Now Playing: Don't Know Why by Norah Jones

I saw you a while ago. Right now I see your name with a green dot beside it.

I can't believe that until now you still make me nervous. You're like a ghost that I'm beginning to get used to. I don't wanna get used to that. I don't wanna get used to you floating around my head everytime.

You're like an open wound on my knee or elbow. The kind that's really hard to heal because it's at a place that's always moving and bending. The wound keeps re-opening and re-opening until it leaves a scar. A scar that will be there as long as you live.

There's a constant battle in my head. I'm beginning to get used to that as well. Constant bickering inside my head always before I sleep. I listen to the argument to justify what happened. I make myself believe that it was the right thing. And that's the only time I'm able to fall asleep.

Pride is such a pain. It's stupid and I wish it never existed. Like ghosts, open wounds, and voices in my head.

The Dancer's Turn

The spotlight.

It was on her.

Finally, it was her turn.

She has been waiting and waiting.

For the spotlight to be on her.

She stood in the middle.

The light immediately found her.

She’s stunning. Beautiful.

Exquisite.

She walks gracefully.

She closes her eyes.

To savour the spotlight.

That was finally on her.

She danced and danced.

And the spotlight followed.

All around the stage.

All around, the light followed.

She finished her dance.

With a twirl in the middle.

She stopped. She waits.

Waits for the applause.

From the audience she waited.

In the middle.

Spotlight on her, she waited.

Silence.

The beating of her heart.

Her deep breaths.

Were all she could hear.

And louder and louder.

They vanished the silence.

She couldn’t see far.

The light blinded her.

The spotlight finally dimmed.

And slowly she caught sight.

She caught a glimpse of the audience.

No one was there.

No one was watching.

Emptiness.

Her elegant performance.

No one saw.

The spotlight.

The spotlight deceived her.

The middle of the stage.

All around, it deceived her.

The light, slowly dimming.

Gradually, it left the stage.

Before it disappeared,

She took a bow.

She took a bow and left with the light.

Darkness.

Goodbye Sad Songs and Isolated Islands

My iPod and book JUST got stolen. My almost 10-year old iPod and my friend's (whoops. SORRY!) mangled copy of The Lord of the Flies JUST got stolen. My two bestfriends during my commute every morning and night. Now gone.

Every morning, I listen to my iPod to drown all the thoughts in my head. Thoughts that make me feel like a zombie again. They say time heals everything. It's been quite a while and I'm still here. I listen to music to make the time bearable. To trick my head that I'm moving along with time. It kinda works because before I know it, I'm already in the office. Without the memory of how I got there.

Every night, I read my book while waiting in line for the shuttle home. I read to transport myself to a world where you don't exist. Where I am just living vicariously with the characters in the book. Where even just for a while, I won't be in pain. I can conquer the world alongside the main character and forget you. For a while. I can't read in the shuttle so I close my book and you appear again. I miss you and I'm back from where I started.

The next day, I do the same. This has been my routine for almost 2 months. I'm tired.

One of my bestfriends (human one) asked me, "What do you want? What do you want from him? Do you wanna be with him?"

"No, I don't wanna be with him. Not exactly. I wanna feel that I'm actually worth an awkward conversation. That I'm worth the effort. Because I couldn't handle not being his favorite person. I want him to wanna talk about the real stuff. The hard stuff. I just wanted to be worth something to him, you know? I wanna say sorry. It was stupid how I broke down and didn't explain. I'm always ready to jump off a sinking ship without thinking who I'm gonna leave behind. I did what I did because I didn't wanna lose him. But I guess losing him was inevitable." is what I should've said. But the too-proud-inarticulate-not-wanting-to-explain me just said, "I don't know."

These are the thoughts that I have to drown every morning and night. Now I don't have anything to drown them with. To the hipster robber who stole my 10-year old iPod with all my sad songs and my friend's copy of The Lord of the Flies, there is a special place in hell waiting for you.

Vicarious Pleasures?

Lately, I've been missing you. Missing you especially because I already constantly do. Just now, I saw a picture of you on my Facebook feed. I miss you again even more. I press Home then I find myself scrolling down impatiently until I see your picture pop up again. I miss you even more.

It all started when I recently received something from you. Something that had meaning. Or not. I don't know for sure. You confuse me most of the time. But I hope it had meaning. So that we will have direction. Or even just a path.

All my close friends say our relationship is weird. "Labo..." is their exact word. Again, I get confused. What's so weird about what we do? But when I actually look at us from their point of view, it is kinda weird. Maybe it's 'cause we have something special? Or maybe we're just two weird people doing "unnormal" stuff even two weird people should not do? I don't know.

But whenever we do what we do, it doesn't seem "unnormal". It feels right. It feels comfortable. Sometimes, it even feels necessary. That's when it scares me the most.

I have absolutely no idea what you're thinking. If you're actually consciously doing all these things to lead me somewhere I'm not familiar with. Not familiar with anymore anyway.

Sometimes, it seems that I'm actually in control. I keep telling myself that I have to wait. To be patient. And I'm ok with that. But sometimes (like this very moment), I just want to go to you and hug you. And cuddle. And stare at you. And kiss you. It drives me crazy that I can't.

I have to see you. Soon. Or not ever.

Touch, Hold, Cling, Grasp

A touch of pink.
A touch of a butterfly on Winnie the Pooh's nose.
A touch of a furry creature.
A touch due to curiosity.
A touch to a life.

The Touch of a hand.
Of two hands.
The playfulness of the Touch.
The feel of the Touch.
The inappropriateness of it all.
But the wanting of the Touch.
The feel of the Touch.
The feeling.
How it lingers.
How it still does until now.

A hold on to the wheel.
A hold to a glass.
A lasting hold of styling gel.
A hold to thought.
A hold of you.

The Hold of hand to arm.
The wish of the Hold of hand to hand instead of hand to arm.
The fear of the Hold of my sweaty palms.
The settling for the Hold of hand to arm or wrist.
The fear of the thought of Holding hands.

The Holding on to the memory of the Touch.
The going back to the Touch.
The wanting for the Touch to become a Hold.
The fear of dependence.
The lingering fear of dependence.

A cling of a monkey to a tree.
A cling of a baby to a mother.
A cling towards you.

The Cling of thoughts.
Oh how good the thoughts Cling.
The Cling to memory.
The wanting to forget.
The exhaustion of the wanting to forget.
The Cling that makes the scene repeat over and over again.
Over and over again until I feel that pain in my stomach.

The Grasp of idea.
The Grasping of the idea of impossibility.
The Grasping of the idea of a small window opening.
The window shutting up again.
The Grasping of the idea that everything is an illusion.
The Grasping of reality vs. expectations.
The Grasping of the idea of wanting to forget.
The Grasping of the idea of boredom.
The Grasping of the idea of repetitiveness.
The Grasping of the idea of distance.
The Grasping of the idea of transparency.
The fear of transparency.
The letting go.

The Grasping of the idea of the Touch, the Hold, and the Cling.
The Grasping of it all.

The Impossibility.
The Impossibility for now.

"That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right. Whichever come what may, you see I need to know tonight."

GET MAD AND DO SOMETHING

"Lagi naman kaming binabaha. Sanay na kami."

"... sanay na kami." That is our enemy. Once we say that we're used to having the same problem over and over again, we distract ourselves from finding the right solution that'll stop all this. Once we get used to the same shit happening over and over again, we try to ignore the core of the problem completely making our resistance to the problem stronger heightening the problem even more and now we're in a vicious cycle blackhole that's growing bigger and bigger everytime calamities like this happen. WE HAVE TO STOP THIS SANAY-NA-KAMI MENTALITY and start attacking the heart of the problem. I say gather the people (which in this case wouldn't be that hard because everyone's already in all-ready evacuation centers) and aside from praying for everything to be better, EDUCATE the people why this is happening. Be mad! Because this CANNOT keep happening to us. WHERE IS GROWTH if our mentality is like this? EDUCATE. GET MAD AND EDUCATE. It's hard not to point fingers, but after doing that, DO SOMETHING. Don't stop at pointing your finger to others. Let it out then DO SOMETHING.

"Bumili na kami ng bangka. Ganito naman lagi 'pag malakas ang ulan."

SERIOUSLY? People actually think that buying boats and more life vests in times of calamities like this is the solution to the problem we've been having over and over again?? WE'RE SPENDING MONEY ON THE WRONG THINGS. This cannot keep happening. We cannot spend loads of our money on relief goods, rescue teams, BOATS (for crying out loud!), etc! I'm sure everyone's heard of "prevention is better than cure". Know the meaning, memorize, THEN APPLY.


I wanted to write about romanticizing the wrath of Mother Nature. Like how She is crying because we're doing such a shitty job taking care of Her. But no. What I think Mother Nature is doing is She's getting angry BECAUSE we're doing such a shitty job taking care of Her. Wherever did we get the idea that Mother Nature is a passive creature? That She would sulk because we're not doing our job. She's been trying to get our attention numerous times and now She's angry. She's showing us what She can do if we don't get our shit together. It's not even about how hard She lets the rain pour. She's testing how we can take what She can give us. She's testing if we'll actually do the right thing this time. She's testing if we have weapons for the battle. She's testing if we're ready. I say we fight. We fight for Her because to be honest, I wouldn't wanna piss Her off [again]. I wouldn't even try [again].

"Ganyan talaga ang mga Pinoy. Nakahahanap pa ng kasisiyahan sa gitna na kalamidad." - Filipino reporter

"It's so terrible. Why is the government like this in the Philippines?" - foreigner riding a pedicab on his way to the airport

"Kahit na binabaha, it's more fun in the Philippines!" (say that to the people who lost their loved ones due to Mother Nature's wrath)