Just Passing By

This is my university campus. Yep, it's awesome. I have graduated from it a few months ago. During these few months, I would go back here to meet up with friends and fix my clearance and shit. I would always feel that I still belonged here. That I still wanted to stay. Today, I fixed everything that I needed to fix. And most of my friends are going to graduate this year. I would have no reason (except for special occasions, of course) to go back here.

While I was walking from my college to our organization tambayan, I looked around to find people that I knew. There were none. Even though our campus is GINORMOUS, you would always see someone familiar. I didn't see anyone today.

I realized that though I love this campus so much. I didn't belong to it anymore. I felt like a visitor. I didn't see it as a bad thing though. It made me realize that I have to move on to the next place that I will belong to. Though there is a part of me that is forever going to be in this campus, the parts that are left need to move on.

I'm very happy to have belonged in this place. And I'm also very excited to find out which place I will belong to next. :)

[Can't wait to see the sunflowers this April! ;p]

Once a Bunny, Always a Bunny

I was watching TV in my room one afternoon and then I heard a knock on my door. It was our maid. She told me that 2 guys were waiting for me outside. I didn't believe her. She told me to look outside the window and see. I did. And then I immediately reached for the remote and turned the TV off. The remote dropped and broke while I ran to the bathroom to take a bath.

Why were they here? Why now? I thought I was gonna go his house later that night. It takes me about 15-20 minutes to take a bath. And 10 minutes for me to dress up and another 5 to gather my things and put them in one bag (Thank God I already picked out my outfit the night before or they were gonna have to wait much MUCH longer.).

After about 30 minutes of panicking, I went downstairs and greeted them with an apology. Oh how I missed these guys! But obviously, I gots to be cool because me one of zze boyz! Haha! I could tell they kinda missed me, too. Oh how I love my guy friends! I missed just randomly getting picked up by my close friends. [The Smiths' "There is a light that never goes out" playing in my head (Take me out tonight. Take me anywhere. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.)]

We went to pick up my bestfriend and my friend's girlfriend. I gots a feeling we gonn be [kinda] complete tonight! We finally arrived to my friend's house (a.k.a. epic inuman venue). Another guy friend was already there. We were almost complete. We played Bullshit. Friend's girl is not that good at bullshitting. HAHA! It's pretty funny. 2 more friends arrived. Then off to dinner.

Damn, friend's mother's cooking is amazing. My mouth wanted more, but my stomach already refused entry. Then out came the booze. Bacardi and Jager, baby! :D Let's get this shindig started. (Girl friend arrived uber late, but it was SOOO nice seeing her again. FINALLY!)

I missed this. I missed hanging out with this bunch of bunnies. We talked about stupid things, about dreams of becoming a pop star, about memories, about real things, about real feelings, about wanting to get mad but couldn't, about stupid girlfriends, about long-distance relationships, about EVERYTHING. I miss talking to people who know me. Who understand me. It's a lot easier when that's the case.

We didn't talk about the future. I feel like we're all on the same page when I say that the future stresses all of us out. That night was a break from all the pressure future brought. And that's what I love about that night. We didn't talk about what would happen the next day. Every conversation was enough to last just for the night. If a meteor crushed us all that night, it would've been ok. I cannot emphasize how much I missed hanging out with these people in these circumstances.

That night, I realized that even if everything around us changed, we didn't. We stayed the same bunch of bunnies. Yes, we're more mature now and a lot cooler (yeah! :p), but we still dealt with each other the same. We were the same people the first time we all got together in that Cadlum Hall. Yes, there are rifts here and there, but even those can't ruin the closeness love between this group of bunnies. And there are no words that can bulls-eye that thing within all of us that connects us. It's kinda like a built-in GPS or HDD inside us that makes us track or remember why we belong in this group.

In a way, that night made us even closer than we were in highschool. Our maturity and coolness (:p) made us interact with each other more effectively. Friendships were renewed and rifts became not so far apart as before. And those made me hope that maybe in the far future, we will still be able to spend time together without having to think about what'll happen the next day.

I know I have dependency issues, but I secretly hope nights like this happened every week. At least every month. :)

I love Sumisenti Bunnies/Cadlum Bunnies so much!

Thanks for the rescue! :) ++

Just grateful to a friend who spent the weekend with me. I've been feeling like shit since last week so it was really nice not to wallow in depression and sulk for a change.

We didn't do anything special or whatever, but it's kinda nice to not do anything with someone. (Yep, I think I just slept the whole time.)

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On another note, I figured out that making two worlds meet makes me anxious. Two sides of me that is. Sides that are not as simple as just the good and bad. It's kinda like mixing ice cream with chowder. O__O

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On another other note, I'm going to Singapore on Thursday! :) We're celebrating my sister's birthday. Oh, how I miss traveling. Oh, how I miss airports. I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WAIT! Weee!

Suggestion Box

I don't ask. I don't know how. It's probably 'cause I, myself, don't wanna be asked.

I'm sorry for not asking. I'm sorry I'm not there. I wanna be there so bad. It's just that I kinda have my own shit too. I'm kinda stuck in this black hole and I don't know what to do. If you could just wait for me, that'd be grand. I hope I don't take too long.

For now, I can only offer my occasional presence, hugs and shoulder to lean on. I hope they do. For now.

I miss you. I miss me. I miss us... all of us.

On wanting more...

I dreamt of you last night. We were talking. It was pretty serious. It kind of felt like we were in gradeschool again. At one point we laughed together. I miss that.

And then I woke up.

I immediately said to myself, "Why in a dream? Why not here? Right now?" And then I realized that can never be. But I just really wanna see and ask you why you left us.

I have NO idea why you affect me so much. But I seriously wouldn't mind you answering my questions in my dreams tonight.

See you...

The Tale of the Lost Remote Control

When you lose the remote control for the TV after watching a movie, it seems unbearable. In that particular moment, it seems so excrutiating to read the words coming from the bottom of the screen to the top. You start looking for the remote control and it feels like you've already wasted a whole lot of time. 2 minutes seem like forever. You are now angry and you turn your surroundings upside down. You are just about to stop looking and just turn the TV off when you finally find it. You start to calm down and flip through the channels. You find that in most of the channels, all you see are credits. It's that time of the night wherein every movie in every channel has just finished. (7pm/9pm/11pm) You decide to wait. Then you start getting impatient so you just settle on a documentary that interests you or probably the news. And then you fall asleep.

When you lose something very valuable to you, it is impossible not to miss it. Time may fool you and make you believe that you don't but there will be moments wherein that feeling of helplessness emanates. There's no way to completely get over it. You have to have some kind of a powerful memory to overcome that feeling. Or maybe another loss would do it.

Losing the remote control of your TV is much simpler because in the back of your head, you're 100% sure you'll find it. It's in the same room as you are. And that's the reason why you get so angry and impatient that you don't find it fast enough. It's so near but you can't see it. In a way, you need that anger and impatience to continue to look for it because you know you really need it to change the frickin' channel.

But what if you start losing more complicated things like people, inspiration, identity, or independence. The anger and impatience will be different. It'll be quiet and stagnant and annoying. That push to look for those things will be gone. No one will convince you to look for it. Maybe not even yourself. But the thing is, no one has to. You just have to realize that the thing you lost is in the same room as you are. That'll drive you crazy and only then will you be 100% sure that you'll find it.

And I swear, when I find it, I'm not just gonna fall asleep. I'm gonna watch the best damn movie and finish it.

Because I'm just a kid [at heart] and I have been good this year...

I wish there were no such things as sicknesses and diseases and disorders. Everyone would just exist without worrying about what will happen to them. A carefree life. [A careLESS life] Worry. That's the devil. I wish there was no such thing as worrying. When people hear bad news, they'd just skip the worrying part and fast forward to having a clear head to be able to solve the problem. Worrying intesifies the fear. It turns fear into a mutant one.

Today, I heard one of those kinds of news. The one that can make you have massive palpitations right after drinking brewed coffee. When you hear something that might determine your future, you start hyper-speed thinking. Your head starts to ache and you're just ruined for the rest of the day (maybe even the week/month). Those aren't the "appropriate" reactions but those are the initial ones for a paranoid person like me. When I heard the news, I start thinking why it's come to this. Why did I let this get out of control? Bakit ang tigas ng ulo ko? I think I need a therapist who can answer all these. I almost always understand myself, but this one... This is too Da-Vinci-Code-esque for me to decipher. I just got really scared and again, I started to worry so bad. Whenever this happens to me, I cover my ears and close my eyes for me to calm myself down. I don't wanna hear or see anything so I can give way for my brain to work properly. I just wish that by doing that, I could actually get some answers.

I know the directions and how to get to where I wanna go. I just have no idea why it's so hard for me to take that first step. I just wish the people around me motivate me the right way, but I know that's asking WAY too much. Plus, everything that I do will be up to me. No matter how much people around me offer motivations, it'd be me who will still make the first move. Everything that's happening to me, I only have myself to blame.

Whenever life slaps you in the face, you start taking it seriously. It leaves a giant mark on your face to remind you that it means business. I guess all I gotta do is ALWAYS look myself in the mirror and see that slap mark.