others" to the standards of this company. Yes, there were enormous challenges, but once you get (which took me three months to do so) what the business was all about, you'd be willing to overcome them with no problems and complaints.
I stayed in the lobby for a while before leaving. I wanted to soak all the air in for the last time. I'll DEFINITELY miss the office, the chaos in the training area, the people, the big boss, and the frickin' vendo machine! My one-and-a-half-year stay in this company topped my twelve-year schooling when it comes to important skills to learn in life. Every single day, I felt my brain being fed more and more knowledge and wisdom. And apparently, along the way, it sort of got full that I wanted to see if there were things outside this company that may broaden my views in life even more. I got addicted to being curious. To maximizing opportunities. That was the main reason why I left.
Moving forward, I walk with my head up high carrying with me all the skills that I have developed to do even greater things. Again, I will be forever grateful to this company. It gave me confidence to follow my dreams. That if you want something SO bad, reaching for it is not enough. You have to jump and risk falling face down. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do now.
-----
Last week, an old friend texted for a meet-up with our old barkada (some of us, anyway). Unfortunately, we couldn't all make it due to the short notice. We ended up having it scheduled for last night instead.
Meeting up with the people you spent junior and senior proms with, 18th birthdays with, hours and hours on the phone with, heartbreaks with, laughing out loud with, time fighting with, and half of your life drinking with is just pure bliss. Suddenly, those things that bothered all of you about each other started appearing one by one and instead of being annoyed, you just laughed it off because you have limited time together. You just wanna enjoy every second of it.
Even if we only see each other once every six months maybe, we immediately jive. No awkward silences whatsoever. No need to be careful with harsh words. No need to walk on eggshells. Once we're all together, immediately, we go back to those moments in the cadlum area (canteen) just talking non-stop about anything under the sun. Anything that we're really passionate about. That's what I love about our barkada. Even if there are some misunderstandings or problems between us, we manage to go back to that moment wherein we just didn't care about the people around us and just did whatever it was that felt right at that certain moment.
It seems like we have built-in magnets inside us that somehow will eventually bring us all together again and again. And when we're all far away from each other, we have that distant longing between us. That longing to be together even if we belong in different poles. That longing that even if we don't feel, will only take one magnet to bring all (some) of us together. Again and again. Same place (anywhere), same time (anytime).
Elevator doors opened to the floor of the office and I tiptoed on the way. I immediately saw one of the people from the administration team, and suddenly my heart jumped. Mixed feelings started flowing thru my body. I thought to myself why I was feeling THAT nervous. I left on a good note (I think... I thought.) so I had to relax. I opened the door and she just called my name right away, surprised to see me. I said hi and she gave me the papers to sign.
One by one, I saw the people that I used to come across with every single day for the past one year and a half not even knowing some of their names. Those people I knew, I was reluctant to give hugs to. I didn't know if I was allowed to. But those who I became close with, I couldn't help giving them tight ones. I looked around and it felt a bit like home, but I didn't belong there anymore. It felt like I was just an alumna visiting my alma mater.
I'd be forever grateful once belonging to this company. I DEFINITELY wouldn't be who I am today if I took the other job that was offered to me almost two years ago. Working in this company ruined my perspective with other companies out there. I feel like I have to compare the "others" to the standards of this company. Yes, there were enormous challenges, but once you get (which took me three months to do so) what the business was all about, you'd be willing to overcome them with no problems and complaints.
I stayed in the lobby for a while before leaving. I wanted to soak all the air in for the last time. I'll DEFINITELY miss the office, the chaos in the training area, the people, the big boss, and the frickin' vendo machine! My one-and-a-half-year stay in this company topped my twelve-year schooling when it comes to important skills to learn in life. Every single day, I felt my brain being fed more and more knowledge and wisdom. And apparently, along the way, it sort of got full that I wanted to see if there were things outside this company that may broaden my views in life even more. I got addicted to being curious. To maximizing opportunities. That was the main reason why I left.
Moving forward, I walk with my head up high carrying with me all the skills that I have developed to do even greater things. Again, I will be forever grateful to this company. It gave me confidence to follow my dreams. That if you want something SO bad, reaching for it is not enough. You have to jump and risk falling face down. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do now.
-----
Last week, an old friend texted for a meet-up with our old barkada (some of us, anyway). Unfortunately, we couldn't all make it due to the short notice. We ended up having it scheduled for last night instead.
Meeting up with the people you spent junior and senior proms with, 18th birthdays with, hours and hours on the phone with, heartbreaks with, laughing out loud with, time fighting with, and half of your life drinking with is just pure bliss. Suddenly, those things that bothered all of you about each other started appearing one by one and instead of being annoyed, you just laughed it off because you have limited time together. You just wanna enjoy every second of it.
Even if we only see each other once every six months maybe, we immediately jive. No awkward silences whatsoever. No need to be careful with harsh words. No need to walk on eggshells. Once we're all together, immediately, we go back to those moments in the cadlum area (canteen) just talking non-stop about anything under the sun. Anything that we're really passionate about. That's what I love about our barkada. Even if there are some misunderstandings or problems between us, we manage to go back to that moment wherein we just didn't care about the people around us and just did whatever it was that felt right at that certain moment.
It seems like we have built-in magnets inside us that somehow will eventually bring us all together again and again. And when we're all far away from each other, we have that distant longing between us. That longing to be together even if we belong in different poles. That longing that even if we don't feel, will only take one magnet to bring all (some) of us together. Again and again. Same place (anywhere), same time (anytime).
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Ode to the Sunset
Every time you are there, it makes my day.
It's a promise that everything's okay.
I look at you and forget the past.
What fills my mind is the shine you cast.
I don't mind the distance between us two.
From here, everyday, I'll worship you.
"Forever" always frightens me.
I shut my eyes, you're all I see.
No one can compete with your brightness.
You give more to all those who have less.
You are your brightest at noon.
Oftentimes, you make me swoon.
Repeatedly, you never fail,
Every minute you prevail.
When you're at your highest.
I am my happiest.
Suddenly, the sky turns pink,
You tire and you start to sink.
It poses a threat.
I dread the sunset.
Soon, all will disappear.
All will be left is fear.
Darkness will come.
Bring out the drum.
People must be warned.
Don't fret, it's unarmed.
Sunset's in.
Where's it been?
Is this our fate?
Morrow, I'll wait.
All days.
Always.
Goodbye now.
Keep our vow.
Fate.
Wait.
It's a promise that everything's okay.
I look at you and forget the past.
What fills my mind is the shine you cast.
I don't mind the distance between us two.
From here, everyday, I'll worship you.
"Forever" always frightens me.
I shut my eyes, you're all I see.
No one can compete with your brightness.
You give more to all those who have less.
You are your brightest at noon.
Oftentimes, you make me swoon.
Repeatedly, you never fail,
Every minute you prevail.
When you're at your highest.
I am my happiest.
Suddenly, the sky turns pink,
You tire and you start to sink.
It poses a threat.
I dread the sunset.
Soon, all will disappear.
All will be left is fear.
Darkness will come.
Bring out the drum.
People must be warned.
Don't fret, it's unarmed.
Sunset's in.
Where's it been?
Is this our fate?
Morrow, I'll wait.
All days.
Always.
Goodbye now.
Keep our vow.
Fate.
Wait.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Sunrise's Envy
Your presence demands an audience.
You're too beautiful to walk into a room unnoticed.
Everyone becomes quiet when you arrive.
Everything stops.
Everyone watches you.
Everyone except him.
He lets the wind torture him waiting for you.
He lets the sand tickle his toes for you.
He enjoys the loud whispers of the birds while he waits.
And the sound of the water as it longs for the shore.
You notice that he's nervous, anxious.
He's beautiful when he's nervous.
Nervous to see you, perhaps?
But you can't show yourself to him. Not yet.
Then she starts walking to him just as you peak in the horizon.
She disturbs the sand around him.
She breaks the silence. Your silence.
He looks at her while you stare at them.
Suddenly, her smile becomes as bright as yours.
Her eyes become his source of light. Of life.
They sit on the sand together.
And her touch becomes the heat that he longs for in forever.
And you rise and you rise.
Giving life and hope to everything that you touch.
The trees and the birds rejoice.
And the mountain wakes up as you kiss its nose.
You shine and you shine because you need to.
You melt and thaw the frozen because you need to.
Then from a distance, you stare at them.
You stare at them while they stare at each other.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Reel Life
Most of the time we're like Crazy Little Thing Called Love. That stupid teenage love affair that makes you giggle. Sometimes we're some Sandra Bullock movie. Old Sandra Bullock movie. Like While You Were Sleeping or Two Weeks Notice or something. Sometimes it's 10 Things I Hate About You. We have an awesome OST, but everything is shallow and predictable. Smart, yet predictable. Very seldom we're A Walk to Remember or If Only or P.S. I Love You. Those moments I don't like. I avoid those moments because I'm always the one getting hurt. Or I always cannot handle when you're the one getting hurt. It's all melodramatic and exaggerated. I REALLY hate it. Sometimes we're all Science of Sleep or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I also hate those moments. It's like we're trying too hard to complicate something incredibly simple that it makes us dumb. I hate pretending to be dumb.
I love our Before Sunset moments where we just talk or be quiet together. I love those moments. I prolong those moments most of the time whenever I can. I like quiet. You seem to hate it, which is very weird.
Speaking of weird, sometimes we're Magic Mike. I don't wanna elaborate. It makes me uncomfortable. (It's not what you think.) Oooh, I also like our Dead Poets Society or Good Will Hunting moments where we have very intelligent conversations and it lasts for hours and instead of being enlightened about something, we actually get even more confused. I like those moments. Those are the moments when I feel that... I don't know. I just get this feeling in my stomach.
But at the end of the day I think we're just (500) Days of Summer. GREAT OST. Lots of Regina Spektor, who I LOVE. Great movie. Different and out of the box. (That's us; different and out of the box.) It's a taste of reality. It's a story of boy meets girl, but is not a love story. That's us. And it feels nice having realized that. It turns all the question marks into periods and exclamation points. It brings some kind of peace.
Now, just like every girl, I'm waiting for my Beauty and the Beast moment. I get impatient sometimes, but the Beast had to wait years for Belle to come so that puts things in perspective. (So I'm the Beast? :/) And to think, all the Disney princesses had to wait for their princes to "rescue" them so who am I to question Messrs Wilhelm and Jacob Grimm and Mister Walt.
But then sometimes I wonder. Maybe I should write my own story so I can be the main character of my own movie. I can be the leading lady (or the princess) and you can be... I don't know. I guess we'll have to see as a write it.
I love our Before Sunset moments where we just talk or be quiet together. I love those moments. I prolong those moments most of the time whenever I can. I like quiet. You seem to hate it, which is very weird.
Speaking of weird, sometimes we're Magic Mike. I don't wanna elaborate. It makes me uncomfortable. (It's not what you think.) Oooh, I also like our Dead Poets Society or Good Will Hunting moments where we have very intelligent conversations and it lasts for hours and instead of being enlightened about something, we actually get even more confused. I like those moments. Those are the moments when I feel that... I don't know. I just get this feeling in my stomach.
But at the end of the day I think we're just (500) Days of Summer. GREAT OST. Lots of Regina Spektor, who I LOVE. Great movie. Different and out of the box. (That's us; different and out of the box.) It's a taste of reality. It's a story of boy meets girl, but is not a love story. That's us. And it feels nice having realized that. It turns all the question marks into periods and exclamation points. It brings some kind of peace.
Now, just like every girl, I'm waiting for my Beauty and the Beast moment. I get impatient sometimes, but the Beast had to wait years for Belle to come so that puts things in perspective. (So I'm the Beast? :/) And to think, all the Disney princesses had to wait for their princes to "rescue" them so who am I to question Messrs Wilhelm and Jacob Grimm and Mister Walt.
But then sometimes I wonder. Maybe I should write my own story so I can be the main character of my own movie. I can be the leading lady (or the princess) and you can be... I don't know. I guess we'll have to see as a write it.
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