Unspoken Words and Loud Thoughts

"You seem like a robot sometimes," someone recently told me. He could have added, "You're also rigid and unapproachable," but I told him I already knew what he meant.

It's the second time someone's called me a "robot". A robot who just does her job at work and nothing more. A robot who finds it difficult to make friends because she fears she might lose her authority. A robot who sometimes prefers to be feared than be liked.

I couldn't decide what to feel when I was called a "robot" for the second time. It seemed inaccurate and misunderstood. I think it's funny that at my first job, their major gripe about me is that I was too nice.

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I'm starting to get overwhelmed with the future. I feel it slowly come up to me while I consistently run away from it. I'm afraid that one day, without warning, it'll finally catch up to me. Ready to slap me in the face.

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One thing you probably should know about me is that I was raised to be extremely independent. "When someone offers you something, always politely say no even if you want it," my mom would tell me. This applied to candies, chocolates, food in general, assistance of any kind, etc. My mom is the kind of person who worked really hard on her own for what she has right now.

When I got a bit older, I realized that I was able to turn the independence my mom taught me into something else. I became a good actor. Even if I needed food, I always acted full. Even if I needed help, I always acted like I have it all in control. Even if someone was showing me care, I always acted like I didn't need it.

When I got a lot older, it turned into something else again. It turned into pride. I would exhaust all my efforts before asking for help. Just thinking of needing someone or something else, made me feel weak. I turned into someone who couldn't see the difference between sympathy and love so when one of them is given to me, I'm not able to decipher which is which.

One of my best friends told me that the reason why I didn't have "someone" is because I didn't need one. Or at least it seems like I didn't need one. "People like to be needed sometimes. It makes them feel good about themselves," he said.

So the next time you offer me coffee, beer, or assistance of any kind, I will turn my brain off, take a deep breath, smile, and just say, "Yes, please. Thank you."

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I have a very good imagination. That's why I prefer books rather than movies. I think that's also why I prefer you far away than with me here.

I've conjured up a picture of you in my head. I'm scared that if I see you everyday, I'll find out that the picture doesn't resemble you at all.

Oh, but the thought of having you with me everyday puts a huge smile on my face.

3 things I picked up during my days in isolation

When I traveled ALONE to Isabela for work right after I came from my SOLO trip to Bohol, I thought, "Ok, enough of being alone. I'm ready to be with humans now!" But now that I'm about to go home, it feels like the end of an awesome vacation even if I had to work.

To end this AMAWZING "vacation" in a good note, here are 3 things I learned during my almost 2 weeks of isolation:

1. Everything is expensive!

Hotels, restaurants, and even toiletries are steep when you're alone [and picky].

Hotels - There are very few [good] hotels that offer rooms for 1. Of course, Agoda and Booking.com are there to help you out, but if you want nice clean private bathrooms and a change of sheets and towels everyday, you need to prepare to shell out a bit more than usual. Privacy is pricey. #SeeWhatIDidThere

Restaurants - The best restaurants (according to looloo, zomato, and tripadvisor) [around the Philippines] rarely have meals for 1. They only have meals good for 2-3 persons at the least. I couldn't try most of the yummy dish because there were A LOT per serving. Ugh. This needs to change NOW!

Toiletries - This is actually my fault. Whenever I travel with friends or family, I only bring the essentials (e.g. facial wash, deodorant, toothpaste). I don't bring the ones you can share. Oops.

2. You cannot control the conversations you have with yourself.

At first, I started talking to myself in the bathroom, then in front of the mirror, then before going to bed, then in the car, then in the elevator, then while crossing the street, then while eating in public, then while watching a movie, then while walking around the mall. JUST LIKE A CRAZY PERSON. Even smiles become uncontrollable. Whenever I remember something funny, I smile like a creep while looking into nothingness. Weirdo.

3. Small talks are no different [for extreme introverts].

They still terrify and annoy me even if I kinda seek for them. They’re even worse when you’re travelling alone because strangers suddenly small talks with you without warning.

When I decided to travel alone, I thought, "Oooh, finally a chance to meet new people!" NOPE! I still freak out when I see strangers in my peripheral vision approaching me. I swear, one time, I actually ran! (Ok, not ran. More like brisk walked.)

There was one small talk convo though that I liked. A couple of Titas approached me while I was on the Loboc cruise (i.e. I couldn't run away.) in Bohol and said, "Buti pinayagan ka umalis mag-isa. Ang bata mo pa naman. Ilang taon ka na ba?" BOOM! I awkwardly laughed and replied, "Ay, 26 na po ako." I loved seeing their faces after I said that. I love Boholanos.


I REALLY enjoyed my time in isolation. But I think it’s the perfect time to come back home. I haven’t seen my dad in more than 2 weeks (he went to the States to see my lola), and I miss my mom, sister, and bed. At least I’ll have the weekend to adjust and rewire my brain to go back to normal.

I'm looking forward to my next solo trip! This time international maybe? (Ugh, I’m running out of vacation leaves and it’s only February. <3>