Once a Bunny, Always a Bunny

I was watching TV in my room one afternoon and then I heard a knock on my door. It was our maid. She told me that 2 guys were waiting for me outside. I didn't believe her. She told me to look outside the window and see. I did. And then I immediately reached for the remote and turned the TV off. The remote dropped and broke while I ran to the bathroom to take a bath.

Why were they here? Why now? I thought I was gonna go his house later that night. It takes me about 15-20 minutes to take a bath. And 10 minutes for me to dress up and another 5 to gather my things and put them in one bag (Thank God I already picked out my outfit the night before or they were gonna have to wait much MUCH longer.).

After about 30 minutes of panicking, I went downstairs and greeted them with an apology. Oh how I missed these guys! But obviously, I gots to be cool because me one of zze boyz! Haha! I could tell they kinda missed me, too. Oh how I love my guy friends! I missed just randomly getting picked up by my close friends. [The Smiths' "There is a light that never goes out" playing in my head (Take me out tonight. Take me anywhere. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.)]

We went to pick up my bestfriend and my friend's girlfriend. I gots a feeling we gonn be [kinda] complete tonight! We finally arrived to my friend's house (a.k.a. epic inuman venue). Another guy friend was already there. We were almost complete. We played Bullshit. Friend's girl is not that good at bullshitting. HAHA! It's pretty funny. 2 more friends arrived. Then off to dinner.

Damn, friend's mother's cooking is amazing. My mouth wanted more, but my stomach already refused entry. Then out came the booze. Bacardi and Jager, baby! :D Let's get this shindig started. (Girl friend arrived uber late, but it was SOOO nice seeing her again. FINALLY!)

I missed this. I missed hanging out with this bunch of bunnies. We talked about stupid things, about dreams of becoming a pop star, about memories, about real things, about real feelings, about wanting to get mad but couldn't, about stupid girlfriends, about long-distance relationships, about EVERYTHING. I miss talking to people who know me. Who understand me. It's a lot easier when that's the case.

We didn't talk about the future. I feel like we're all on the same page when I say that the future stresses all of us out. That night was a break from all the pressure future brought. And that's what I love about that night. We didn't talk about what would happen the next day. Every conversation was enough to last just for the night. If a meteor crushed us all that night, it would've been ok. I cannot emphasize how much I missed hanging out with these people in these circumstances.

That night, I realized that even if everything around us changed, we didn't. We stayed the same bunch of bunnies. Yes, we're more mature now and a lot cooler (yeah! :p), but we still dealt with each other the same. We were the same people the first time we all got together in that Cadlum Hall. Yes, there are rifts here and there, but even those can't ruin the closeness love between this group of bunnies. And there are no words that can bulls-eye that thing within all of us that connects us. It's kinda like a built-in GPS or HDD inside us that makes us track or remember why we belong in this group.

In a way, that night made us even closer than we were in highschool. Our maturity and coolness (:p) made us interact with each other more effectively. Friendships were renewed and rifts became not so far apart as before. And those made me hope that maybe in the far future, we will still be able to spend time together without having to think about what'll happen the next day.

I know I have dependency issues, but I secretly hope nights like this happened every week. At least every month. :)

I love Sumisenti Bunnies/Cadlum Bunnies so much!

Thanks for the rescue! :) ++

Just grateful to a friend who spent the weekend with me. I've been feeling like shit since last week so it was really nice not to wallow in depression and sulk for a change.

We didn't do anything special or whatever, but it's kinda nice to not do anything with someone. (Yep, I think I just slept the whole time.)

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On another note, I figured out that making two worlds meet makes me anxious. Two sides of me that is. Sides that are not as simple as just the good and bad. It's kinda like mixing ice cream with chowder. O__O

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On another other note, I'm going to Singapore on Thursday! :) We're celebrating my sister's birthday. Oh, how I miss traveling. Oh, how I miss airports. I SERIOUSLY CANNOT WAIT! Weee!

Suggestion Box

I don't ask. I don't know how. It's probably 'cause I, myself, don't wanna be asked.

I'm sorry for not asking. I'm sorry I'm not there. I wanna be there so bad. It's just that I kinda have my own shit too. I'm kinda stuck in this black hole and I don't know what to do. If you could just wait for me, that'd be grand. I hope I don't take too long.

For now, I can only offer my occasional presence, hugs and shoulder to lean on. I hope they do. For now.

I miss you. I miss me. I miss us... all of us.

On wanting more...

I dreamt of you last night. We were talking. It was pretty serious. It kind of felt like we were in gradeschool again. At one point we laughed together. I miss that.

And then I woke up.

I immediately said to myself, "Why in a dream? Why not here? Right now?" And then I realized that can never be. But I just really wanna see and ask you why you left us.

I have NO idea why you affect me so much. But I seriously wouldn't mind you answering my questions in my dreams tonight.

See you...

The Tale of the Lost Remote Control

When you lose the remote control for the TV after watching a movie, it seems unbearable. In that particular moment, it seems so excrutiating to read the words coming from the bottom of the screen to the top. You start looking for the remote control and it feels like you've already wasted a whole lot of time. 2 minutes seem like forever. You are now angry and you turn your surroundings upside down. You are just about to stop looking and just turn the TV off when you finally find it. You start to calm down and flip through the channels. You find that in most of the channels, all you see are credits. It's that time of the night wherein every movie in every channel has just finished. (7pm/9pm/11pm) You decide to wait. Then you start getting impatient so you just settle on a documentary that interests you or probably the news. And then you fall asleep.

When you lose something very valuable to you, it is impossible not to miss it. Time may fool you and make you believe that you don't but there will be moments wherein that feeling of helplessness emanates. There's no way to completely get over it. You have to have some kind of a powerful memory to overcome that feeling. Or maybe another loss would do it.

Losing the remote control of your TV is much simpler because in the back of your head, you're 100% sure you'll find it. It's in the same room as you are. And that's the reason why you get so angry and impatient that you don't find it fast enough. It's so near but you can't see it. In a way, you need that anger and impatience to continue to look for it because you know you really need it to change the frickin' channel.

But what if you start losing more complicated things like people, inspiration, identity, or independence. The anger and impatience will be different. It'll be quiet and stagnant and annoying. That push to look for those things will be gone. No one will convince you to look for it. Maybe not even yourself. But the thing is, no one has to. You just have to realize that the thing you lost is in the same room as you are. That'll drive you crazy and only then will you be 100% sure that you'll find it.

And I swear, when I find it, I'm not just gonna fall asleep. I'm gonna watch the best damn movie and finish it.

Because I'm just a kid [at heart] and I have been good this year...

I wish there were no such things as sicknesses and diseases and disorders. Everyone would just exist without worrying about what will happen to them. A carefree life. [A careLESS life] Worry. That's the devil. I wish there was no such thing as worrying. When people hear bad news, they'd just skip the worrying part and fast forward to having a clear head to be able to solve the problem. Worrying intesifies the fear. It turns fear into a mutant one.

Today, I heard one of those kinds of news. The one that can make you have massive palpitations right after drinking brewed coffee. When you hear something that might determine your future, you start hyper-speed thinking. Your head starts to ache and you're just ruined for the rest of the day (maybe even the week/month). Those aren't the "appropriate" reactions but those are the initial ones for a paranoid person like me. When I heard the news, I start thinking why it's come to this. Why did I let this get out of control? Bakit ang tigas ng ulo ko? I think I need a therapist who can answer all these. I almost always understand myself, but this one... This is too Da-Vinci-Code-esque for me to decipher. I just got really scared and again, I started to worry so bad. Whenever this happens to me, I cover my ears and close my eyes for me to calm myself down. I don't wanna hear or see anything so I can give way for my brain to work properly. I just wish that by doing that, I could actually get some answers.

I know the directions and how to get to where I wanna go. I just have no idea why it's so hard for me to take that first step. I just wish the people around me motivate me the right way, but I know that's asking WAY too much. Plus, everything that I do will be up to me. No matter how much people around me offer motivations, it'd be me who will still make the first move. Everything that's happening to me, I only have myself to blame.

Whenever life slaps you in the face, you start taking it seriously. It leaves a giant mark on your face to remind you that it means business. I guess all I gotta do is ALWAYS look myself in the mirror and see that slap mark.

Decisions (big ones) and Moments with Friends (little ones)

Last October, I found out I was gonna be an Octoberian. After the Econ 122 (HARDCORE financial economics course) scare, I actually thought I was gonna be an April 2012 baby. But I managed to maintain my Economics Weighted Average (EWA) so here I am. Though I don't have any proof yet that I already graduated (no diploma or TOR yet because of the damn slow-ass admin), I can give you my grades in all the 137++ units I took.

Finding out I was actually done with college was a blast at first. I was glad that all that hardwork actually paid off. All those here-comes-the-suns, pimples, readings, caffeine in my blood, scolds from my landlady, etc. It was done. That was it. But then when it was beginning to sink in, I started getting scared. I didn't think I was ready to face the world outside of school (I don't like calling it "real world" because wherever you are, that is your real world). College was my comfort zone. If I could get paid to be a perpetual student, I'd SO be! But reality slapped me in the face and reminded me that I belong in a Filipino family that expects its children to eventually provide for their parents and siblings once they start working. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with that (a little). Heck, I wanna spoil my parents to death! And that's exactly why I got scared in the first place; because I was being pushed to execute everything that I have planned my entire school life. I'm now expected to make the right decisions because the decisions I make from now on are the ones that will matter. The ones that will help me execute those very ambiguous plans.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Before, I could make them in a snap. Green or Blue? Green! (:p) Heels or flats? Flats! Jeans or leggings? Jeggings! Harry Potter or Twilight? You're stupid! There were moments when it was a little more complicated. Cellphone or laptop? hmm... Sleep or coffee right before an exam? hmm... To do thesis or drink with an old friend? hmmmm... (:p) Now, there is a whole new level of mutant complication in making decisions. To take a break first and just chill for a while or look for a job right away? To take that job that pays WAY less than your expected salary because you're after the experience or screw experience and bring me the moolahs?! Everything is moving too fast. The world is not even waiting for me to make my decisions. Maybe I'm the one who's moving too slow. If that's the case, then I MUST pick up the pace. It's very comforting to know that my parents are there to guide me with these decisions. I feel like I'm walking on a string blindfolded, and I'm glad my parents are there screaming which direction I should go to.

I must make big decisions from now on because whatever I come up with right now WILL matter in the long run. I must make do with that damn string and slowly lift that blindfold over my head until I can clearly see what's up ahead.

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On another note... I had my gradwar (:p) celebration last weekend. Of course there were booze (lots and lots of them), food (also lots and lots of them), and friends (just a few of them). [♪♫ These are a few of my favorite things. ♫♪] I wanted to spend a night with my close friends maybe for the last time (not an emo statement... just facing reality...). I wanted to do things that we always did before. Eat, drink, get drunk, laugh, make fun of others, make fun of each other, eat, drink, get drunk. I never really liked hosting an event or "party" but for these people, I would do a lot more. These people tolerated my corny jokes, my sudden emotional shifts, my opinions, my laziness, my grammar corrections, my foul comments, my judging self, ME. These people put up with me and the craziness I came with. I love these people to death. I say "I love you" way too many times, but this time, I really mean it. I do not understand how these people managed to let me in to their lives. I have trouble letting people in mine, but with them, it was as easy as blinking my eyes. It also happened that fast. In just one blink, these people became part of my routine. I hate to think that that was the last time I was going to see them. I'm still hopeful, but I will not expect. Destiny. :)

For now, I will hang on to the little moments these people left me with. The arguments we let pass because even if we know we're all smart, we are better friends with each other. That one night when I had no place to sleep in and you guys accompanied me in Jollibee. The "Why do you think WE SHOULD hire you?" moment. That one night we ate Isko-ramble and stayed at the track oval to chat. That time when we raided bookstores in different malls. Those times in Sarahs/Drews/Delish/Sefali. Sleep overs in my house. New Year's eve in MOA. The egg yolks sucked. And who in her right mind would give an Octoberian sunflower seeds because there are no sunflowers in UP for Octoberians? :) These crazy people make me even crazier. But in a very good and kinda high way. :p

I love you guys so much. And it's almost scary how I mean it. Will still wait on destiny to do its job. :)