vicarious pleasures

She went outside to smoke while her friends get hit on inside the bar. Her friends wear provocative clothing and pretend to be annoyed by the lame guys buzzing around them. The truth is, they're desperate for the attention.

"Can I have a light?"

"Uh, yeah."

She wanted to be left alone. The whole talking-to-a-stranger is weird to her.

"So girl's night out tonight?"

"Uh, something like that. One of my friends got promoted. We're kinda celebrating."

"You don't like celebrations?" he said while attempting to make rings with his smoke.

"Uh, no, I just needed some air. It's getting hot in there."

"Hence the smoking."

"Yeah," she said with a forced laugh.

She wanted to finish smoking and go back inside, but she remembered what all her friends were doing. She just wanted to go home and take a nice long bath.

-----

After meeting at the exhibit of her friend...

"C'mon just a cup of coffee."

She thinks about it for a while. She thinks of possible excuses.

"Fine. I have to stay awake for the commute home anyway."

He ordered hot coffee, she ordered iced.

She looks at the cup.

"So, it's Ron."

"Yeah, and yours?"

"Cece."

Old ID, elevator, vendo machine, and magnets

Yesterday, I went to my previous work's office. Upon entering the building, I felt some kind of familiarity. A sense of belongingness. A routine. I quickly showed my [old] work ID so I would be permitted to go inside. Then I was off to the elevator without letting the guards check my bag. (Got used to just going inside buildings due to the nature of my [previous] work.) I was a bit nervous. The only reason why I was going back there was because I had to sign necessary papers to make my leaving the company official.

Elevator doors opened to the floor of the office and I tiptoed on the way. I immediately saw one of the people from the administration team, and suddenly my heart jumped. Mixed feelings started flowing thru my body. I thought to myself why I was feeling THAT nervous. I left on a good note (I think... I thought.) so I had to relax. I opened the door and she just called my name right away, surprised to see me. I said hi and she gave me the papers to sign.

One by one, I saw the people that I used to come across with every single day for the past one year and a half not even knowing some of their names. Those people I knew, I was reluctant to give hugs to. I didn't know if I was allowed to. But those who I became close with, I couldn't help giving them tight ones. I looked around and it felt a bit like home, but I didn't belong there anymore. It felt like I was just an alumna visiting my alma mater.

I'd be forever grateful once belonging to this company. I DEFINITELY wouldn't be who I am today if I took the other job that was offered to me almost two years ago. Working in this company ruined my perspective with other companies out there. I feel like I have to compare the "others" to the standards of this company. Yes, there were enormous challenges, but once you get (which took me three months to do so) what the business was all about, you'd be willing to overcome them with no problems and complaints.

I stayed in the lobby for a while before leaving. I wanted to soak all the air in for the last time. I'll DEFINITELY miss the office, the chaos in the training area, the people, the big boss, and the frickin' vendo machine! My one-and-a-half-year stay in this company topped my twelve-year schooling when it comes to important skills to learn in life. Every single day, I felt my brain being fed more and more knowledge and wisdom. And apparently, along the way, it sort of got full that I wanted to see if there were things outside this company that may broaden my views in life even more. I got addicted to being curious. To maximizing opportunities. That was the main reason why I left.

Moving forward, I walk with my head up high carrying with me all the skills that I have developed to do even greater things. Again, I will be forever grateful to this company. It gave me confidence to follow my dreams. That if you want something SO bad, reaching for it is not enough. You have to jump and risk falling face down. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do now.

-----

Last week, an old friend texted for a meet-up with our old barkada (some of us, anyway). Unfortunately, we couldn't all make it due to the short notice. We ended up having it scheduled for last night instead.

Meeting up with the people you spent junior and senior proms with, 18th birthdays with, hours and hours on the phone with, heartbreaks with, laughing out loud with, time fighting with, and half of your life drinking with is just pure bliss. Suddenly, those things that bothered all of you about each other started appearing one by one and instead of being annoyed, you just laughed it off because you have limited time together. You just wanna enjoy every second of it.

Even if we only see each other once every six months maybe, we immediately jive. No awkward silences whatsoever. No need to be careful with harsh words. No need to walk on eggshells. Once we're all together, immediately, we go back to those moments in the cadlum area (canteen) just talking non-stop about anything under the sun. Anything that we're really passionate about. That's what I love about our barkada. Even if there are some misunderstandings or problems between us, we manage to go back to that moment wherein we just didn't care about the people around us and just did whatever it was that felt right at that certain moment.

It seems like we have built-in magnets inside us that somehow will eventually bring us all together again and again. And when we're all far away from each other, we have that distant longing between us. That longing to be together even if we belong in different poles. That longing that even if we don't feel, will only take one magnet to bring all (some) of us together. Again and again. Same place (anywhere), same time (anytime).

Ode to the Sunset

Every time you are there, it makes my day.
It's a promise that everything's okay.
I look at you and forget the past.
What fills my mind is the shine you cast.

I don't mind the distance between us two.
From here, everyday, I'll worship you.
"Forever" always frightens me.
I shut my eyes, you're all I see.

No one can compete with your brightness.
You give more to all those who have less.
You are your brightest at noon.
Oftentimes, you make me swoon.

Repeatedly, you never fail,
Every minute you prevail.
When you're at your highest.
I am my happiest.

Suddenly, the sky turns pink,
You tire and you start to sink.
It poses a threat.
I dread the sunset.

Soon, all will disappear.
All will be left is fear.
Darkness will come.
Bring out the drum.

People must be warned.
Don't fret, it's unarmed.
Sunset's in.
Where's it been?

Is this our fate?
Morrow, I'll wait.
All days.
Always.

Goodbye now.
Keep our vow.
Fate.
Wait.

Sunrise's Envy

Your presence demands an audience.

You're too beautiful to walk into a room unnoticed.

Everyone becomes quiet when you arrive.

Everything stops.

Everyone watches you.

Everyone except him.

He lets the wind torture him waiting for you.

He lets the sand tickle his toes for you.

He enjoys the loud whispers of the birds while he waits.

And the sound of the water as it longs for the shore.

You notice that he's nervous, anxious.

He's beautiful when he's nervous.

Nervous to see you, perhaps?

But you can't show yourself to him. Not yet.

Then she starts walking to him just as you peak in the horizon.

She disturbs the sand around him.

She breaks the silence. Your silence.

He looks at her while you stare at them.

Suddenly, her smile becomes as bright as yours.

Her eyes become his source of light. Of life.

They sit on the sand together.

And her touch becomes the heat that he longs for in forever.

And you rise and you rise.

Giving life and hope to everything that you touch.

The trees and the birds rejoice.

And the mountain wakes up as you kiss its nose.

You shine and you shine because you need to.

You melt and thaw the frozen because you need to.

Then from a distance, you stare at them.

You stare at them while they stare at each other.

Reel Life

Most of the time we're like Crazy Little Thing Called Love. That stupid teenage love affair that makes you giggle. Sometimes we're some Sandra Bullock movie. Old Sandra Bullock movie. Like While You Were Sleeping or Two Weeks Notice or something. Sometimes it's 10 Things I Hate About You. We have an awesome OST, but everything is shallow and predictable. Smart, yet predictable. Very seldom we're A Walk to Remember or If Only or P.S. I Love You. Those moments I don't like. I avoid those moments because I'm always the one getting hurt. Or I always cannot handle when you're the one getting hurt. It's all melodramatic and exaggerated. I REALLY hate it. Sometimes we're all Science of Sleep or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I also hate those moments. It's like we're trying too hard to complicate something incredibly simple that it makes us dumb. I hate pretending to be dumb.

I love our Before Sunset moments where we just talk or be quiet together. I love those moments. I prolong those moments most of the time whenever I can. I like quiet. You seem to hate it, which is very weird.

Speaking of weird, sometimes we're Magic Mike. I don't wanna elaborate. It makes me uncomfortable. (It's not what you think.) Oooh, I also like our Dead Poets Society or Good Will Hunting moments where we have very intelligent conversations and it lasts for hours and instead of being enlightened about something, we actually get even more confused. I like those moments. Those are the moments when I feel that... I don't know. I just get this feeling in my stomach.

But at the end of the day I think we're just (500) Days of Summer. GREAT OST. Lots of Regina Spektor, who I LOVE. Great movie. Different and out of the box. (That's us; different and out of the box.) It's a taste of reality. It's a story of boy meets girl, but is not a love story. That's us. And it feels nice having realized that. It turns all the question marks into periods and exclamation points. It brings some kind of peace.

Now, just like every girl, I'm waiting for my Beauty and the Beast moment. I get impatient sometimes, but the Beast had to wait years for Belle to come so that puts things in perspective. (So I'm the Beast? :/) And to think, all the Disney princesses had to wait for their princes to "rescue" them so who am I to question Messrs Wilhelm and Jacob Grimm and Mister Walt.

But then sometimes I wonder. Maybe I should write my own story so I can be the main character of my own movie. I can be the leading lady (or the princess) and you can be... I don't know. I guess we'll have to see as a write it.

Touch, Hold, Cling, Grasp

A touch of pink.
A touch of a butterfly on Winnie the Pooh's nose.
A touch of a furry creature.
A touch due to curiosity.
A touch to a life.

The Touch of a hand.
Of two hands.
The playfulness of the Touch.
The feel of the Touch.
The inappropriateness of it all.
But the wanting of the Touch.
The feel of the Touch.
The feeling.
How it lingers.
How it still does until now.

A hold on to the wheel.
A hold to a glass.
A lasting hold of styling gel.
A hold to thought.
A hold of you.

The Hold of hand to arm.
The wish of the Hold of hand to hand instead of hand to arm.
The fear of the Hold of my sweaty palms.
The settling for the Hold of hand to arm or wrist.
The fear of the thought of Holding hands.

The Holding on to the memory of the Touch.
The going back to the Touch.
The wanting for the Touch to become a Hold.
The fear of dependence.
The lingering fear of dependence.

A cling of a monkey to a tree.
A cling of a baby to a mother.
A cling towards you.

The Cling of thoughts.
Oh how good the thoughts Cling.
The Cling to memory.
The wanting to forget.
The exhaustion of the wanting to forget.
The Cling that makes the scene repeat over and over again.
Over and over again until I feel that pain in my stomach.

The Grasp of idea.
The Grasping of the idea of impossibility.
The Grasping of the idea of a small window opening.
The window shutting up again.
The Grasping of the idea that everything is an illusion.
The Grasping of reality vs. expectations.
The Grasping of the idea of wanting to forget.
The Grasping of the idea of boredom.
The Grasping of the idea of repetitiveness.
The Grasping of the idea of distance.
The Grasping of the idea of transparency.
The fear of transparency.
The letting go.

The Grasping of the idea of the Touch, the Hold, and the Cling.
The Grasping of it all.

The Impossibility.
The Impossibility for now.

"That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right. Whichever come what may, you see I need to know tonight."

GET MAD AND DO SOMETHING

"Lagi naman kaming binabaha. Sanay na kami."

"... sanay na kami." That is our enemy. Once we say that we're used to having the same problem over and over again, we distract ourselves from finding the right solution that'll stop all this. Once we get used to the same shit happening over and over again, we try to ignore the core of the problem completely making our resistance to the problem stronger heightening the problem even more and now we're in a vicious cycle blackhole that's growing bigger and bigger everytime calamities like this happen. WE HAVE TO STOP THIS SANAY-NA-KAMI MENTALITY and start attacking the heart of the problem. I say gather the people (which in this case wouldn't be that hard because everyone's already in all-ready evacuation centers) and aside from praying for everything to be better, EDUCATE the people why this is happening. Be mad! Because this CANNOT keep happening to us. WHERE IS GROWTH if our mentality is like this? EDUCATE. GET MAD AND EDUCATE. It's hard not to point fingers, but after doing that, DO SOMETHING. Don't stop at pointing your finger to others. Let it out then DO SOMETHING.

"Bumili na kami ng bangka. Ganito naman lagi 'pag malakas ang ulan."

SERIOUSLY? People actually think that buying boats and more life vests in times of calamities like this is the solution to the problem we've been having over and over again?? WE'RE SPENDING MONEY ON THE WRONG THINGS. This cannot keep happening. We cannot spend loads of our money on relief goods, rescue teams, BOATS (for crying out loud!), etc! I'm sure everyone's heard of "prevention is better than cure". Know the meaning, memorize, THEN APPLY.


I wanted to write about romanticizing the wrath of Mother Nature. Like how She is crying because we're doing such a shitty job taking care of Her. But no. What I think Mother Nature is doing is She's getting angry BECAUSE we're doing such a shitty job taking care of Her. Wherever did we get the idea that Mother Nature is a passive creature? That She would sulk because we're not doing our job. She's been trying to get our attention numerous times and now She's angry. She's showing us what She can do if we don't get our shit together. It's not even about how hard She lets the rain pour. She's testing how we can take what She can give us. She's testing if we'll actually do the right thing this time. She's testing if we have weapons for the battle. She's testing if we're ready. I say we fight. We fight for Her because to be honest, I wouldn't wanna piss Her off [again]. I wouldn't even try [again].

"Ganyan talaga ang mga Pinoy. Nakahahanap pa ng kasisiyahan sa gitna na kalamidad." - Filipino reporter

"It's so terrible. Why is the government like this in the Philippines?" - foreigner riding a pedicab on his way to the airport

"Kahit na binabaha, it's more fun in the Philippines!" (say that to the people who lost their loved ones due to Mother Nature's wrath)