Putting All Eggs in One Basket

[Selects playlist. Shuffle. Go.]

(Now playing: Just a Little Bit by Maria Mena)
Just a little bit stronger. Just a little bit wiser. Just a little less needy. And maybe I'll get there.

I was carrying a dozen colored balloons. Pretty balloons. Full of air. Colorful. The sky got dark. It rained. It rained needles! All my balloons popped. All my pretty balloons. All my balloons full of air. All my colorful balloons.

[Next. Next. Next. Go.]

{Now playing: Always by Atlantic Star)
Come with me, my sweet. Let's go make a family.

Today, I met up with my friend who was pregnant with her first child. She was sleepy. She was ranting. She was tired. She told me all her husband did were hug her and tell her that everything will be ok. She smiled. She was ready to go to work.

[Next. Go.]

{Now playing: In Repair by John Mayer)
I'm in repair. I'm not together, but I'm getting there.

Tornado. A tornado entered my room. I know I invited you over, but I have to clean my room first. I'm putting the Do Not Disturb sign on my door. Please keep yourself comfortable outside. It's pretty messed up in here. It'll take time to clean all the shit up. Tornadoes.

(Now playing: Your Guardian Angel - Acoustic Version by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus)

[Listens for a while.]
[Next. Next. Go.]

(Now playing: I Can't Make You Love Me - Cover by Adele)
I will give up this fight.

[Sings along.]
[Go again.]

(Now playing: The First Cut Is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow)
I still want you by my side. Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried.

[Tries to harmonize.]
[Shuts up and focuses. Go again.]

Last night, I saw someone crossing the street in the rain without an umbrella. I was standing across him with an umbrella in my hand and my bag on the other. I was staring at him. I wanted to share my umbrella with him. The rain was pouring hard. I felt bad. Guilty. I was about to cross when the cars came fast in front of me. I stopped. It caught his attention. He was frowning. He was soaking wet. He was pissed off. I smiled. He forced a smile a back. It was all we could offer each other. The rain finally stopped.

[Next. Next. Next. Next. Oh.]

(Now playing: Tulog Na by Sugarfree)
Tulog na, mahal ko. Nandito lang akong bahala sa iyo. Sige na, tulog na muna. Tulog na, mahal ko. At baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas at sabay nating harapin ang mundo.

[Go.]

(Now playing: Honestly by Bethany Joy Galeotti)
I'm so glad you're far away. Is that a terrible thing to say? Well, I wonder if you're okay.

As I open my eyes in the morning... As I commute to work... In the middle of the meeting... As I do my actual work... As I commute home... As I have my dinner either alone or with my sister... As I hangout alone in my room... In rainy days... Whenever I'm lost... Whenever I see others... Whenever I hear the fucking song, "Cable Cars" by frickin' The Fray... Whenever my bag gets way too heavy... Whenever I watch a movie about love... Whenever I have a bad day... I hear you whisper. But I can't understand. You're way too far away. Perhaps in another continent. Please speak louder. Are you there? Do you still exist?

(Now playing: Last Flight Out by Plus One)
Although it's hard and scares me so, a life without you scares me more.

[Battery empty. Charge. End.]

Chloe the Clingy Monkey

Chloe the Clingy Monkey loves to cling to lamp posts. Not trees. Lamp posts. For some odd reason, she always fails to cling to trees. She may be allergic to the leaves of the tree, or the tree may be way too tall, or she may be way too short, or she just plainly fails to reach the tree. She tries and tries to reach the tall luscious trees but her leap is just not enough. So she decides to settle for the lamp posts. The lamp posts that are comfortable. The lamp posts that give her light but are cold in the middle of the night. The lamp posts that she loves to talk to but don't always respond. The lamp posts that pretend to shade her whenever it rains. The lamp posts that are good enough for now. She settles for them. For now.

Instant Happiness is Instant

I've probably already posted hundreds of video chat grabs on my Facebook. And here's another one. I just really wanna remember moments like this when I needed someone to cheer me up so bad and this k-razyy bunch of weirdos happen to do just that via video chat. (Distance is a bitch. And in this case, also the epic the weather. O__O) I wanna document moments when it only took ONE text message containing only TWO syllables to make me feel a BILLION times happier.

I will forever be grateful for having this k-razyy bunch of weirdos in my life. :)

And just like that, maybe I won't need to call that hotline.

Bipolarity, Randomness, Sleepiness

TAKE ONE:
[I used to think I had nothing to say. That I could handle everything on my own. But I actually wanna scream. I wanna burst out in tears. I actually wanna talk. And now that I have something to say, I find myself talking to a wall. I've been talking to a wall all this time.]

TAKE TWO:
[I've been on this Merry-Go-Round (which by the way is my favorite ride in amusement parks) for so long now. I'm already very dizzy. I wanna get off so bad, but I wanna get my money's worth. But is it really worth it when I already feel like vomiting?]

TAKE THREE:
[I'm not gonna fall for that bait you're dangling. I'm gonna keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming.]

TAKE FOUR:
[It's funny when a dog chases its tail. It'll try to catch its tail around and around and around until it can't anymore. I like it when it stops and gives up. That implies that the dog learned it's impossible to chase your tail. I don't like it when it does the chasing over again.]

TAKE FIVE:
["CAN YOU HEAR ME?!" I hear a soft reply. Then I say even louder, "IS ANYBODY THERE?!" I can't quite make out the reply. I decide to listen very carefully as I screamed for the last time, "HELLO??!" I hear a faint, "Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello." Just an echo. No one's here.]

TAKE SIX:
[Jelly melly felly kelly celly nelly delly pelly. I wanna turn into jelly.]

(This is what I get for listening to Jason Mraz in the shower.)

I miss your THE touch. I miss THE hugs and kisses... I miss THE affection.

I don't know if it's just a sign of ageing or something, but I'm now feeling the need to have a "certain someone". The need for someone to hold me whenever it's frickin' cold at night and tell me that the storm will eventually stop. The need for someone who I can cuddle with and hold my hand all thru the night. The need for someone...

These feelings are at their worst every night. (I don't really notice them in the morning.)

I sometimes fantasize about you. (Not the ew-kinky kind of fantasizing.) I fantasize you lying down next to me. Talking to me. Holding me. Listening to me. Laughing with/at me. And then we eventually fall asleep together...

I fantasize that you're here, beside me. Not in another continent.

It's insanely crazy that I'm still hanging on to you. I can't even remember how you look like anymore. We barely even had time alone together. I don't know why I hang on to you still. Maybe it's 'cause you were the last one. Or the one after the last one. The very last one who made sense.

I wish I could go there. I wish you could come here.

Then again, you probably don't even remember me.


Love is blinding when your timing's never right
Oh but who am I to beg for difference
Finding love in a distant instant
But I don't mind


Oh love at least I tried, well I tried...

Because your love, your love, your love is my drug

I FINALLY had human (other than my family of course) contact today. It was such a relief when one of my bestfriends texted me to hangout. It's always exciting when we hang out together because we have "jonders talks". Haha! "Jonders talks" = mature talks about life, love, friends, and everything else. It's when we overcome our A.D.D.'s and all other mental disorders/deficiencies (an exaggeration OF COURSE) to analyze our surroundings. It sounds oh, so formal, but it SO is not. So when she texted me about the hangout, we immediately set the date and had it.

I found out just when I was on my way that my other bestfriend was also coming. That got me even more excited because the three of us rarely hang out. We could LITERALLY talk the whole day (I cannot emphasize the "LITERALLY" enough because we seriously already did.) about just one thing or just one memory. I bet we could have "jonders talks" for weeks.

So that's what we did (kinda). We hung out at a coffee shop and just talked about random stuff. Random memories. That made me subconsciously ignore my depressing self. Yep, I've been depressed for a while, and it's kinda nice to just stop and hear hilarious stories and fucked up ones. Also, I figured out that I wasn't only depressed, I was also lonely. I thought I would NEVER feel that. I'm a big preacher of "it doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone". I was always comfortable at being alone. I never knew how this felt. I guess you only feel it once you actually interact with people because then you'll notice the difference. The difference from having your bestfriends around to staying in your room reading an awesome book or watching movies (which I both LOVE to do alone). The difference between hanging out with my bestfriends and hanging out with my bedroom furnitures.

Then we went to the house of my bestfriend. The "jonders talks" got even deeper. I loved how they understood EXACTLY how I felt and knew EXACTLY what to say. I loved how they were also going through what's been fucking me up recently. We talked about the "curse", the pressure, the expectations, etc. And when you see your bestfriend cry, you shut up and just hug. Just hug to let her know that you're ALWAYS going to be there for her. That we're always going to be there for each other.

I cannot emphasize enough how I want this friendship between the three of us to last forever. I'm actually in the verge of tears right now because I really feel strongly about this. I'm always the peson who's very independent and who usually does not need anyone to live. But I've realized throughout our friendship that I actually need them. And that scares me a bit. It scares me that I might need them more than they need me. That I might love them more than they love me.

Only hangouts with them can make us forget that the world is actually spinning. Time stops for a while when we're together. We're completely indifferent with the things going on around us. Only all of us together can make us forget that the world is actually out there. That there will be a tomorrow. That we have to face reality again after tonight.


That the frickin' planet Venus just passed by across the sun a while ago.

Just Passing By

This is my university campus. Yep, it's awesome. I have graduated from it a few months ago. During these few months, I would go back here to meet up with friends and fix my clearance and shit. I would always feel that I still belonged here. That I still wanted to stay. Today, I fixed everything that I needed to fix. And most of my friends are going to graduate this year. I would have no reason (except for special occasions, of course) to go back here.

While I was walking from my college to our organization tambayan, I looked around to find people that I knew. There were none. Even though our campus is GINORMOUS, you would always see someone familiar. I didn't see anyone today.

I realized that though I love this campus so much. I didn't belong to it anymore. I felt like a visitor. I didn't see it as a bad thing though. It made me realize that I have to move on to the next place that I will belong to. Though there is a part of me that is forever going to be in this campus, the parts that are left need to move on.

I'm very happy to have belonged in this place. And I'm also very excited to find out which place I will belong to next. :)

[Can't wait to see the sunflowers this April! ;p]